The nausea had already hit by last night…. and they are giving me Lorazepam for nausea which is actually an anti-anxiety drug…. but it’s used for nausea in chemo patients… It knocks you out when you take it… and it honestly only works awhile and you have to wait 8 hours to take it…. I could stand to lose some weight when I started… for sure. But in a month, as of this morning despite steroids which are supposed to make me gain weight, I’ve lost a good bit of weight, about 14 pounds… Today the nausea is literally relentless and it’s like nothing I’ve experienced… it’s like a burning nausea…. The headache is also very much there… it’s like a burning on the scalp… yucky.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning after reading and email and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I was able to grab a snuggly nap with my little…. I felt better after napping, but after walking around… it’s back in full force… so back to the couch I go…. 1 day down… 125 to go…. before chemo is over…  Some people I know have done this countless times….I plan to do everything I can, everything in my power… to never have to do this again!!!

Back to the couch…

First day of chemo… we took more pics… but I’m not feeling up to uploading them… just yet.

I did well for chemo… they gave me lots of drugs… benadryl made me very tired… I have a foggy headache… on the top of my head… and literally the nausea just hit me in the last 10 minutes…. it feels like a burning tummy ache, almost… They said it will take a couple days for the full effects to hit… She also said in the next 10-14 days.. my hair will probably start to fall out… but it won’t fully fall out until my next appointment… She suggested I shave it when it falls out because it’s annoying….

My heart has been giving me hard thumps every one in awhile… and they monitored me while there… but they feel it’s probably from the steroids…

Thank you Dayna for your kindness today.. the cupcakes (I ate some of one, probably wasn’t a good idea)… and the yummy ginger salad… I think that will be a staple for me… and thank you for spending time with me… LOVE & HUGS…

Also want to mention the amazing emails I received today… from Kristin Vining and Julie Staley from old South..  some lucky brides may be thrilled that they will  have these amazing photogs covering their weddings with Darrell… ❤

Tonight…. in my kitchen Diane Marie Esposito and Tillie Bonney-Kerna came to my house… Diane with cards, that got me crying….. and Tillie brought dinner… They presented me with a gift.. had I known I was going to be filmed today…. I would have gotten dressed up, I’ve been teary all day…

Anyway….. Tillie presented me with this gift…. I was in tears before she even opened it, I knew it was special… the way they presented it to me… I was literally shaking and crying…. I am absolutely blown away that Marc Defang (New York) someone that I have never met in my life… (a friend of Tillie’s) make me the most beautiful pair of shoes…. a pair of shoes like no other I have ever owned in my life…… shoes I have drooled over when my brides have worn shoes like them….. Seriously Marc, I cannot thank you enough… the video and the photos will show my reaction… Diane & Tillie both photographed and Diane took video…. I’m not only blessed, but I’m spoiled rotten….. Wow, I cannot believe the generosity… Thank you, seriously… I will blog too… after we eat Tillie’s delicious dinner, she brought us…..

Are you crying Mom??? Yes, but they are happy tears…. No they’re not!!! He’s so cute…

Tears streaming….

They are absolutely beautiful!!!!!!!! Thank you so much Marc Defang!!!

https://www.facebook.com/MarcDefangNewYork

Well… tomorrow is the big day. Chemo. The first of 6 rounds of TAC… every 3 weeks for the next 4 months. 1 month break, then double mastectomy, one month break, 6 weeks of daily radiation…. 6 months later… we can talk about reconstruction…

Today I’m feeling a little irritated (probably the steroids)… a lot tearful… my emotions are like a roller coaster today… I’m missing my best friend Tracey, a lot…. 

I’ve kept pretty upbeat through out this…. I’m almost afraid to post how I feel sometimes, because someone takes it the wrong way…. I feel like I can’t really say the right thing…

My body has failed me… so I’ve read it’s perfectly normal to not trust it now… so when I worry… it’s normal….  It’s part of the process…. I’m going to lose my hair, be thrown into menopause, lose my breasts…. I’m a little miffed, alright?! Everyone is like… you’re not dying… you’ll get through it.

I will. I will. I will…

But, it’s scary…. I don’t know how sick I’ll be… and then people tell me oh, so and so did amazing…. and you’ll do amazing… but what if I don’t… am I a wimp then? Maybe I’ll breeze through it… maybe I’ll be able to continue with every day stuff… (at home) but what if I can’t? Does that make me weak? I don’t know how chemo will be? I’m pretty tough… yesterday I breezed through that procedure and I’m not going to lie… it hurts. But, I’m tough and I can take a lot…. and I’m sure I will be just as tough with this… or maybe I’ll get used to it at the very least….

