I had hoped to get this posted yesterday… yesterday just wasn’t my day… I ended up going to bed very early, which has resulted in a very early morning…

I got a text from Amanda Pagano from Isabel’s Corner Videography that she wanted to visit, it would make me smile… her daughter was with her and she had a fever… so she couldn’t come in… when she walked in, I was absolutely shocked… Amanda is known for her long locks…. long, long, locks…. she cut her hair!!! And, she had her hair in her hand…. she said “I didn’t know what else to do and I had to do something”…. We had visitors yesterday and they were in awe… what an amazing thing to do! These are Amanda’s pics from her hair cut…Amanda told me to also credit Kymm McLean from Who’s The Fairest for finding the sylist…. who reduced the price of the cut by quite a bit… thank you Kymm!

Amanda brought a gift for Greyson from Savvy… which he was thrilled about… They brought him a build a bear… in the box… and he had just woken up from his nap…. he was thrilled. The cutest thing… last night, I was tucked in bed early…. and I woke up to Greyson putting the bear right by my head… he said I needed to cuddle…. 🙂 So sweet…

I am forever so touched by your generosity…

Later that evening… John Ficarotta from Giovanni Films dropped off a huge box with a dinner of his famous pasta, garlic bread and salad…. Thank you so much. My diet is very bland these days…. but, my family sure appreciates it….

Tonight I have Ines Ananguren from Sky’s The Limit Cakes delivering two meals… for this week… And my dear friend Amelia Old will be dropping food off as well… I’ve actually asked Amelia if she’d oversee the dinner delivery just because I’m so out of it these days… she will manage it better than I can… and she has graciously offered… Thank you Amelia…

I had lots of visitors yesterday… Robbie, Tess & Lou, Dayna from Carolina Cake Artistry and Amanda…. it was a great day!!

How do I deserve all of you?? Love & Hugs to you all!

This is how I’ve been spending most of my time… I pray that it gets easier to deal with over the next couple of days…. I’m nibbling on little bits… I have a very dry and metallic mouth, so not much actually tastes good, on top of the nausea…. They said to expect 5-10 days following to be the worst… and then I’ll be on the upswing and then it will be time to start again….

I’ve been running my fingers through my hair to see if some are coming out… so far, they seem to be sticking… they said it may not be until after my next treatment before it really starts to fall…

What I’d like to focus on more than anything in this blog… is the kindness and generosity of people. Every single day it seems something amazing is happening…. Yesterday, we received a bag full of local restaurant certificates from my husband’s employer…. Today, Diane tells me she’s coming to visit for awhile and she comes walking in with a laptop… she did not take the money from our funds, she said this is from she & Vinny…. it’s their gift to us….  It’s mind blowing…..

I think once I asked why I have cancer… why is this happening to me/us?  What I question now more than anything…. is why are all of these people who I’ve never met, who I’ve never had any impact on…. why are they so willing to give so freely to me and our family.  I honestly have no idea…..I’m not just talking monetary things…. I’m talking, every day visits…. phone calls, texts, “how are you doing?” Let’s be honest… not everyone is in a position where we can just give freely to others… we may be struggling ourselves…  But, what is so heartwarming about all of this…. is how prevalent this is weighing on the minds of so many… It’s so true… “when once of us has cancer, we all have cancer”…

It literally amazes me, the meals, offers of…. “do your kids need anything”… I’m at the store, what can I do for you? I want to come visit you later…. It truly is so heart warming and in all honestly, I do not know what I have personally done to warrant all this from all of these amazing people. I’ve mentioned before…. that my stance and position on helping others is forever changed…. I may have lost my career, but I have a feeling something amazing will come out of this….

Today I feel like complete crap… I’m not going to lie…. but at the same time, I feel so amazingly blessed.

This is seriously no joke…. It’s not intolerable…. but it’s also miserable at the same time. You can tell it’s toxic… the headache is toxic… the nausea feels like burning… When I’m laying down, the nausea doesn’t bother me so badly…. when I’m up and around, it hits like full force… And there is a general ache deep in my bones…

Today I’ve managed to get some of the soup that Marleen (my primary doctor, thank you I need your recipe) sent me… and it really sits well, but I can just take a bit at a time…. and a part of a piece of toast…. and mostly water….

When I’d found out I had breast cancer, I changed my lifestyle dramatically, lots of fresh fruits and steamed veggies, very little meat… An alkaline balanced diet… I will eat some chicken and fish…. and doing that I’d lost about 12lbs…. They told me steroids would probably make me gain weight, but they didn’t…. I am down another 4lbs.. since chemo started on Wednesday. I’m at my all time lowest weight right now…. so I imagine more will come off….  especially if we don’t get the nausea under control. They’ve got me on Larazepam for nausea… it makes me super sleepy…. so when I take it, I almost instantly need to nap…. I will give it this weekend to try to work… and if it’s not better Monday I will ask them to change it up….

Many thanks to Andrea Owens at Total Tranquility Salon in Lake Park (Indian Trail)… for the relaxing, wonderful massage…. I came home…. and went right to sleep…. for a good few hours… Success!

Thank you for the package today from Annette Rockenstein from Cali… she sent me a care package with some natural deoderant, lip balm and hand lotion from Arbonne. Thank you… so much..

Also thank you to Jamie Geiss who sent me a huge package of hand sanitizer from The Body Shop and it is safer for you.. than traditional hand sanitzer….

