My friend Katie came to visit today and bring me lunch.. it was such a beautiful day and we were able to sit outside and Greyson demanded all her attention…. 🙂 But… when we did have time to talk…. we were talking about all of the difficulties I went through… and I don’t know if I’ve ever really recapped… what our family went through… so I will… Some of the people who’ve kept in touch with me… through it all…

Darrell and I got pregnant…. in 2008, we were ecstatic… it was unplanned… but a very welcomed pregnancy. I was thrilled at the prospect of having another baby and getting to have a girl, since Darrell said… his genes only made girls… I was like… fabulous, I had two boys from my previous marriage… and I was thrilled at the prospect of having a baby girl! I held him to his promise… 🙂

The pregnancy went without a hitch… until I was 17 weeks…. I woke up at 4am  with a severe hemorrhage… I went to the ER… at that time the baby looked great, a bit on the small side… but we found out… she was indeed a she…. They could not determine the source of the bleed and said all looked great and I was fine to go to work at 8am…. so I did.

20 weeks and 6 days pregnant… I went to my doctor appointment with my Mom and Darrell because my 4D Ultrasound was to follow with Prenatal Picture… At my doctor’s appointment…. all went great, she said the heartbeat was great…. and we went onto my 4D Ultrasound…. At my ultrasound appt… Mary Lucas was my sonographer… and she kept moving the wand and sighing and my heart started to pound outside of my body…. I knew something was wrong. She had me get up and drink a sprite and walk around… and nothing… there was no movement. She urged to me to immediately go back to my doctor’s office…. and we did… and they confirmed that the baby had passed…. They told me I could go home and think about it… and process it… but we said… no absolutely not…. and we stayed and they induced labor….. I labored all night….. and the morning of February 14, 2009 Gabriella Christine Ann Gaddy was born….

The days/weeks that followed were the hardest and worst weeks of my life…. My doctor told me that as soon as we were ready… we could try again. It became my mission to be pregnant again….

May 2009 we were on our anniversary vacation and Greyson was conceived…. When I was 7 weeks pregnant…. I had a severe hemorrhage… on the way to the hospital… I remember telling Darrell… I’m sorry, but I can’t keep losing babies…. He told me… I understand. So, we went to the hospital and his little heart was flickering away…. It turned out I had a subchorionic hematoma…every 7 days until I was 12 weeks, I bled out… and every week I was scared that something was wrong….. Weeks 12-15 weeks were glorious…. I had no issues…. When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I started having pre-term labor…. and was forced out of work… and to be on strict bedrest….  Weeks 15-19 I was at home, staving off bedrest with procardia and lots of hydration…. at 19 weeks the labor was becoming too intense and my insurance wouldn’t cover terbutaline until I was 22 weeks, I believe…. My doctor told me she would admit me and keep me there until insurance would cover the terbutaline. I was in the hospital for 8 days…. and finally they agreed to allow me to have home monitoring and sent me home on terbutaline…. Greyson was so low in my pelvis… that I could feel the pressure, so Darrell would lift me upside down in the recliner…. to relieve the pressure….

At my 22 week 5 day appt…. they did an ultrasound to see the length of my cervix… and it was paper thin… she made me lay upside down in her office… and they called the ambulance to transport me to CMC Main…. When at CMC main… they tried everything… Mag Sulfate (2 rounds)… they gave me steroids for the babies lungs…. I was on blood thinners and circulation cuffs because I had been so immobile, they stopped feeding me because I was at risk of delivery and I was having a c-section with Greyson because he was breech…. They tried procardia….They did the fetal fibronectin and it was positive… which meant delivery is imminent within 2 weeks…. I met with the neonatologist… and everyone encouraged me…. to make it to 24 weeks pregnant…. I laid there for days…..

