Tomorrow’s the big day…

Well… tomorrow is the big day. Chemo. The first of 6 rounds of TAC… every 3 weeks for the next 4 months. 1 month break, then double mastectomy, one month break, 6 weeks of daily radiation…. 6 months later… we can talk about reconstruction…

Today I’m feeling a little irritated (probably the steroids)… a lot tearful… my emotions are like a roller coaster today… I’m missing my best friend Tracey, a lot…. 

I’ve kept pretty upbeat through out this…. I’m almost afraid to post how I feel sometimes, because someone takes it the wrong way…. I feel like I can’t really say the right thing…

My body has failed me… so I’ve read it’s perfectly normal to not trust it now… so when I worry… it’s normal….  It’s part of the process…. I’m going to lose my hair, be thrown into menopause, lose my breasts…. I’m a little miffed, alright?! Everyone is like… you’re not dying… you’ll get through it.

I will. I will. I will…

But, it’s scary…. I don’t know how sick I’ll be… and then people tell me oh, so and so did amazing…. and you’ll do amazing… but what if I don’t… am I a wimp then? Maybe I’ll breeze through it… maybe I’ll be able to continue with every day stuff… (at home) but what if I can’t? Does that make me weak? I don’t know how chemo will be? I’m pretty tough… yesterday I breezed through that procedure and I’m not going to lie… it hurts. But, I’m tough and I can take a lot…. and I’m sure I will be just as tough with this… or maybe I’ll get used to it at the very least….

It’s hard to know what to say to people, I get that… they want to support, they want to love you through it…. so I ask, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my children, my friends……. just  please love me through it. You don’t have to fix me… allow me to talk to you, when you ask me how I’m doing… let me answer you honestly and be prepared for a whine and a moan…. and if I’m happy and cheerful… great! Bonus! I honestly do not know how I’ll feel… new hormones or lack of…. I just honestly have no idea… I’m not the first Mary to go through this, I won’t be the last…. but it is my life and it’s hard.

I’m mad at myself, I had so much to do…. and I didn’t get it all done…. That is not my style. I will muddle through it…. I’ll need something to do…

So, tomorrow’s the day…. I’m ready to tackle this beast…. but I’m not guaranteeing it will be pretty…. or ugly… only time will tell…

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4 thoughts on “Tomorrow’s the big day…

  1. I’ve been told that I have no filter, so bear with me as I try not to butcher what I want to say. — I’ve only known you for a very short time, but you are a very strong person! Being strong has nothing to do with how weak you are…meaning that you will have bad days and it will be down right almost impossible, but you are of a strong heart and your family and friends will hold you up. You are very brave! You’ve got this!!!
    All things happen for a reason, and sometimes those things suck and the reasons aren’t apparent…. And I can say from experience that some day it will reveal itself …to someone… Cryptic I know, but true…

  2. My heart is with you! I would be totally freaked out too and I say, feel what you feel and have no apologies! I pray for the best! XOXO

  3. Dawn, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Chemo is scary and everyone reacts differently. However you handle it, is how you handle it. Don’t make excuses and definitely don’t think less of yourself if you aren’t superwoman during Chemo. I will be thinking of you often tomorrow.

  4. You say whatever you want to say, how & when you want to say it. If you want to say nothing that is okay too. Whimp or strong…doesn’t matter…none of that matters. The only thing that matters is that you are doing it. I had a professor that once explained how ridiculous it is to tell someone to always do their best. That is impossible. We all can’t always be or do our best. So you do what is reasonably expected…and you define that for yourself. Okay…stepping off of my soap box now. Love you Dawn!

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