I’ve felt kinda down both mentally and physically these past couple days… not much different to report on that end… so figured it was best not to blog while I’ve not in the best of spirits…. Chemo is not easy for sure.

As I watch all of my industry friends begin their new year…. it makes me so happy for them, yet also so sad… because this year would have really set our business apart… and it just saddens me so deeply to feel like my career as a wedding photographer is going to be forever changed…. I must say that while I was so busy I didn’t really have the time or take the time to look at all of the talent in our industry, but there is some really amazing talent in our industry… of wedding photographers…

I’m truly happy for the successes of others, but can’t help but feel that….. I’m a little lost. I’m sitting here… day after day, not feeling the greatest…. and trying so desperately to look forward to what lies ahead…. but really not knowing what that might be, is also worrisome…. And I have so much to overcome before I can even think about it….

The responses of many of my brides have truly warmed my heart. I honestly only have maybe 2-3 brides that have expressed worry or reluctance when it comes to our choices and decisions and for that I’m sooooo honestly grateful…. I cry at most of the responses…. It’s been such a huge relief and I’m so thankful.. Former and future brides… I always really expressed the importance of relationships with them… and many of them I truly consider friends… For that I am so incredibly blessed….

I have so many people in the wedding industry who have gone above and beyond for me… for our family… but I urge everyone to consider this upcoming party/fundraiser as a way for everyone to come together and have a great time….  I realize the focus is on raising funds for our family…. but I really hope that everyone will come together as a way to take some time out of life and just enjoy…. https://itrulycare.com/events/pink-is-the-new-black-fundraiser-for-dawn-gaddy If I’ve not met you… please take the time to introduce yourself to me and my family….

When I say, I’ve lost my sparkle…. I will not stop smiling or forget my purpose is bigger than what I do for a living…. or bigger than what I hoped to be…. I will try to focus on what I have to look forward to…. But, I can’t help for a minute to feel so saddened…. I’ve gained so much….. but I’ve lost a lot too….

I have a busy year ahead… for sure, of editing and creating storybooks and being there for as many of the brides that I can…. I’m just going to cherish it…. and enjoy it so much…. Knowing, it may be the last of my career as a wedding photographer… So many other obstacles to overcome… 4 more chemotherapy sessions and surgery and radiation….

Also I wanted to ask for a few prayers for a lady that is struggling…. her cancer was in remission for 2.5 years and has metastasized and I pray for her all the time…  It’s very scary…. I’m looking at beating the cancer that I have… and to know that it’s always going to be a concern, that it could return… or I could lose my battle…. scares me… which is why I have focused on trying to eat the very best way I can to avoid my cancer from returning… and pray that it’s all taken from my body while I have the chance…. 

Jill Brzezinski-Conley – Breast Friends on Facebook

Also, please keep Katie Moore in your prayers and thoughts and if you can find some financial resources to pass along to their family, it would be most appreciated… She’s a 12 year old girl battling ovarian cancer…. I can’t even imagine being in their family’s shoes…

http://www.gofundme.com/5vc760

Thank you all for your love and support…. You truly have no idea how much it means to me and our family….

We are fed, we are provided for…. we are so blessed. Thank you…

I’ve not had much new to report this time after chemo.. I’m 4 days past…  the nausea has been relentless despite all the meds they have me on…. I’m praying it will subside after a few more days… I’m achey from the Neulasta shot… and I’m just overall pretty tired… but, I think I’m handling it pretty well… considering. My eye puffiness has gone down a lot… my eyes aren’t teary at the moment… but they did tell me the teary eyes are definitely from Taxotere… so the puffiness could’ve been from the UTI like my doctor said because it was an infection or the teary eyes… who knows, I’m just glad it’s subsided…

My husband has literally been doing everything…. I could not do it without him. Thank goodness for all the meals provided so that he doesn’t have so much to do…. but he’s holding down the fort with everything else… even if it means getting me nausea meds at 3:30am…

Last night I got a pretty stellar night’s sleep…. I slept from about 8:30-6:30 this morning…

Just planning to have a lazy day in this cold, chilly weather….