It’s hard to know what to say to people, I get that… they want to support, they want to love you through it…. so I ask, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my children, my friends……. just  please love me through it. You don’t have to fix me… allow me to talk to you, when you ask me how I’m doing… let me answer you honestly and be prepared for a whine and a moan…. and if I’m happy and cheerful… great! Bonus! I honestly do not know how I’ll feel… new hormones or lack of…. I just honestly have no idea… I’m not the first Mary to go through this, I won’t be the last…. but it is my life and it’s hard.

I’m mad at myself, I had so much to do…. and I didn’t get it all done…. That is not my style. I will muddle through it…. I’ll need something to do…

So, tomorrow’s the day…. I’m ready to tackle this beast…. but I’m not guaranteeing it will be pretty…. or ugly… only time will tell…

I will try to document what I can without putting it all out there….

This is a photo of my port placement today…. before my friends so wonderfully offered to help me clean it up… but the other photos don’t have both incisions in the photo…

I’m sore… and my collarbone is somewhat bruised…. but otherwise ok. Just taking Tylenol…

It’s the fear of the unknown… I’m the type of person, I don’t get sick often… but when I do… it typically hits me hard…. So right now, it’s the fear of the unknown… Last Monday… next Wednesday felt so far away… it’s coming too fast…

It’s Friday… and we have SO much left to do.. I still have storybooks & projects I need to finish, I have weddings that I haven’t even touched… and I’m running out of time. I pray that chemo doesn’t kick my arse… and I can muddle through and I won’t be bed bound…. I pray… because I have so much left to do! And, we need to finish selling and moving out of the studio by the weekend.

I’m in search of a wig… I plan to wear hats, but I know there will be some instances… where my teenage boys will be embarrassed if I have no hair or I appear sick… sometimes I don’t want to appear sick… I want to feel normal, so it’s important to me that I find a great wig…

I know that I’m equipped to handle what happens to me…. but it’s what affects others that has me so burdened…. And that’s our brides… They count on me… they met with me, they fell in like with me…. and the dynamic of the team that we are…. So, my biggest fear has been to explain to them and the fear that they may not want to use us…. and now more than ever, it’s so important that we retain most of these dates…. especially since we cannot take any more new weddings….

I’ve notified 3 brides…. I am awaiting a response from one… and the two responses I have received…. are a pure reflection of the brides I attract…. so embracing, so understanding, so amazing…. I have some very large name photographers willing to aid and assist at these weddings without expecting any compensation…. That is amazing.

I have to notify a lot of brides yet… but I feel like I need to take it as they come… I don’t know what position I’ll be in.. maybe my surgery will be put off and I’ll be able to be there… so there’s no reason in my opinion to worry people who don’t need to be worried….

All of this has been hard… so incredibly hard…. I pray that I don’t appear to be complaining… or whiny… I pray that you understand that this is also an outlet for my fears, my feelings… this helps me to vent and also to encourage, to explain… without having to explain 1000 times…. so many people are aware of what’s going on…. due to the industry I’ve been in…

The kindness, the love, the concern, the generousness of the people in the industry… people I have never, ever met…. some people who are just relatives of people I know…. people who’ve donated, who’ve offered their assistance, people who don’t know me from Adam….. are offering themselves to me however they can…. It’s absolutely amazing, overwhelming…. absolutely heartwarming. It brings me to tears… so often…

And then there’s my husband…. my rock, my man, my protector, my fixer…. he and I have both had our different ways of dealing of coping of taking control of this….. we both found ourselves retreating inward… and not leaning on each other… he recognized this in himself… but it was also me…. I have so many fears of how he will feel about these new changes… and it’s hard. It’s very hard….. I was protecting myself. A friend allowed me to vent… and we were able to get past it…. and we talked it out and the change has been amazing…. I need him. Both of us pushing each other away is not going to help anyone…. We need each other, right now…. But, there’s so much to deal with, so much to finalize, so much to take care of… He’s the fixer.. he handles things, he plans, he finds strategies….. and I just feel… We’ve committed to leaning on each other….