October 3, 2009… I was 24 weeks pregnant… finally!!! That morning a nurse graciously allowed me to sit and sponge bathe, I’d been laying in bed and no baths…. I was so grateful!!! It was THE best bath of my life…. They had started me on another round of Mag Sulfate…. and it just wasn’t working, my contractions were not stopping…. They came in and met with me and told me…. if you reach 5 cm, we’re taking the baby….. 2:30pm…. Darrell had just left to go home and shower…. and he got the dreaded call. I was 5cm and they were going to immediately prep me for c-section….. at 5:03pm… Greyson was born. Weighing 1#8.5oz…. The next 24 hours were critical…..

He made it through the 1st 24 hours…. then the next week…… then the next month…… and he was a little super champ…. he did so amazingly well…. he was our miracle… at that point, we finally felt like…. we might bring a baby home…. 89 days later…. still on oxygen… Weighing 5# 4oz…. Greyson came home. The BEST time in our life….

While at the hospital… we decided we would restructure everything and name our photography company after Greyson Steele….. so became the birth of Greyson Steele Photography…. The next 4 years were an absolute blur…. and wonderful achievements….. our company grew and grew and grew…. and we really made a great name for ourselves within the Charlotte Wedding Photography Industry…..

And, now I have breast cancer…..

I have these ladies, moms and friends who have followed all of our tragedies… and I had one today…. leave  a comment… that she used to come home every day and look for the updates on Greyson and now she’s looking for my updates daily…..

So, that brings me back to my visit with Katie…. Katie and I sat and reminisced today…about all of this, I don’t think I’d ever told her my stories….. and she sat and looked at all of Greyson’s tiny diapers and paci’s and hospital mementos…… and I also showed her a photo of me holding my beautiful baby girl….

She asked me…. “which was harder…. Gabby, Greyson or Cancer?”…… Hands down, losing my child. That was THE worst thing…. and worrying about losing another….. the NICU was terribly stressful, but I told her…. we felt so hopeful and I always said, that what I went through with Gabby prepared me for what I went through with Greyson…. it made me stronger and it made me more appreciative for having a baby that was ALIVE.

It was such an amazing visit with Katie today…. and I thought… you know many people who read my blog may not understand when I say we’ve been through a lot….. so I’ll fill you in…. I like talking about it…. although all of it has been hard… all if it has also made me stronger…. including Cancer.

Greyson loved our visit today…. love seeing him so happy….

So today I had my 1st oncologist appointment following chemo 9 days ago. It was a great appointment… My white blood cells are 4.9, which is actually a great number since above 4 is normal…. He said, while I was at my worst my numbers had probably really declined which was why I felt so terrible…. but they are bouncing back nicely… Which is amazing news. It means that I don’t have to stay so secluded… I need to be careful about where I go, but I don’t have to wear a mask…. I can leave the house. I drove for the first time yesterday… that felt VERY strange… He changed a few things in my medicine schedule… but otherwise, everything is perfect… and on track for the next chemo which is January 2….

So, this morning, I did my hair…. and put make up on…. and took a photo… because it will probably be the last photo you see of me with hair for awhile.

I asked my oncologist, what the likelihood my hair will fall out…. He said 100%. My lashes and eyebrows… he said may or may not go. It just depends…. So a friend had mentioned to me yesterday… ” YOU take control of your hair and not let the chemo/cancer determine when it comes out”….

I’ve decided to take control and not wait for my clumps to start falling out and be depressed about it….. Tomorrow at 2:30, I will officially be bald. My family will surround me…. and my step daughter will be here and so we’ll take a lot of photos…. I have debated, do I do it… or do I wait? I feel like… I want my family to all be here, I want to make it an event… and then I want to celebrate! So tomorrow evening, we’ll be celebrating with family…. I am a bit nervous… I’ve thought, but what If I’m the 1% that their hair doesn’t fall out…. I’ve been guaranteed, not with this regimen of TAC…. they’ve not see anyone who hasn’t lost their hair…

I’ve been able to get some work accomplished over the past few days…. and it truly saddens me. I don’t think anyone realizes how much I will miss photographing weddings. I truly makes my heart ache. It’s such an amazing sense of satisfaction and completion to be a part of such an amazing day. And… locally within the Charlotte Market, we’d made quite a name for a ourselves… something to truly be proud of…. also something truly to mourn. We’ve halted all advertising, we’ve liquidated our studio…. that part saddens me.

