Today I see my oncologist…. Normally they’d give me a hysterectomy at this point, but because of the blood clot I had in my lung I’m taking blood thinners for the next several months and so surgically no one will touch me until 3 months past taking blood thinners…. So the hysterectomy will be in December/January most likely. Right around the time of my surgery for my breast reconstruction, however…. I’ve been told it cannot happen at the same time… So, 2 surgeries… or more depending on the reconstruction process and what they feel will work for me…

Because the tamoxifen failed and caused the clot…. they need to make sure they are shutting down my hormone production to ensure the cancer does not return…. So, today I will receive the first in a series of shots called Lupron shots. These shots will basically shut down any ovarian function…. I honestly don’t think I have much ovarian function because chemo shrunk my ovaries to non-existence and I haven’t had a period since January. They were visibly not detectable on an ultrasound. But, this is just precautionary, my doctor said he cannot trust that my body is not making hormone. I have no idea what kind of side effects I can expect from these shots….. I dread it. Especially since I’ve been feeling so good.

Then, they’ll start me on a new medication…. because they will have given me these shots, they are basically forcing me into menopause… They can give me a different medication called Arimidex… which I imagine I will begin after today’s visit…. Again, I have no idea of the side effects…. I’ve been told it affects your joints but it doesn’t have the life threatening side effects like blood clots that Tamoxifen gives you….

So…. we shall see! I’ll keep you posted…. I pray that I don’t have side effects… and turn into some raging hormonal circus show… I’ve already been experiencing menopausal symptoms…. so I’m *hoping* it won’t be much different because honestly…. I feel like my hormones are so much more subdued…. versus before and during the cancer treatment…. But, from what I hear…. it’s horrible. My doctor said “You will not like me”…… UGH. Here we go! Bring it…..

So, for the most part… my cancer is behind me. A couple surgeries and follow ups to report about… but hopefully the cancer can be a thing of the past….

So, now I can use my blog to just speak what’s on my mind, in my heart and weighing down my soul…

I chose to take a job in the wedding industry and in a way I am building  a completely separate wing of a business… it’s truly like starting a business from the ground floor. Although, established… not many were aware they existed. It’s an undertaking… It’s become my new focus, my quest… I can no longer have my own business…. So, I will help someone else’s be a success.

The wedding industry is what I’ve known. My husband said… look at these past years as “your education”… my education in the wedding industry. I know what’s pretty. I was a photographer… I know how to position people, how to light people, how to photograph details…. I know pretty. But, there are a lot of things I don’t know… how to plan a party, what’s the right day to have a party, the proper elements involved…. But, I can design a suite and studio space from construction to completion in 3 weeks…. I’m a very good executor… I get things done, I get things accomplished….. but, there’s a ton I don’t know. Fortunately, I have people who are willing to step in and take those reigns…. next time I’ll consult before, not after…. ❤ It’s all about learning….

What I do know is how to build relationships, how to make a connection and how to make someone feel taken care of…. I know I can succeed.

But, let me tell you….. there are times when I have wondered if I’ve made the right choice…. My “history” in this industry at first … I kept to myself – I’ve never been one that had to run with the crowd, I do my own thing…. I don’t need a lot of people, I just need quality ones…. Then when I had cancer, I was sort of thrown like a wet noodle of despair into the industry…. whether I wanted it or not… And, the perception of some may not be what I actually am…. and I have to find peace with that.  I call people and they know me…. is that a good thing or a bad thing? Oy!

Then there are days where it’s perfectly clear… like yesterday, I sold my very first bride and groom on their wedding catering…. When they left, they told me… they chose “me”….. That is what it is all about to me…. I make friends, not clients…. Every single one of my clients will tell you this…. I take care of people… I make them feel like they are in amazing hands…

I had a bride we photographed a couple months ago… come visit me the other day and bring me coffee…. that is what it’s all about for me… Spend 5 minutes with me… and you have a window to my soul…

Several times through this, I’ve called upon some friends…. and questioned them… “Did I make the right decision trying to stay in this industry”…. they told me… YES, this is where you belong…. I thank them…. they are right… I’m in the right place…. Not everyone has to love me…. just the ones that matter.

Hey, we all need a pep talk, now and then….. For a little bit I was completely, honestly….. swarming in doubt…. But, I’ve found my inner strength and I genuinely look forward to the relationship building that lies ahead of me… ❤

I wanted to post on Tuesday, but this honestly has been a crazy week at work….

Tuesday I got to ring that bell!!! It was such an emotional day… I hung my head and literally couldn’t believe I’ve made it… 18 weeks of chemo, a mastectomy, a pulmonary embolism and 34 radiation treatments later…. My skin held up really well until about 2 weeks prior to the end of radiation. The 2nd to last week they really radiated the mammary nodes… and they must have cranked it up because boy… have I scabbed… The very last week of treatment, they radiated all of the hard to reach places I guess… and under my arm. Ever since, I’ve had radiating pains in my breast area… just randomly…

My skin is soooo incredibly raw and scabbed. The area under my arm is just so tender and it’s oozing… My shirt sticks to my burns… and then because I’m on Xarelto… I bleed and bleed and bleed…. It’s not very pleasant…

I did it… I made it! My updates will probably be less and less…. It’s time to move on…

I’m keeping so busy with my new job… plus the remaining weddings and editing…

Thank you so much for keeping up with my journey… allowing me to be myself, voicing my frustrations, concerns, worries… etc…

I pray so hard… that I never have to battle this disease like I have had to… again!

My next steps are…. I need to have Lupron shots shut down my ovaries… because I’m taking Xarelto so I can’t have any surgery until it’s out of my body… and I’ll be on Xarelto for 3 months. Then a total hysterectomy most likely in January… and my reconstruction…. which I’m not honestly sure, because I have to be off Xarelto…. so on those things, I’ll keep you posted…. ❤

Let me preface this by saying… I’m tired. Extremely tired… as a matter of fact.

We had a wedding Saturday, I had to finish a shoot we had contracted for Sunday… and radiation bright and early every single day before work… and working a job, also editing the remaining weddings. It’s a lot, right now on my plate…. I’m a bit overwhelmed and tired. To say the least… I’m trying to find time in my personal life to be a Mom… and try to stay on my walking schedule… much less try to find time to be a wife…. It’s a lot of juggling right now.

4 more radiation treatments left….

But… on top of that, my new job is going great – they love me… but, I now have 3 bosses. The owner, his wife and his son… all of whom have to approve every single thing I’m doing. 3 different opinions. It’s the planning phase…. so it’s a lot of approvals…. for the brochure, the website…. it’s a phase… it will pass. But in the mean time, I have to get through it. On top of that…. I purchased an item that I’ve had a heck of a time trying to get them to pick up and the person in the industry I purchased it from, has been on a roller coaster ride with their lack of planning… and I’m in the middle and it’s really uncool…. which has stressed me out a lot.

BUT… we have a 3 day weekend ahead and NO weddings… SO I should hopefully recoup some…

And, we have a vacation planned for the beach for 1 week in August… thanks to the Lindsay family who so kindly donated their beach house so we can have a vacation…

For the past 8 months… I’ve been through HELL and back…. I’m on the back part… which feels amazing. But, when I’m tired…. it sucks. I’m tired… my body is telling me I need to clam it up a bit…. I need to listen.

Early night for me! But for now… I have to go for my walk… it’s my therapy.