My kids are each dealing with this differently…. I have Taylor… my 19 year old. He moved back home…. just having him here, it makes me feel like life is the way it’s supposed to be… He’s quiet, he leaves a lot… when I first told him, the tears fell…. I haven’t seen those tears since… but I can tell, he’s scared…. just having him here… means everything to me. I don’t care if he comes and goes… it’s just nice.

Then I have Preston, he’s 18… he’s my snuggler, he hugs me 10 times a day, tells me how much he loves me… and he’s more vocal… He’s more like me. He announced it on Twitter and allowed people to reach out that way… I let him, it’s how he copes… everyone copes differently. And one of his friends reached out… it turned out their Mom has breast cancer and she has been very supportive and checks on him… which is awesome.

Then, there’s Brianna… Brianna’s my 17 year old step daughter…  we have a great relationship. She doesn’t live with us… but she visits often… She is soothed by music… she sends me songs… she sends me things, pictures, etc… she’s a very artistic person, a little more pulled inward…. but, she expresses herself with songs…. and music. All different kinds of music… a truly generous and kind hearted woman.

Then there’s Greyson… I’ve read that I need to be honest, so he knows what to expect and my hair doesn’t fall out and it scares him…. so besides telling him Mommy’s boobies are sick…. he knows that my hair will fall out and that Mommy is very sick and Mommy won’t be able to carry him soon… and I did tell him that they will need to take my boobies…. So last night, he lifted up my shirt…. and looked in there… to make sure they were still there… and then rubbed them…. I let him…. what’s the big deal… they won’t be there soon. He’s consoling me… *tears* I feel so bad that my kids have to go through all of this with me… I know it’s scary. They are scared to lose me…

Lastly, my parents…. my Dad has been checking on me more often, doing little things… to show me in his own way… He’s also a fixer… and he can’t fix this. He can’t take it away… so it upsets him…. My Mom has been UHMAZING… I worry about her… she’s going to be burdened with caring for me… now on top of Greyson. She’s been there every single day… every single wedding we’ve needed her to take him…. she’s more of a 2nd mother, than a Grandmother… My mother is an amazing, amazing person…. she has taken care of me more times in her life…. than a mother should have to…. For some reason, my body doesn’t do certain things, well.. Pregnancy for instance. She has never left my side… she’s always been there for me…. I pray, this doesn’t take a toll on her health…. Stress is a huge contributor to cancer….

I’m scared… every little ache… every little new feeling… I worry. I worry that it’s spread… I know the scans came back normal… but lately my collar bones have been just aching… I pray that it’s tension… because I sure have a lot of tension…. Darrell has been rubbing my shoulders for me… rubbing my head… and comforting… I am trying not to worry… but it’s hard.

They told me that with this type of cancer… they are doing everything to aid in my overall survival. But, chemotherapy with hormone related cancer… really only helps by about 10%  – they don’t expect major changes… but they hope it will help … to make my margins be clearer…. what he said will ultimately help me… will be surgery… and Tamoxifen… which will subdue my hormones… which will be my biggest contributor. I will take if for 10 years…. at least. So, you wonder… is it even worth it? 10% to go through the next 4 months of hell? But, you do all elements…. to aid in survival.. When you hear that… you realize just how serious…

Anyway, I probably won’t post much this weekend… we have so much to do…. and Monday I go for my port…. and I have another appt… so I really only have today, Saturday… Sunday we’re busy with a huge surprise…. and Tuesday… to get everything done… It’s getting close….

I have so many things to be thankful for… I cannot believe the people who’ve donated to the go fund me page that Diane has created… do you know that most of them are complete strangers? How incredibly humbling… Diane called me last night and told me… and I was just absolutely blown away. It’s truly unbelievable and so heart warming…  gofundme.com/5kihio  and it’s been shared by 196 people?!

My sister in law called me yesterday and told me she would come clean my house once a week… she told me to call her and let her know and I told her… I’m so bad at asking… so bad. I will ask my best friend, I will ask my Mom… but it’s so hard to ask people…  I read an article recently about what not to say to people who have cancer… it was informative to me, because I have probably said the wrong thing…. but one thing that stuck in my mind… and I will implement in my life…. is, don’t ask… just do.. not that you just show up, but you say… I will be there at 7 to bring you….. or I will be there tonight, if you’re well to watch a movie if you’re up to it… When someone is sick, the last thing they want to do is burden someone. If you just do.. they can’t say no…. My life is going to be completely different and I will now probably be that go to person… and I will be the person to make meals and I will be the person to lean on…. I’ve been so incredibly blessed by so many people…