So, I’ve been thinking hard about what my career path will be… I don’t have to completely stop taking photos…. I just can’t hold 2 cameras on my shoulders for 10-12 hour days… and do the repeated motion, that could bring on lymphedema…..  Maybe fashion photography… maybe something different…. I’m not sure yet, what my path will be….

One thing I’ve been encouraged to do is to maybe publish my blog into a book…. In doing that, I thought maybe…. I could chronicle the lives of some breast cancer patients…. and then maybe do some glam sessions for them… so that for even a few hours, they can feel amazing….. So many things to consider…. and I’m hoping that maybe something will present itself to me… maybe something I’ve not even considered…

As I’ve said many, many times…. this has opened my eyes to see things I’ve never paid attention to… and I’m so new in this journey…. I’m sure I don’t even realize half of what is to come for me…..

I will post photos of my bald, beautiful head tomorrow… ❤

Several days after I had my diagnosis… my beautiful step daughter sent me the Martina McBride Song… I’m going to love you through it… and one part of it really stuck out for me…. When one of us gets cancer, we all get cancer… I shared that with my Mom and she had this brilliant idea… to make this photograph happen… Many thanks to Juliet Harless from Juliet Photography for making it a reality…

I’ve been blessed to have a really strong group of people that have surrounded me… so much so that I’ve almost decided that being in a support group may not be ideal for me, not at this time. I want to surround myself with healthy, strong people who want to love and support me and love me through this…. It’s nice not to feel sick sometimes… It’s constantly in front of me, constantly a reminder… I have a few people that I’ve connected with that have cancer and choose to remain in touch with them so that we can share our stories and war wounds… they’ve been amazing. And we are all at similar points in our treatment…

I was sent this very strong message from a friend on my Facebook page and I love it so much that I want to share it…

I felt so terrible those first days of chemo that I feel so amazingly good to feel better…. I am in good spirits, although house bound to reduce my chance of sickness and infection… I’ve been told it gets harder each time as the chemo builds up into your system… it was really hard those first 5 days… or so… but I am getting stronger each day. I imagine it will not get easier, but…. it’s so far it’s been tolerable. I’m a pretty tough cookie with a pretty high pain tolerance, though… Thanks to my Mom for that… ❤

Today is 1 week past chemo… 2 weeks until the next one…. This weekend my stepdaughter will be in town and I’m really looking forward to having our entire family together… as it should be, but isn’t always possible…. So we will enjoy the time we have! She’s told me she will do some glam sessions with me… she is an AMAZING makeup artist and photographer… so I am looking forward to it… I may do some real artsy photos… we’ll see how brave I get…

Friday I see my oncologist for a check up… I imagine all will be just fine for me to proceed with my next chemo… I’m feeling really good.

Love & Hugs…

Yesterday… I actually felt like eating, I didn’t just force myself…. Progress!!! In all the years, I’ve prayed to lose weight… just 10lbs…. Here I’d gotten down to 18lbs lost… thinner than well, probably highschool…. I was able to put about .5 lb back on…. so that’s progress.. Next chemo will probably be cumulatively harder…. all the way around. I expect after my next treatment to lose my hair… and they said, it may be just a little harder…

I have a little more energy, I’m not feeling faint every time I stand up…. I’m sitting up instead of laying down…. I’ll take all the positive I can get.

I got a call yesterday from my doctor’s office.. pap smear, CA125 etc… were all normal! That’s fantastic… at least that part of my body hasn’t failed me!

