I’m going to go backwards a bit…. but just want to talk a bit about the little things in life…. that mean SO much. This photo was taken yesterday by my daughter Bri while we were in the back seat… Greyson just randomly started touching my head…. it was so sweet. I posted it to Facebook and got so many likes and comments on it… It is pure emotion, love and adoration… What a sweetheart….

Then I wanted to talk a bit about my experience at Starbucks the other day…. I walked in, with my shaved head…. and went to use my $25 gift card that the Woods family bought…. and wanted to treat Bri to a coffee…. So I went to the counter and this man said… Ladies first…. and then he said “Nice haircut”…. it was very sweet…. So I order and I’m standing there, waiting in line….to get my drinks…. and he comes up to me and says…. “Those danishes are the best. I’d love to buy you one…. please let me buy it for you.”  He knew I was married, he commented about my husband…So, I let him…. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, I am not eating that kind of stuff…. so I let Brianna eat it… well neither of us really ate it…. but it was just a kind gesture…. so I asked him if I could take his picture…. I’m sure he totally took it the wrong way because he made a point to come back into Starbucks and give me his card…. lol This bald thing has been interesting!

I am so glad that Brianna and I got those photos the other day… because today it’s exactly 2 weeks since chemo…. which means it’s 1 week til the next…. BOOO!!! But last night while washing my face…. I noticed my hairs were coming out…. I cried. I took the photo…. and cried some more…. I know it’s going to happen. I know it’s inevitable….. but it didn’t pain me any less to see it… I know that once I lose my hair and it appears my eyebrows for now….. that I will appear sick. Not that it really changes anything…. but, once people have the shiny head look…. and no brows, people know. Even now people look at me…. even when I wear a hat.. I know it probably seems silly…. but, although I’m trying to be strong, I’m trying to be brave….. it sucks. It really, really sucks. So I had my cry…. fell asleep and now I’ll blog.  I apologize for the toilet in the photo…

And, then there’s something else I’d love to chat about…. 7 years ago today…. I was trolling on Match.com and this persistent guy…. messaged me.  He had an interest in photography… hey he couldn’t be so bad! He told me that he had just been to see his daughter and it was her wish that he’d meet someone….. Well he did. Darrell and I chatted on the phone for hours…. and we met the next day….. and the rest is history…. 🙂 Happy 7 crazy, unforgettable years…. babe! 🙂

Enjoy your time with family & friends today…. Love & Hugs…

Over these past weeks… being told you have cancer, you cry… a lot! You get angry… you find acceptance…. and then you make a decision that you can’t change it and so you might as well make the best of it…. I cut my hair off and then I buzzed it off…. all of these changes, felt empowering… but I can’t truly say that I’ve felt gorgeous or beautiful through it all…. and going through chemo…. you feel less than beautiful for sure….

Yesterday I had my head shaved in an effort to show cancer that it doesn’t control me…. I will control my life … and cancer will not control me….

My daughter is in town and she is seriously the most amazing photographer… 17 years old and she has the most amazing, booming business…. I’d like to take credit for her talent, but she’s not related by blood… but by marriage…. Since her father is an amazing photographer as well, he gets all of the credit….  She hasn’t even graduated high school…. She also did my makeup and I did not guide or instruct her on these photos…. or edit them… this is entirely HER talent….

Today, Brianna… you made me feel gorgeous…. and I love you so incredibly much… and I’m so thankful to have you in my life… Thank you for these beautiful photos… plus the beautiful video that you made for me….. You inspire me…. thank you for my shining moment….

Every single day it seems there are some amazing things happening… monumental things! I have several people I NEED to thank….

Today… my day began when I stopped in at Total Tranquility Salon in Indian Trail and Sharon had modified my wig that I bought, styled it and she highlighted it…. It’s gorgeous… I was so thrilled to see it…

Then later that day, she shaved my head for me…. and this was really a way for me to empower myself and show cancer that it will not determine my hairs final time. I did.

Shortly after my appointment… Diane Esposito came over… with Tillie Bonney – Kerna with my shoes… they were slightly small so they were stretched to fit me… ❤ I have some photos of them on my feet and they are absolutely stunning (minus my lack of pedicure)… I need to thank Marc Defang New York for these amazing shoes…. I LOVE THEM!!!! Marc also arranged for me to have another gorgeous wig which I absolutely love!!!  and Tillie took some photo photos that I’ll share with you…. His best friend Alfred Wong from Hong Kong.. the largest wig manufacturer in Hong Kong…. sent me this amazing wig…. 