❤

Yesterday, I wrote about a post about love is… and there are several people that I missed…. and others I’d like to expound upon… When you go through something like this, you realize how important family & friends are…. I’ve been so blessed to have people in the wedding industry come to my aid and many of them have more flexibility…. some of my best friends in the world feel horrible because they live miles away… or they work full time and can’t be there for me like others can…. and I know that it hurts them that they can’t be there for me… Today I honestly don’t care if anyone else reads this… but the very important people I’m going to mention in this blog post….

First, I’d like to talk about my best friend… Tracey. She and I have known each other since I was 16 and she was 17… Our lives were eerily similar and have remained eerily similar throughout our friendship… It’s one of those friendships that you can not talk for weeks or months… but you can come together and it’s as if nothing has changed…. We live hundreds of miles apart, she lives in Nashville…. and we rarely get to see each other… But, when we do… it’s like we’re back to our teenage years… in that paddle boat where it all began, talking for hours…. Years ago, we used to spend hours on the phone just about every day…. Now, we’re lucky if we get 20 minutes every week…. But, it’s true love… a friendship that will be forever… I know you can’t be here in ways you wished you could… but you always come when it matters most… and I love you so much!!!

Next, I’d love to talk about my closest friend here in Charlotte… Tess. I call her my NC bestie… We both know each other has besties… and that’s ok… Our friendship is different and special, in it’s own unique way. Tess showed up on my door step 6 years ago… her son and my son had become friends… and they invited us over to their house. And we’ve been friends ever since…. Tess & Lou are the friends whenever we have a chance… we’re getting together, grilling, going out to eat…. whatever we can. Any special occasions… Tess said it best… we’re not friends, we’ve become family. When I was newly diagnosed, Tess was calling me every single morning to just chat… to come down to just give me a hug… and I completely overlooked her yesterday in my Love Is…. and I feel horrible about that… because she is truly one of those people in my life… that means so much to me… I love you so very much Tess & Lou…. and Nichole and Devin…. you all are truly family to our family…. And our life’s events would not be the same without you all…. Throughout the past years… we’ve all been so busy, we haven’t has as much time to do things like we’d like to… but I’m positive all of that will change… and this next year is going to be amazing for us all!

Honestly, I’ve kept my friends very near and dear…. I don’t let a lot of people in, but when I do… it’s extremely close and literally we can talk about anything. And, I mean anything…. and those bonds are kept so close… I’ve been blessed to have these friends in my life…. and throughout this process… and make new ones…. and I can say that I’ve got a few more friends that I can add to that “close friends” list…. and for that, I’m forever grateful….

The next friend in my life I’d like to talk about is my Mom… Not many people are honored to consider their mothers a best friend…. but I am. My Mom and I are VERY close… and over these past years while we’ve been so busy, I’ve neglected all of these relationships…. including the relationship with my Mom… even though, she’s been nothing short of everything to our family…. She’s watched Greyson for nearly every single wedding we’ve photographed… and she’s picked him up daily…. and taken Greyson to her house so that I could work…. She never asks or expects a thing, she only gives and gives and gives….. I pray that I become half of the amazing woman she is…. she doesn’t get any credit for what type of person she is…. Truly, she is selfless, honest, trustworthy, funny… amazing. The day I lose her will be a day that I become forever changed…. and I dread that day…. Fortunately, my family tends to have longevity and I pray that day is many, many years away….. I became best friends with my Mom at a time when most kids stray from their parents…. I was about 14 when my Mom and I clung to each other…. and we did everything together… whenever possible…. When my first boys were born… she was no different to them… an AMAZING Grandmother… really a second mother to all of my children…. They are so blessed to have her…. We are all so amazingly fortunate to have my Mom in our lives…. Mom, you are a saint…. truly a saint…. I love you with everything I am….