I need to thank Jamie for the conversation last night.. it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other… and we’ve rescheduled a bunch of times… and I told her… if it’s not now, it may not be anytime soon… so let’s just do it. I’m glad we did… These are the things for the last literally years… I’ve just not done. I’ve not had those girls conversations…. I’ve not taken the time, not because I didn’t want to… but I couldn’t… I’ve been so busy with work…. It is so nice to just talk to someone else…. of course, we talked about me some…. but it’s so nice to talk to someone else about what’s going on in their life…

Thank you to Ines, Juliet, Amelia and Tillie who have graciously offered to bring my family meals…. that is so appreciated… although I’m not going through chemo just yet… we are SO incredibly busy… too busy. I’ve actually decided that no more evenings will I be going out and doing things until chemo.. They told me I need to rest and rest up for what’s ahead…. so I really need to do that!

We are trying to sell all of our studio items so that we can move what’s left…. we need to move it out this weekend… Thank you so much to Katie O’Neil Greico for organizing and keeping track of the sold items… and meeting people there to pick them up… I was so completely overwhelmed with that task….. thank you, thank you…

And, there’s one more thing I’d love to address in this blog… 

This year, we will not be taking on anymore new weddings…. and honestly we’re not sure what next year will bring… But, Darrell will finish up the contracts that we have currently…. Darrell would love to spread the word among all the photographers…. that he will be available as a 2nd shooter for dates that we are not booked…. He’s a freaking amazing photographer and of course we have plenty of gear, lighting, etc…. and he would be an phenomenal addition to any photographer…. It would be immensely appreciated if you would consider having him…. because we REALLY depended on the income for photography and it’s going to be months before we have any money coming back in….. and I PRAY that our brides will understand and not have any issues with just Darrell shooting with another shooter. I tried to call one of my brides yesterday…. and she didn’t answer and I was in part…. so thankful. I don’t know if I was ready…. If they cancel, which some very well may…. Darrell will need to make extra income now more than ever…. so I pray that the Charlotte Photography Industry…. will embrace a fantastic addition to their team…. Please contact me if you are interested…. greysonsteelephotography@gmail.com

Many, many thanks….

I have so much stuff to get caught up on… and there’s no sense dwelling on what I cannot change…. so for the here and now I am going to focus on what I need to complete, the remaining tasks for the business… take a small hiatus from Facebook, other than to maybe let you know when I have a blog post… I have had such an overwhelming outpouring of support… I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate it… I’m sure Diane and others will keep me updated…

Right now, I have a lot of fear of the unknown… and so until I know… I’m just going to try to focus on what needs to be focused on…

Thank you Katie for handling the studio sales… for me… I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all of this…

Thank you to Diane for creating the site to try to help us through this… if you want it…. http://www.gofundme.com/5kihio

Yesterday I went to have my ECHO done and I went for genetics counseling, but it was extremely expensive and that is just not in the cards for us, right now…. They said my risk is 5% or 1 in 20…. eventually maybe when I’m insured I will choose to have it completed… I may just go ahead and have them remove my girl parts to avoid the ovarian cancer risk…. I will eventually want to have it done to know if I have passed it onto my boys…  but that will come in time…

On the bright side.. while I was there yesterday… I found my wig… 🙂

Today’s visit with the oncologist was very informative… and a little scary. There are lots of side effects of chemo… but, it appears that the benefits outweigh the risks…I pray I am able to avoid any of the horrible things they scared me with today… 

Bare with me through my roller coaster ride of emotions. My emotions change by the moment… 

So, we have a plan… December 9th, I’ll receive my port… December 11th, will be my first day of TAC chemo. I’ll receive treatments every 3 weeks for 4.5 months. This too shall pass… 

I’ve been mourning the loss of my ability to act as a photographer for our company… but, we’ve decided that rather than allow all the hard work we’ve invested over the past years… to go to waste… Darrell will continue to shoot, because he is a phenomenal photographer and we will find a fabulous 2nd shooter…. and I will oversee everything. I will find a fabulous wig.. and hopefullyhave my makeup artist friends who can teach me how to learn my new way to apply makeup. ❤

I’m trying desperately to see the positive, to find my way… and find peace with all of this. I find myself smiling a little more than I’m crying…. and I will take that for now… ❤

I won’t advertise every blog I post, some are for me… because this is my therapy..