I am so grateful to all of you for making yet another day so incredibly special…. NOT to mention all of the love and support shown to me with my new bald head… I’m truly overwhelmed… and if I do say so myself…. I can pull it off!!! I’m amazed…. it’s strange feeling but…. it’s truly not the end of the world after all….

I love you all VERY much…even those I’ve not met….

Many, many thanks!!!!

My friend Katie came to visit today and bring me lunch.. it was such a beautiful day and we were able to sit outside and Greyson demanded all her attention…. 🙂 But… when we did have time to talk…. we were talking about all of the difficulties I went through… and I don’t know if I’ve ever really recapped… what our family went through… so I will… Some of the people who’ve kept in touch with me… through it all…

Darrell and I got pregnant…. in 2008, we were ecstatic… it was unplanned… but a very welcomed pregnancy. I was thrilled at the prospect of having another baby and getting to have a girl, since Darrell said… his genes only made girls… I was like… fabulous, I had two boys from my previous marriage… and I was thrilled at the prospect of having a baby girl! I held him to his promise… 🙂

The pregnancy went without a hitch… until I was 17 weeks…. I woke up at 4am  with a severe hemorrhage… I went to the ER… at that time the baby looked great, a bit on the small side… but we found out… she was indeed a she…. They could not determine the source of the bleed and said all looked great and I was fine to go to work at 8am…. so I did.

20 weeks and 6 days pregnant… I went to my doctor appointment with my Mom and Darrell because my 4D Ultrasound was to follow with Prenatal Picture… At my doctor’s appointment…. all went great, she said the heartbeat was great…. and we went onto my 4D Ultrasound…. At my ultrasound appt… Mary Lucas was my sonographer… and she kept moving the wand and sighing and my heart started to pound outside of my body…. I knew something was wrong. She had me get up and drink a sprite and walk around… and nothing… there was no movement. She urged to me to immediately go back to my doctor’s office…. and we did… and they confirmed that the baby had passed…. They told me I could go home and think about it… and process it… but we said… no absolutely not…. and we stayed and they induced labor….. I labored all night….. and the morning of February 14, 2009 Gabriella Christine Ann Gaddy was born….

The days/weeks that followed were the hardest and worst weeks of my life…. My doctor told me that as soon as we were ready… we could try again. It became my mission to be pregnant again….

May 2009 we were on our anniversary vacation and Greyson was conceived…. When I was 7 weeks pregnant…. I had a severe hemorrhage… on the way to the hospital… I remember telling Darrell… I’m sorry, but I can’t keep losing babies…. He told me… I understand. So, we went to the hospital and his little heart was flickering away…. It turned out I had a subchorionic hematoma…every 7 days until I was 12 weeks, I bled out… and every week I was scared that something was wrong….. Weeks 12-15 weeks were glorious…. I had no issues…. When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I started having pre-term labor…. and was forced out of work… and to be on strict bedrest….  Weeks 15-19 I was at home, staving off bedrest with procardia and lots of hydration…. at 19 weeks the labor was becoming too intense and my insurance wouldn’t cover terbutaline until I was 22 weeks, I believe…. My doctor told me she would admit me and keep me there until insurance would cover the terbutaline. I was in the hospital for 8 days…. and finally they agreed to allow me to have home monitoring and sent me home on terbutaline…. Greyson was so low in my pelvis… that I could feel the pressure, so Darrell would lift me upside down in the recliner…. to relieve the pressure….

At my 22 week 5 day appt…. they did an ultrasound to see the length of my cervix… and it was paper thin… she made me lay upside down in her office… and they called the ambulance to transport me to CMC Main…. When at CMC main… they tried everything… Mag Sulfate (2 rounds)… they gave me steroids for the babies lungs…. I was on blood thinners and circulation cuffs because I had been so immobile, they stopped feeding me because I was at risk of delivery and I was having a c-section with Greyson because he was breech…. They tried procardia….They did the fetal fibronectin and it was positive… which meant delivery is imminent within 2 weeks…. I met with the neonatologist… and everyone encouraged me…. to make it to 24 weeks pregnant…. I laid there for days…..