The next person I’d like to talk about for a minute is my Dad…. I was my Dad’s little girl…. my fondest memories are of my childhood and hanging out with my parents, since I was the last child at home… I went almost everywhere with my parents…. My Dad has always been extremely proud of me in an unspoken way…. I just knew.  My childhood memories are of family and friends, sing a longs… visits with other family and friends…. I love my Daddy so much…. and although he’s a very tough, strong man…. I know that this is hurting him to watch me go through this…. I know it bothers him and I know he is the type of man who fixes…. and wants to protect and provide…. and he is helpless. And it’s scary…. Again, all of this is unspoken…. I just know. I know him. As a child…. my Dad used to put me on his knee…. and sing me this song…. “A tiny turned up nose… two cheeks, just like a rose…. 2 eyes that always glow… That little girl of mine….. She means the world to me….. She climbs upon my knee…. Yes, she will always be…. That little girl of mine”….  Yes, I will…. I love you Daddy…

I could go on and on…. I need to focus on my sons… I need to focus on so many more people….. that mean so much to me…but, I don’t want to bore…. and it seems someone is always left out….. but I will stop here for today…. I’ve cried enough tears….

I am so amazingly loved by so many people…. and I am so grateful for you all who are “loving me through this”…..

A friend of mine posted a link on my page… which is totally worth viewing… tears literally fell from my eyes…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elana-miller-md/love-is-holy-shit-i-have-_b_4512572.html

I wanted to create my own “Love Is… ” I’m going to start from the beginning… bare with me…

Love is… this girl named Jennifer who so amazingly listened when I asked her if I could send her a photo of my breast, I really wanted to get an appt to see what these changes were in my breast… and she got me at 2:30 that day.

Love is… being in the ER, bawling my eyes out… because I was so worried… I actually had an upper respiratory infection… I was scared it had spread to my lungs… and the nurse asking me if someone could come and be with me…. I called my Mom.

Love is.. having a personal connection on my Facebook page to my family doctor.. and anytime I have a major concern, she’s there to help….

Love is… Finding out you have cancer and your husband who works 30+ minutes or more is there in 10 minutes to hold me and cry with me…

Love is… My entire family coming with me to my MRI appt to support me…

Love is… people who were complete strangers… becoming friends…

Love is… so many of my amazing brides… worried more about me than their wedding…. and so completely trusting in us….

Love is… Every little pain I feel, mentioning it…. and my family & friends listening and being empathetic… distinguishing what needs to be a concern and what doesn’t…. it really sucks worrying that every little thing can be something that could kill you….

Love is… a friend going with you to cut your hair off…. and donating her hair to Locks Of Love in your honor… and another friend having her long locks cut off and hand delivering it so you can have a wig made…

Love is… That one person, who makes it her personal mission to help our family…. Diane Esposito, even my best friend said… I’m so grateful for Diane, because there is no way I could help you like she has helped you….

Love is… An entire community of wedding professionals coming together to help me through this…

Love is.. My husband’s employer and the employees… giving us countless gift cards and certificates for dinners, etc… and for allowing my husband to be with me at my appts…

Love is… my stepdaughter making me feel so beautiful with such beautiful photos…

Love is… a good friend coming to sit with you at chemo… and bring you lunch…

Love is… Calls, texts and personal messages with offers to help me drive to chemo, stay with me at chemo…

Love is… My BFF coming from Nashville to be here to visit and be here for my fundraiser…. and come along to chemo…

Love is…every single day receiving a card or something in the mail to let me know that I’m being thought of…

Love is… My Mom making me meals that I can eat, coming to help me every day with Greyson, laundry… whatever she possibly can help me with…

Love is… My Dad not knowing how to handle this… seeing his little girl so sick…

Love is… A photog, I’ve never met… wanting to give me a day of glam… and telling me she’s got everything covered…

Love is… My boys bringing their friends over… and acting like nothing is different… despite not having hair

Love is… People telling me how beautiful I am without hair… even though I don’t feel very beautiful…

Love is… Sharon bringing me water every couple days to make sure I’m keeping my body alkaline… helping me shave my head…

Love is… My husband making sure I’m all set before he leaves for work… bringing Greyson downstairs and planting us until my Mom or someone can come…

Love is… Meals and desserts and amazing things being prepared and delivered so I don’t have to cook for my family…

Love is…. photographers offering their services for free so we can keep the proceeds….