Love & Hugs…. 124 days to go…

The nausea had already hit by last night…. and they are giving me Lorazepam for nausea which is actually an anti-anxiety drug…. but it’s used for nausea in chemo patients… It knocks you out when you take it… and it honestly only works awhile and you have to wait 8 hours to take it…. I could stand to lose some weight when I started… for sure. But in a month, as of this morning despite steroids which are supposed to make me gain weight, I’ve lost a good bit of weight, about 14 pounds… Today the nausea is literally relentless and it’s like nothing I’ve experienced… it’s like a burning nausea…. The headache is also very much there… it’s like a burning on the scalp… yucky.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning after reading and email and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I was able to grab a snuggly nap with my little…. I felt better after napping, but after walking around… it’s back in full force… so back to the couch I go…. 1 day down… 125 to go…. before chemo is over…  Some people I know have done this countless times….I plan to do everything I can, everything in my power… to never have to do this again!!!

Back to the couch…

First day of chemo… we took more pics… but I’m not feeling up to uploading them… just yet.

I did well for chemo… they gave me lots of drugs… benadryl made me very tired… I have a foggy headache… on the top of my head… and literally the nausea just hit me in the last 10 minutes…. it feels like a burning tummy ache, almost… They said it will take a couple days for the full effects to hit… She also said in the next 10-14 days.. my hair will probably start to fall out… but it won’t fully fall out until my next appointment… She suggested I shave it when it falls out because it’s annoying….

My heart has been giving me hard thumps every one in awhile… and they monitored me while there… but they feel it’s probably from the steroids…

Thank you Dayna for your kindness today.. the cupcakes (I ate some of one, probably wasn’t a good idea)… and the yummy ginger salad… I think that will be a staple for me… and thank you for spending time with me… LOVE & HUGS…

Also want to mention the amazing emails I received today… from Kristin Vining and Julie Staley from old South..  some lucky brides may be thrilled that they will  have these amazing photogs covering their weddings with Darrell… ❤

Tonight…. in my kitchen Diane Marie Esposito and Tillie Bonney-Kerna came to my house… Diane with cards, that got me crying….. and Tillie brought dinner… They presented me with a gift.. had I known I was going to be filmed today…. I would have gotten dressed up, I’ve been teary all day…

Anyway….. Tillie presented me with this gift…. I was in tears before she even opened it, I knew it was special… the way they presented it to me… I was literally shaking and crying…. I am absolutely blown away that Marc Defang (New York) someone that I have never met in my life… (a friend of Tillie’s) make me the most beautiful pair of shoes…. a pair of shoes like no other I have ever owned in my life…… shoes I have drooled over when my brides have worn shoes like them….. Seriously Marc, I cannot thank you enough… the video and the photos will show my reaction… Diane & Tillie both photographed and Diane took video…. I’m not only blessed, but I’m spoiled rotten….. Wow, I cannot believe the generosity… Thank you, seriously… I will blog too… after we eat Tillie’s delicious dinner, she brought us…..

Are you crying Mom??? Yes, but they are happy tears…. No they’re not!!! He’s so cute…

Tears streaming….

They are absolutely beautiful!!!!!!!! Thank you so much Marc Defang!!!

https://www.facebook.com/MarcDefangNewYork

Well… tomorrow is the big day. Chemo. The first of 6 rounds of TAC… every 3 weeks for the next 4 months. 1 month break, then double mastectomy, one month break, 6 weeks of daily radiation…. 6 months later… we can talk about reconstruction…

Today I’m feeling a little irritated (probably the steroids)… a lot tearful… my emotions are like a roller coaster today… I’m missing my best friend Tracey, a lot…. 

I’ve kept pretty upbeat through out this…. I’m almost afraid to post how I feel sometimes, because someone takes it the wrong way…. I feel like I can’t really say the right thing…

My body has failed me… so I’ve read it’s perfectly normal to not trust it now… so when I worry… it’s normal….  It’s part of the process…. I’m going to lose my hair, be thrown into menopause, lose my breasts…. I’m a little miffed, alright?! Everyone is like… you’re not dying… you’ll get through it.

I will. I will. I will…

But, it’s scary…. I don’t know how sick I’ll be… and then people tell me oh, so and so did amazing…. and you’ll do amazing… but what if I don’t… am I a wimp then? Maybe I’ll breeze through it… maybe I’ll be able to continue with every day stuff… (at home) but what if I can’t? Does that make me weak? I don’t know how chemo will be? I’m pretty tough… yesterday I breezed through that procedure and I’m not going to lie… it hurts. But, I’m tough and I can take a lot…. and I’m sure I will be just as tough with this… or maybe I’ll get used to it at the very least….

It’s hard to know what to say to people, I get that… they want to support, they want to love you through it…. so I ask, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my children, my friends……. just  please love me through it. You don’t have to fix me… allow me to talk to you, when you ask me how I’m doing… let me answer you honestly and be prepared for a whine and a moan…. and if I’m happy and cheerful… great! Bonus! I honestly do not know how I’ll feel… new hormones or lack of…. I just honestly have no idea… I’m not the first Mary to go through this, I won’t be the last…. but it is my life and it’s hard.

I’m mad at myself, I had so much to do…. and I didn’t get it all done…. That is not my style. I will muddle through it…. I’ll need something to do…

So, tomorrow’s the day…. I’m ready to tackle this beast…. but I’m not guaranteeing it will be pretty…. or ugly… only time will tell…

I will try to document what I can without putting it all out there….

This is a photo of my port placement today…. before my friends so wonderfully offered to help me clean it up… but the other photos don’t have both incisions in the photo…

I’m sore… and my collarbone is somewhat bruised…. but otherwise ok. Just taking Tylenol…