I would like to gush a little about my amazing husband…. I’m a believer that all things are for a reason, I don’t believe in Karma or anything like that…. but I believe there is sometimes a purpose in things we don’t always understand. I believe that my husband is in my life for a reason… not that I was supposed to go through a divorce or anything like that…. but, I had preterm labor in my past… and it was my Mom who had to care for me, because I just didn’t have that support… When I was pregnant with Greyson…. and I was in serious pre-term labor… it was my husband who was there for me… 24 hours a day…. helping me bring our little miracle man to a point where he could live. It was a joint effort, not just my work to hold him in…. Honestly, my husband would lift me upside down…. and hold me there just to keep Greyson inside…. This time is truly no different. I think we both feared the unknown… we didn’t know what to expect. THAT was stressful…. we didn’t know how I’d react to chemo, we just didn’t know…. Now that we have an idea…. I think it’s more acceptable. We know I’ll be sick for 5-6 days prior to chemo and then I’ll be on the upswing… and it will get a little better each day…. He feeds me, he shops, he cleans, he does laundry…. and this is not just because of chemo…. this is just him, this is the kind of man he is….. He always thought he cooked better…. so I just let him think he did…. hey, that was one less thing I had to do! 🙂 This past Sunday was probably my worst day… I woke up, tried to shower… and quickly regretted it…. I was soon on the floor of the shower and Darrell was delivering my meds in the shower to help ease my nausea… while drying me off and getting me settled in…. It takes a truly strong, amazing man to not only care for their wife….. but while they are all curled up on the bed in her pink sweatsuit….. he cozy’s up to me and tells me how cute I am…. ok, I’ll take cute…. I’m sure it looked anything BUT cute…. but I’ll take whatever I can get….. lol Darrell Gaddy, without you by my side…. I could not manage this. You make it easier, you make it tolerable…. now if you’d just find some movies we both like, it would be even better….. I LOVE YOU with all my heart. With you by my side, I’m sure I can beat this….

I’d also like to gush on the people in the Charlotte Wedding Industry…. It’s no surprise, I’m a wedding photographer… well, I was a wedding photographer <sniff, sniff>…. and no matter what I’ll always be an artist…. anyways…. This industry has the most amazing charisma…. (trying to find the right word, but that’s all I can come up with)… This industry is competitive, it’s demanding, it’s stressful….. it’s a lot of hard work for anyone who’s in it. They’ve worked hard to be wherever they are on the rung of this business. I personally kept myself very private, I kept very few people near and dear…. I wasn’t honestly crazy about the dynamic of the industry…. It felt very cliche’ and just hard sometimes to be “someone”…. so I just stayed away… for the most part. Which is why…. it’s sooooo amazingly shocking to me that so many people have rallied together, come to my aid, offered help, offered whatever they can possibly do…. and I seriously mean….. it just doesn’t stop. Every single day…. every single day…. something amazing is happening. Meals are being delivered, calls, texts, visits….. donations, I mean it seriously doesn’t stop. At the top of this pyramid, Mrs. Diane Esposito from Split Second Sound… it’s not new news that Diane and I haven’t been friends forever…. but we share some amazingly deep things that not many could actually understand, so Diane’s friendship to me has been absolutely invaluable and amazingly important to me. She is basically taking on this full time job of this fundraiser and party that she’s planning…. and none of this was ever anything but her idea… with the help of others in the industry. And, she already has a full time job… This is out of her pure love and concern for me…. You don’t have to know someone your whole life sometimes to have a connection that is indescribable.  Diane… I’ve thanked you.. you’ve told me to stop countless times… WE APPRECIATE everything you are doing for us… and we love you and Vinny for all you are doing for us… Things above and beyond….. I’m going to say it again.. THANK YOU!!! Thank you for all of the people who’ve graciously stepped in and offered their services…. Shutterbooth of Charlotte, Giovanni Films, Carolina Cake Artistry, Cheesecake, Etc.., Crystal Border Stokes, Sky’s The Limit Cakes, Magnolia Events, Planned Perfection… I know there are more… Diane has just mentioned these few to me, she’s told me… I’ not to worry about this… so I’m letting her do this and hopefully I’ll be well enough to at least make an appearance… I’ll be 2 days past chemo… Honestly, I don’t know who will be all involved in the end…. but all I can say is THANK YOU for offering your services, I cannot tell you just how much it means to me….. that you would offer your help to our family…. Thank you to those who have fed my family, delivered items for our daily use… Thank you to Kymm McLean for bringing an entire grocery bag of Vegan items yesterday to nourish me… Thank you Ines for bringing two meals for our family this week….. Thank you to our close friends Tess & Lou who are constantly checking in to make sure we don’t need anything….