Love is… relentless, amazing people surrounding me… making sure I feel not only loved but adored…. constantly….

Love is… feeling so amazingly blessed, despite having this horrible disease….

Love is… fighting for your life and changing everything about your life… so that you can be here for your family….

Love is… an amazing man who’s only heard of your story… creates a custom pair of shoes, spending countless hours to customize them for me….

Love is.. your friends coming to surprise you with those shoes… and a meal!

Love is… people donating countless things that I’m unaware of… but only told how generous…. so that people can help us during this journey…

Love is… my little boy rubbing my head and holding my face so sweetly and telling me I love you Mom….

Love is… being told I have an amazing job waiting for me whenever I’m ready…..

Love is… someone calling to tell me they are coming over to clean or have my house cleaned…

Love is… when your friend tells you she’s stopping over to see you for a minute… asks you for the keys to the studio and said you are not spending the last day before chemo cleaning your studio….

Love is… amazing…

I’m sure I missed a ton, I’ll probably think about it and add to this list….

2 days til my next chemo…. I think I’m more nervous this time to go… than the first time. It wasn’t even as bad as I thought it would be…. but, I’ve had all these wonky things happen…. and yesterday I was diagnosed with a UTI… my family doctor got me in immediately, she put me in a secluded room and treated me very aggressively… to make sure I can have my next treatment… She thought maybe the UTI is causing my puffy eyes….

These puffy eyes have me bewildered…. in the mornings when I wake up, the underneath pads of my eyes… literally look like I have blisters…. and the skin around them is so wrinkly…. I don’t know what it is and it’s bothering me. For me… it’s typically and indication that something is really wrong with my body… and I’m very sick. Duh…. But, something else. I pray it isn’t like this all of chemo. It just happened Saturday….I’m not rid of this infection so maybe that is it…

I’m sure guys read my blog, so I apologize…. these are just the facts of life…. The other thing, it could be… is I got my period…. which typically chemo halts your period… I got my period Friday… and it’s still lingering… My doctor said today it will probably be my last period… so maybe that’s part of it? I am honestly not sure. I hope Thursday before they start chemo that they do another blood culture….

Another thing that’s happening is I’ve had a pain in my leg blow the crease in my left knee and today I’m supposed to go in for ultrasound to make sure it’s not a blood clot. I sat at my desk all day working yesterday…. for a longer than usual period of time. I’m really feeling the pressure of this next chemo and hoped to have so much more done… I pray my clients understand…. Anyway, I’m supposed to go for ultrasound… It’s probably nothing, but they told me that both cancer & chemo can cause blood clots….

So, 2 days til chemo…. I’m dreading feeling that low… I really am. I’m dreading looking sickly…. I’m really looking unwell, I feel… Everyone keeps telling me how great I look bald…. I’m just not feeling it. Since my hair has fallen out completely, people really look at me with pity. People I know and people I don’t know…. All hats other than cotton things bother my head… so yesterday, I just work my pink bandana…. Usually, if I’m wearing a hoodie… the hoodie goes up…. The cold on the back of my neck is the worst feeling…. besides my head so the hoodie really helps it all… I look like Joe Boxer… with really puffy eyes… lol

I’ve been drinking tons of Kangen water…. 

Doc office just called and said the ultrasound tech wants to see me right away… waiting for my Mom… then we’re off to the hospital…

I’ve had some weird new side effects from the chemo… which apparently are common…. I’ve had really teary eyes and stuffy/runny nose…. It’s not at all attractive. My eyes are super puffy. It’s not my best look… My eyes are usually an indicator of when I’m really sick… I can only remember a few times in my life when I’ve had such puffy eyes like I do right now…. Before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism they were super puffy… and when I was 17 I had mono… and I had this look… I’ll be curious what my blood levels are on Thursday because something just doesn’t feel right, not quite sure what it is…. I hate it because besides my bald head…. now I have this and it’s really making me really down… I’ve been really tired again too… which is odd, because I had like a streak of days that I’ve been super ready and raring to go, maybe I overdid it…. I’ve been taking Claritin which does help some…. I can only work in limited amounts in front of the computer because it seems to aggravate it… Some of these side effects people say don’t go away after chemo stops…. Lord almighty… please…. I pray this goes away….