October 3, 2009… I was 24 weeks pregnant… finally!!! That morning a nurse graciously allowed me to sit and sponge bathe, I’d been laying in bed and no baths…. I was so grateful!!! It was THE best bath of my life…. They had started me on another round of Mag Sulfate…. and it just wasn’t working, my contractions were not stopping…. They came in and met with me and told me…. if you reach 5 cm, we’re taking the baby….. 2:30pm…. Darrell had just left to go home and shower…. and he got the dreaded call. I was 5cm and they were going to immediately prep me for c-section….. at 5:03pm… Greyson was born. Weighing 1#8.5oz…. The next 24 hours were critical…..

He made it through the 1st 24 hours…. then the next week…… then the next month…… and he was a little super champ…. he did so amazingly well…. he was our miracle… at that point, we finally felt like…. we might bring a baby home…. 89 days later…. still on oxygen… Weighing 5# 4oz…. Greyson came home. The BEST time in our life….

While at the hospital… we decided we would restructure everything and name our photography company after Greyson Steele….. so became the birth of Greyson Steele Photography…. The next 4 years were an absolute blur…. and wonderful achievements….. our company grew and grew and grew…. and we really made a great name for ourselves within the Charlotte Wedding Photography Industry…..

And, now I have breast cancer…..

I have these ladies, moms and friends who have followed all of our tragedies… and I had one today…. leave  a comment… that she used to come home every day and look for the updates on Greyson and now she’s looking for my updates daily…..

So, that brings me back to my visit with Katie…. Katie and I sat and reminisced today…about all of this, I don’t think I’d ever told her my stories….. and she sat and looked at all of Greyson’s tiny diapers and paci’s and hospital mementos…… and I also showed her a photo of me holding my beautiful baby girl….

She asked me…. “which was harder…. Gabby, Greyson or Cancer?”…… Hands down, losing my child. That was THE worst thing…. and worrying about losing another….. the NICU was terribly stressful, but I told her…. we felt so hopeful and I always said, that what I went through with Gabby prepared me for what I went through with Greyson…. it made me stronger and it made me more appreciative for having a baby that was ALIVE.

It was such an amazing visit with Katie today…. and I thought… you know many people who read my blog may not understand when I say we’ve been through a lot….. so I’ll fill you in…. I like talking about it…. although all of it has been hard… all if it has also made me stronger…. including Cancer.

Greyson loved our visit today…. love seeing him so happy….

So today I had my 1st oncologist appointment following chemo 9 days ago. It was a great appointment… My white blood cells are 4.9, which is actually a great number since above 4 is normal…. He said, while I was at my worst my numbers had probably really declined which was why I felt so terrible…. but they are bouncing back nicely… Which is amazing news. It means that I don’t have to stay so secluded… I need to be careful about where I go, but I don’t have to wear a mask…. I can leave the house. I drove for the first time yesterday… that felt VERY strange… He changed a few things in my medicine schedule… but otherwise, everything is perfect… and on track for the next chemo which is January 2….

So, this morning, I did my hair…. and put make up on…. and took a photo… because it will probably be the last photo you see of me with hair for awhile.

I asked my oncologist, what the likelihood my hair will fall out…. He said 100%. My lashes and eyebrows… he said may or may not go. It just depends…. So a friend had mentioned to me yesterday… ” YOU take control of your hair and not let the chemo/cancer determine when it comes out”….

I’ve decided to take control and not wait for my clumps to start falling out and be depressed about it….. Tomorrow at 2:30, I will officially be bald. My family will surround me…. and my step daughter will be here and so we’ll take a lot of photos…. I have debated, do I do it… or do I wait? I feel like… I want my family to all be here, I want to make it an event… and then I want to celebrate! So tomorrow evening, we’ll be celebrating with family…. I am a bit nervous… I’ve thought, but what If I’m the 1% that their hair doesn’t fall out…. I’ve been guaranteed, not with this regimen of TAC…. they’ve not see anyone who hasn’t lost their hair…

I’ve been able to get some work accomplished over the past few days…. and it truly saddens me. I don’t think anyone realizes how much I will miss photographing weddings. I truly makes my heart ache. It’s such an amazing sense of satisfaction and completion to be a part of such an amazing day. And… locally within the Charlotte Market, we’d made quite a name for a ourselves… something to truly be proud of…. also something truly to mourn. We’ve halted all advertising, we’ve liquidated our studio…. that part saddens me.