Our blessings are in plenty…. This situation is horrible, it’s hard to go through…. but somehow all of you are making it a bit easier on us….. Thank you to everyone!!! Happy Tuesday! 119 days to go!

I had hoped to get this posted yesterday… yesterday just wasn’t my day… I ended up going to bed very early, which has resulted in a very early morning…

I got a text from Amanda Pagano from Isabel’s Corner Videography that she wanted to visit, it would make me smile… her daughter was with her and she had a fever… so she couldn’t come in… when she walked in, I was absolutely shocked… Amanda is known for her long locks…. long, long, locks…. she cut her hair!!! And, she had her hair in her hand…. she said “I didn’t know what else to do and I had to do something”…. We had visitors yesterday and they were in awe… what an amazing thing to do! These are Amanda’s pics from her hair cut…Amanda told me to also credit Kymm McLean from Who’s The Fairest for finding the sylist…. who reduced the price of the cut by quite a bit… thank you Kymm!

Amanda brought a gift for Greyson from Savvy… which he was thrilled about… They brought him a build a bear… in the box… and he had just woken up from his nap…. he was thrilled. The cutest thing… last night, I was tucked in bed early…. and I woke up to Greyson putting the bear right by my head… he said I needed to cuddle…. 🙂 So sweet…

I am forever so touched by your generosity…

Later that evening… John Ficarotta from Giovanni Films dropped off a huge box with a dinner of his famous pasta, garlic bread and salad…. Thank you so much. My diet is very bland these days…. but, my family sure appreciates it….

Tonight I have Ines Ananguren from Sky’s The Limit Cakes delivering two meals… for this week… And my dear friend Amelia Old will be dropping food off as well… I’ve actually asked Amelia if she’d oversee the dinner delivery just because I’m so out of it these days… she will manage it better than I can… and she has graciously offered… Thank you Amelia…

I had lots of visitors yesterday… Robbie, Tess & Lou, Dayna from Carolina Cake Artistry and Amanda…. it was a great day!!

How do I deserve all of you?? Love & Hugs to you all!

This is how I’ve been spending most of my time… I pray that it gets easier to deal with over the next couple of days…. I’m nibbling on little bits… I have a very dry and metallic mouth, so not much actually tastes good, on top of the nausea…. They said to expect 5-10 days following to be the worst… and then I’ll be on the upswing and then it will be time to start again….

I’ve been running my fingers through my hair to see if some are coming out… so far, they seem to be sticking… they said it may not be until after my next treatment before it really starts to fall…

What I’d like to focus on more than anything in this blog… is the kindness and generosity of people. Every single day it seems something amazing is happening…. Yesterday, we received a bag full of local restaurant certificates from my husband’s employer…. Today, Diane tells me she’s coming to visit for awhile and she comes walking in with a laptop… she did not take the money from our funds, she said this is from she & Vinny…. it’s their gift to us….  It’s mind blowing…..

I think once I asked why I have cancer… why is this happening to me/us?  What I question now more than anything…. is why are all of these people who I’ve never met, who I’ve never had any impact on…. why are they so willing to give so freely to me and our family.  I honestly have no idea…..I’m not just talking monetary things…. I’m talking, every day visits…. phone calls, texts, “how are you doing?” Let’s be honest… not everyone is in a position where we can just give freely to others… we may be struggling ourselves…  But, what is so heartwarming about all of this…. is how prevalent this is weighing on the minds of so many… It’s so true… “when once of us has cancer, we all have cancer”…

It literally amazes me, the meals, offers of…. “do your kids need anything”… I’m at the store, what can I do for you? I want to come visit you later…. It truly is so heart warming and in all honestly, I do not know what I have personally done to warrant all this from all of these amazing people. I’ve mentioned before…. that my stance and position on helping others is forever changed…. I may have lost my career, but I have a feeling something amazing will come out of this….