We’ve been invited to several functions coming up… and I think I’m going to stay tucked in…. not feeling my best these days… plus so many are getting the flu and I did not get the flu shot, so I really need to reduce my risk…. 

Other than that… not much new to report…

I have Pandora on this morning, trying to finish up a wedding… ❤

It’s literally been such a LONG time that I’ve had a girls day…. literally, I can’t remember…. maybe last year when my BFF was here from Nashville…. it’s been wayyyy tooooo long!!!! So, today… my last chance before next week’s chemo… we decided to go accessory shopping… I got a pair of earrings, a hat and a shawl…. all in winter white… very cute!

We had a ton of fun and I thought I’d post some of the highlights…These are not in order…. But, we started the day at the Asian Market in Stallings… we were told to go there and check out the fresh fish… holy smokes! There were literally live frogs, live crabs, fish.. it was amazing to see… Can’t wait to take Greyson back!

Then we went and did some shopping… had a blast at the Hallmark store… Diane bought me these charms to add to my bracelet that Bri bought me…. so adorable! Then we had a potato and some veggies at Texas Roadhouse… and some Starbucks….

We finished the day with a tour of Diane & Vinny’s beautiful office…

Perfect day!!! Much needed… ❤

I’m going to go backwards a bit…. but just want to talk a bit about the little things in life…. that mean SO much. This photo was taken yesterday by my daughter Bri while we were in the back seat… Greyson just randomly started touching my head…. it was so sweet. I posted it to Facebook and got so many likes and comments on it… It is pure emotion, love and adoration… What a sweetheart….

Then I wanted to talk a bit about my experience at Starbucks the other day…. I walked in, with my shaved head…. and went to use my $25 gift card that the Woods family bought…. and wanted to treat Bri to a coffee…. So I went to the counter and this man said… Ladies first…. and then he said “Nice haircut”…. it was very sweet…. So I order and I’m standing there, waiting in line….to get my drinks…. and he comes up to me and says…. “Those danishes are the best. I’d love to buy you one…. please let me buy it for you.”  He knew I was married, he commented about my husband…So, I let him…. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, I am not eating that kind of stuff…. so I let Brianna eat it… well neither of us really ate it…. but it was just a kind gesture…. so I asked him if I could take his picture…. I’m sure he totally took it the wrong way because he made a point to come back into Starbucks and give me his card…. lol This bald thing has been interesting!

I am so glad that Brianna and I got those photos the other day… because today it’s exactly 2 weeks since chemo…. which means it’s 1 week til the next…. BOOO!!! But last night while washing my face…. I noticed my hairs were coming out…. I cried. I took the photo…. and cried some more…. I know it’s going to happen. I know it’s inevitable….. but it didn’t pain me any less to see it… I know that once I lose my hair and it appears my eyebrows for now….. that I will appear sick. Not that it really changes anything…. but, once people have the shiny head look…. and no brows, people know. Even now people look at me…. even when I wear a hat.. I know it probably seems silly…. but, although I’m trying to be strong, I’m trying to be brave….. it sucks. It really, really sucks. So I had my cry…. fell asleep and now I’ll blog.  I apologize for the toilet in the photo…

And, then there’s something else I’d love to chat about…. 7 years ago today…. I was trolling on Match.com and this persistent guy…. messaged me.  He had an interest in photography… hey he couldn’t be so bad! He told me that he had just been to see his daughter and it was her wish that he’d meet someone….. Well he did. Darrell and I chatted on the phone for hours…. and we met the next day….. and the rest is history…. 🙂 Happy 7 crazy, unforgettable years…. babe! 🙂

Enjoy your time with family & friends today…. Love & Hugs…