So, I’ve been thinking hard about what my career path will be… I don’t have to completely stop taking photos…. I just can’t hold 2 cameras on my shoulders for 10-12 hour days… and do the repeated motion, that could bring on lymphedema…..  Maybe fashion photography… maybe something different…. I’m not sure yet, what my path will be….

One thing I’ve been encouraged to do is to maybe publish my blog into a book…. In doing that, I thought maybe…. I could chronicle the lives of some breast cancer patients…. and then maybe do some glam sessions for them… so that for even a few hours, they can feel amazing….. So many things to consider…. and I’m hoping that maybe something will present itself to me… maybe something I’ve not even considered…

As I’ve said many, many times…. this has opened my eyes to see things I’ve never paid attention to… and I’m so new in this journey…. I’m sure I don’t even realize half of what is to come for me…..

I will post photos of my bald, beautiful head tomorrow… ❤

Several days after I had my diagnosis… my beautiful step daughter sent me the Martina McBride Song… I’m going to love you through it… and one part of it really stuck out for me…. When one of us gets cancer, we all get cancer… I shared that with my Mom and she had this brilliant idea… to make this photograph happen… Many thanks to Juliet Harless from Juliet Photography for making it a reality…

I’ve been blessed to have a really strong group of people that have surrounded me… so much so that I’ve almost decided that being in a support group may not be ideal for me, not at this time. I want to surround myself with healthy, strong people who want to love and support me and love me through this…. It’s nice not to feel sick sometimes… It’s constantly in front of me, constantly a reminder… I have a few people that I’ve connected with that have cancer and choose to remain in touch with them so that we can share our stories and war wounds… they’ve been amazing. And we are all at similar points in our treatment…

I was sent this very strong message from a friend on my Facebook page and I love it so much that I want to share it…

I felt so terrible those first days of chemo that I feel so amazingly good to feel better…. I am in good spirits, although house bound to reduce my chance of sickness and infection… I’ve been told it gets harder each time as the chemo builds up into your system… it was really hard those first 5 days… or so… but I am getting stronger each day. I imagine it will not get easier, but…. it’s so far it’s been tolerable. I’m a pretty tough cookie with a pretty high pain tolerance, though… Thanks to my Mom for that… ❤

Today is 1 week past chemo… 2 weeks until the next one…. This weekend my stepdaughter will be in town and I’m really looking forward to having our entire family together… as it should be, but isn’t always possible…. So we will enjoy the time we have! She’s told me she will do some glam sessions with me… she is an AMAZING makeup artist and photographer… so I am looking forward to it… I may do some real artsy photos… we’ll see how brave I get…

Friday I see my oncologist for a check up… I imagine all will be just fine for me to proceed with my next chemo… I’m feeling really good.

Love & Hugs…

Yesterday… I actually felt like eating, I didn’t just force myself…. Progress!!! In all the years, I’ve prayed to lose weight… just 10lbs…. Here I’d gotten down to 18lbs lost… thinner than well, probably highschool…. I was able to put about .5 lb back on…. so that’s progress.. Next chemo will probably be cumulatively harder…. all the way around. I expect after my next treatment to lose my hair… and they said, it may be just a little harder…

I have a little more energy, I’m not feeling faint every time I stand up…. I’m sitting up instead of laying down…. I’ll take all the positive I can get.

I got a call yesterday from my doctor’s office.. pap smear, CA125 etc… were all normal! That’s fantastic… at least that part of my body hasn’t failed me!