Today I feel like complete crap… I’m not going to lie…. but at the same time, I feel so amazingly blessed.

This is seriously no joke…. It’s not intolerable…. but it’s also miserable at the same time. You can tell it’s toxic… the headache is toxic… the nausea feels like burning… When I’m laying down, the nausea doesn’t bother me so badly…. when I’m up and around, it hits like full force… And there is a general ache deep in my bones…

Today I’ve managed to get some of the soup that Marleen (my primary doctor, thank you I need your recipe) sent me… and it really sits well, but I can just take a bit at a time…. and a part of a piece of toast…. and mostly water….

When I’d found out I had breast cancer, I changed my lifestyle dramatically, lots of fresh fruits and steamed veggies, very little meat… An alkaline balanced diet… I will eat some chicken and fish…. and doing that I’d lost about 12lbs…. They told me steroids would probably make me gain weight, but they didn’t…. I am down another 4lbs.. since chemo started on Wednesday. I’m at my all time lowest weight right now…. so I imagine more will come off….  especially if we don’t get the nausea under control. They’ve got me on Larazepam for nausea… it makes me super sleepy…. so when I take it, I almost instantly need to nap…. I will give it this weekend to try to work… and if it’s not better Monday I will ask them to change it up….

Many thanks to Andrea Owens at Total Tranquility Salon in Lake Park (Indian Trail)… for the relaxing, wonderful massage…. I came home…. and went right to sleep…. for a good few hours… Success!

Thank you for the package today from Annette Rockenstein from Cali… she sent me a care package with some natural deoderant, lip balm and hand lotion from Arbonne. Thank you… so much..

Also thank you to Jamie Geiss who sent me a huge package of hand sanitizer from The Body Shop and it is safer for you.. than traditional hand sanitzer….

Love & Hugs…. 124 days to go…

The nausea had already hit by last night…. and they are giving me Lorazepam for nausea which is actually an anti-anxiety drug…. but it’s used for nausea in chemo patients… It knocks you out when you take it… and it honestly only works awhile and you have to wait 8 hours to take it…. I could stand to lose some weight when I started… for sure. But in a month, as of this morning despite steroids which are supposed to make me gain weight, I’ve lost a good bit of weight, about 14 pounds… Today the nausea is literally relentless and it’s like nothing I’ve experienced… it’s like a burning nausea…. The headache is also very much there… it’s like a burning on the scalp… yucky.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning after reading and email and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I was able to grab a snuggly nap with my little…. I felt better after napping, but after walking around… it’s back in full force… so back to the couch I go…. 1 day down… 125 to go…. before chemo is over…  Some people I know have done this countless times….I plan to do everything I can, everything in my power… to never have to do this again!!!

Back to the couch…

First day of chemo… we took more pics… but I’m not feeling up to uploading them… just yet.

I did well for chemo… they gave me lots of drugs… benadryl made me very tired… I have a foggy headache… on the top of my head… and literally the nausea just hit me in the last 10 minutes…. it feels like a burning tummy ache, almost… They said it will take a couple days for the full effects to hit… She also said in the next 10-14 days.. my hair will probably start to fall out… but it won’t fully fall out until my next appointment… She suggested I shave it when it falls out because it’s annoying….

My heart has been giving me hard thumps every one in awhile… and they monitored me while there… but they feel it’s probably from the steroids…

Thank you Dayna for your kindness today.. the cupcakes (I ate some of one, probably wasn’t a good idea)… and the yummy ginger salad… I think that will be a staple for me… and thank you for spending time with me… LOVE & HUGS…

Also want to mention the amazing emails I received today… from Kristin Vining and Julie Staley from old South..  some lucky brides may be thrilled that they will  have these amazing photogs covering their weddings with Darrell… ❤