It’s the fear of the unknown… I’m the type of person, I don’t get sick often… but when I do… it typically hits me hard…. So right now, it’s the fear of the unknown… Last Monday… next Wednesday felt so far away… it’s coming too fast…

It’s Friday… and we have SO much left to do.. I still have storybooks & projects I need to finish, I have weddings that I haven’t even touched… and I’m running out of time. I pray that chemo doesn’t kick my arse… and I can muddle through and I won’t be bed bound…. I pray… because I have so much left to do! And, we need to finish selling and moving out of the studio by the weekend.

I’m in search of a wig… I plan to wear hats, but I know there will be some instances… where my teenage boys will be embarrassed if I have no hair or I appear sick… sometimes I don’t want to appear sick… I want to feel normal, so it’s important to me that I find a great wig…

I know that I’m equipped to handle what happens to me…. but it’s what affects others that has me so burdened…. And that’s our brides… They count on me… they met with me, they fell in like with me…. and the dynamic of the team that we are…. So, my biggest fear has been to explain to them and the fear that they may not want to use us…. and now more than ever, it’s so important that we retain most of these dates…. especially since we cannot take any more new weddings….

I’ve notified 3 brides…. I am awaiting a response from one… and the two responses I have received…. are a pure reflection of the brides I attract…. so embracing, so understanding, so amazing…. I have some very large name photographers willing to aid and assist at these weddings without expecting any compensation…. That is amazing.

I have to notify a lot of brides yet… but I feel like I need to take it as they come… I don’t know what position I’ll be in.. maybe my surgery will be put off and I’ll be able to be there… so there’s no reason in my opinion to worry people who don’t need to be worried….

All of this has been hard… so incredibly hard…. I pray that I don’t appear to be complaining… or whiny… I pray that you understand that this is also an outlet for my fears, my feelings… this helps me to vent and also to encourage, to explain… without having to explain 1000 times…. so many people are aware of what’s going on…. due to the industry I’ve been in…

The kindness, the love, the concern, the generousness of the people in the industry… people I have never, ever met…. some people who are just relatives of people I know…. people who’ve donated, who’ve offered their assistance, people who don’t know me from Adam….. are offering themselves to me however they can…. It’s absolutely amazing, overwhelming…. absolutely heartwarming. It brings me to tears… so often…

And then there’s my husband…. my rock, my man, my protector, my fixer…. he and I have both had our different ways of dealing of coping of taking control of this….. we both found ourselves retreating inward… and not leaning on each other… he recognized this in himself… but it was also me…. I have so many fears of how he will feel about these new changes… and it’s hard. It’s very hard….. I was protecting myself. A friend allowed me to vent… and we were able to get past it…. and we talked it out and the change has been amazing…. I need him. Both of us pushing each other away is not going to help anyone…. We need each other, right now…. But, there’s so much to deal with, so much to finalize, so much to take care of… He’s the fixer.. he handles things, he plans, he finds strategies….. and I just feel… We’ve committed to leaning on each other….

My kids are each dealing with this differently…. I have Taylor… my 19 year old. He moved back home…. just having him here, it makes me feel like life is the way it’s supposed to be… He’s quiet, he leaves a lot… when I first told him, the tears fell…. I haven’t seen those tears since… but I can tell, he’s scared…. just having him here… means everything to me. I don’t care if he comes and goes… it’s just nice.

Then I have Preston, he’s 18… he’s my snuggler, he hugs me 10 times a day, tells me how much he loves me… and he’s more vocal… He’s more like me. He announced it on Twitter and allowed people to reach out that way… I let him, it’s how he copes… everyone copes differently. And one of his friends reached out… it turned out their Mom has breast cancer and she has been very supportive and checks on him… which is awesome.

Then, there’s Brianna… Brianna’s my 17 year old step daughter…  we have a great relationship. She doesn’t live with us… but she visits often… She is soothed by music… she sends me songs… she sends me things, pictures, etc… she’s a very artistic person, a little more pulled inward…. but, she expresses herself with songs…. and music. All different kinds of music… a truly generous and kind hearted woman.

Then there’s Greyson… I’ve read that I need to be honest, so he knows what to expect and my hair doesn’t fall out and it scares him…. so besides telling him Mommy’s boobies are sick…. he knows that my hair will fall out and that Mommy is very sick and Mommy won’t be able to carry him soon… and I did tell him that they will need to take my boobies…. So last night, he lifted up my shirt…. and looked in there… to make sure they were still there… and then rubbed them…. I let him…. what’s the big deal… they won’t be there soon. He’s consoling me… *tears* I feel so bad that my kids have to go through all of this with me… I know it’s scary. They are scared to lose me…

Lastly, my parents…. my Dad has been checking on me more often, doing little things… to show me in his own way… He’s also a fixer… and he can’t fix this. He can’t take it away… so it upsets him…. My Mom has been UHMAZING… I worry about her… she’s going to be burdened with caring for me… now on top of Greyson. She’s been there every single day… every single wedding we’ve needed her to take him…. she’s more of a 2nd mother, than a Grandmother… My mother is an amazing, amazing person…. she has taken care of me more times in her life…. than a mother should have to…. For some reason, my body doesn’t do certain things, well.. Pregnancy for instance. She has never left my side… she’s always been there for me…. I pray, this doesn’t take a toll on her health…. Stress is a huge contributor to cancer….

I’m scared… every little ache… every little new feeling… I worry. I worry that it’s spread… I know the scans came back normal… but lately my collar bones have been just aching… I pray that it’s tension… because I sure have a lot of tension…. Darrell has been rubbing my shoulders for me… rubbing my head… and comforting… I am trying not to worry… but it’s hard.

They told me that with this type of cancer… they are doing everything to aid in my overall survival. But, chemotherapy with hormone related cancer… really only helps by about 10%  – they don’t expect major changes… but they hope it will help … to make my margins be clearer…. what he said will ultimately help me… will be surgery… and Tamoxifen… which will subdue my hormones… which will be my biggest contributor. I will take if for 10 years…. at least. So, you wonder… is it even worth it? 10% to go through the next 4 months of hell? But, you do all elements…. to aid in survival.. When you hear that… you realize just how serious…

Anyway, I probably won’t post much this weekend… we have so much to do…. and Monday I go for my port…. and I have another appt… so I really only have today, Saturday… Sunday we’re busy with a huge surprise…. and Tuesday… to get everything done… It’s getting close….