I would like to gush a little about my amazing husband…. I’m a believer that all things are for a reason, I don’t believe in Karma or anything like that…. but I believe there is sometimes a purpose in things we don’t always understand. I believe that my husband is in my life for a reason… not that I was supposed to go through a divorce or anything like that…. but, I had preterm labor in my past… and it was my Mom who had to care for me, because I just didn’t have that support… When I was pregnant with Greyson…. and I was in serious pre-term labor… it was my husband who was there for me… 24 hours a day…. helping me bring our little miracle man to a point where he could live. It was a joint effort, not just my work to hold him in…. Honestly, my husband would lift me upside down…. and hold me there just to keep Greyson inside…. This time is truly no different. I think we both feared the unknown… we didn’t know what to expect. THAT was stressful…. we didn’t know how I’d react to chemo, we just didn’t know…. Now that we have an idea…. I think it’s more acceptable. We know I’ll be sick for 5-6 days prior to chemo and then I’ll be on the upswing… and it will get a little better each day…. He feeds me, he shops, he cleans, he does laundry…. and this is not just because of chemo…. this is just him, this is the kind of man he is….. He always thought he cooked better…. so I just let him think he did…. hey, that was one less thing I had to do! 🙂 This past Sunday was probably my worst day… I woke up, tried to shower… and quickly regretted it…. I was soon on the floor of the shower and Darrell was delivering my meds in the shower to help ease my nausea… while drying me off and getting me settled in…. It takes a truly strong, amazing man to not only care for their wife….. but while they are all curled up on the bed in her pink sweatsuit….. he cozy’s up to me and tells me how cute I am…. ok, I’ll take cute…. I’m sure it looked anything BUT cute…. but I’ll take whatever I can get….. lol Darrell Gaddy, without you by my side…. I could not manage this. You make it easier, you make it tolerable…. now if you’d just find some movies we both like, it would be even better….. I LOVE YOU with all my heart. With you by my side, I’m sure I can beat this….

I’d also like to gush on the people in the Charlotte Wedding Industry…. It’s no surprise, I’m a wedding photographer… well, I was a wedding photographer <sniff, sniff>…. and no matter what I’ll always be an artist…. anyways…. This industry has the most amazing charisma…. (trying to find the right word, but that’s all I can come up with)… This industry is competitive, it’s demanding, it’s stressful….. it’s a lot of hard work for anyone who’s in it. They’ve worked hard to be wherever they are on the rung of this business. I personally kept myself very private, I kept very few people near and dear…. I wasn’t honestly crazy about the dynamic of the industry…. It felt very cliche’ and just hard sometimes to be “someone”…. so I just stayed away… for the most part. Which is why…. it’s sooooo amazingly shocking to me that so many people have rallied together, come to my aid, offered help, offered whatever they can possibly do…. and I seriously mean….. it just doesn’t stop. Every single day…. every single day…. something amazing is happening. Meals are being delivered, calls, texts, visits….. donations, I mean it seriously doesn’t stop. At the top of this pyramid, Mrs. Diane Esposito from Split Second Sound… it’s not new news that Diane and I haven’t been friends forever…. but we share some amazingly deep things that not many could actually understand, so Diane’s friendship to me has been absolutely invaluable and amazingly important to me. She is basically taking on this full time job of this fundraiser and party that she’s planning…. and none of this was ever anything but her idea… with the help of others in the industry. And, she already has a full time job… This is out of her pure love and concern for me…. You don’t have to know someone your whole life sometimes to have a connection that is indescribable.  Diane… I’ve thanked you.. you’ve told me to stop countless times… WE APPRECIATE everything you are doing for us… and we love you and Vinny for all you are doing for us… Things above and beyond….. I’m going to say it again.. THANK YOU!!! Thank you for all of the people who’ve graciously stepped in and offered their services…. Shutterbooth of Charlotte, Giovanni Films, Carolina Cake Artistry, Cheesecake, Etc.., Crystal Border Stokes, Sky’s The Limit Cakes, Magnolia Events, Planned Perfection… I know there are more… Diane has just mentioned these few to me, she’s told me… I’ not to worry about this… so I’m letting her do this and hopefully I’ll be well enough to at least make an appearance… I’ll be 2 days past chemo… Honestly, I don’t know who will be all involved in the end…. but all I can say is THANK YOU for offering your services, I cannot tell you just how much it means to me….. that you would offer your help to our family…. Thank you to those who have fed my family, delivered items for our daily use… Thank you to Kymm McLean for bringing an entire grocery bag of Vegan items yesterday to nourish me… Thank you Ines for bringing two meals for our family this week….. Thank you to our close friends Tess & Lou who are constantly checking in to make sure we don’t need anything….

Our blessings are in plenty…. This situation is horrible, it’s hard to go through…. but somehow all of you are making it a bit easier on us….. Thank you to everyone!!! Happy Tuesday! 119 days to go!