Most everyone knows I’m a wedding photographer… For the past 4+ years… we’ve cultivated and nourished this business to a point where we were peaking… The magazines were starting to recognize our work, we’ve won countless awards, referrals were pouring in…. we were finally going to achieve our goal, next spring…. for my husband to join me full time.  And then we found out I have cancer…. all of this is very new, news… still within a couple of weeks and during these two weeks…. it has been both amazing and devastating…

Yesterday, we were finally given the information…. we were dreading. After my mastectomy.. this summer, I will not be able to shoot weddings… for several years… and I will explain…

Someone asked me why? I got a little defensive… I could tell that they felt we were being too cautious….

My diagnosis is… Left Breast – Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and it’s positive in my Sentinel Lymph Node. Right Breast – I had 3 spots on MRI that they were concerned with… when biopsied, my surgical oncologist is unsure that what was biopsied was what was seen on MRI…. What was biopsied… has something called Atypia (pre-cancerous cells)…. which means that in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… it will most likely develop into cancer.  The doctor recommended mastectomy due to the size of the tumor…. on the left breast. We opted to go ahead and do a double because of the atypia… we do not want to risk going through all of this again. So therefore my course of treatment…. 6 months chemotherapy/double mastectomy/radiation… I will have to wait 6-8 months and then I can start reconstruction.

My doctor is not concerned not for the breasts…. but for the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are what cause the cancer to spread…. I have a distinct tumor on one of the lymph nodes… but they do not know how many lymph nodes it affects.  Yesterday the reason for my appointment… was…. they wanted to give me the option of biopsying the right breast to either confirm or deny diagnosis…. but also they are concerned about the lymph nodes… the reason is…. if they have to remove even 3-4 of the lymph nodes.. which they will during mastectomy…. I could end up with lympedema… it’s a 1-5% chance… that may seem small… but it’s large enough to not risk it…. If you’ve seen how ugly lymphedema can be…. it’s not worth it. Plus it’s limiting when/if you get it…  If we opted to go ahead an biopsy the areas of concern…. we have to wait for another month before I can start chemo… that gives my body another month for this cancer to spread. We decided to move forward right away with chemo… to start attacking this beast inside me…. and take the slight chance of lymphedema…. but that risk is extremely lowered…. if you do not do anything strenuous with your arms. At the time of surgery… if the chemo has not shrunk the tumor in that main lymph node… and she said with the type of cancer I have… she’s just being real…. that there’s a higher chance it will not kill it completely… My cancer is hormone driven and I have a continuous supply that is feeding these tumors… IF it’s positive in that main node… she will take ALL of the lymph nodes on that side… and my risk goes up to 15-30%. I’ve seen lymphedema…. and I will do everything I can to prevent it. It does not go away. I’m not an older woman in her 60’s-70’s…. I’m still very young… and I have lots of years of sleeveless shirts, swimsuits, etc… that I’d like to enjoy… and not worry about hiding my arms.

I’ve had so many worries and concerns…. 1. our business…. what will happen to it, all this work we’ve put into it… will just slowly die 2. having no breasts for a good long time…. 3. losing my hair (it may seem trivial… but it’s a loss)… 4. losing my studio  5. losing myself…. I’m a photographer, this is what I am…. not to mention that… but I already had self confidence issues… I’m a woman….we all have them… but this… puts it at another level…

And then I remind myself… but you will survive. Yes, it’s going to be a really tough couple of years… financially, emotionally and it’s going to take a toll on my health… but I will be alive… I will be here for my children. Then I’ve had people cause me to worry about my husband leaving or cheating…. and so I talk to him… and he assures me he isn’t going anywhere… This has caused so many vulnerabilities to come out…. and it’s not attractive, at all…

I’ve been through a lot since I’ve been with Darrell… more than one man should have to deal with.. honestly, in the past 6 years… we lost a child and I grieved, terribly…, we went through the premature birth of another child.. where he had to care for me 24 hours a day… and then visit a baby every day in the NICU for months… and now this….plus on top of all of this… the stress of our business…. it’s a lot. It’s only normal for me to worry that it might be too much for him to deal with… He assures me, he’s not going anywhere…. I’m going to need him….

A friend of a friend sent me this… and I was actually wet with tears….

http://vimeo.com/57648966

I pray…. that I find my way like this woman has…. I pray that I can inspire someone, like she has…. I pray that I find my way… and that losing my photography career…. does not mean that I’ve lost my way…. but that I will find my way in another direction….