My Worst Fears…

When I found out that I had breast cancer… my first fear was… dying. I didn’t know how bad. The first thing out of my mouth to my older boys…. was “I want to dance with you at your wedding and hold your babies”…. they both cried. It was terrible those days not knowing how bad it was….. I didn’t have health insurance, I had life insurance…. and the last thing I wanted was my family to pay off my debts after I am gone. I wanted them to enjoy life….. So, soon after my fears were put to rest. As long as this doesn’t spread and we keep it contained, which hopefully chemo will accomplish…. My prognosis is very good. I just have to go through a lot of sucky months to get there…. probably like 18 months of sucky, actually… :/

Soon after, I met with a lady with cancer who scared me a little bit… although she was being real and honest, she said “I’ve seen men leave their wives, I’ve seen them cheat and I’ve seen some really be there for their wives”…. So, I soon found myself detaching from Darrell… becoming really distant. One of my worst fears was him leaving me because he couldn’t handle this process….. Did I really think he would? No…. but that comment really stuck out in my mind. Soon after, we discussed and we talked about it…. and he has confirmed he is going to be nothing short of supportive, loving and amazing through this process…. Ironically, he really kind of digs my bald head….

The next fear you have is losing your hair…. I’ve always had longer hair… very few times in my life has my hair been short. And, I honestly have NEVER loved my hair short…. I did it for the change. But, didn’t really love it…. so the thought of being bald, really, really scared me…. If you’ve followed my blog… you know that I had long hair, my friends encouraged me to cut it… Diane treated me to a beautiful hair cut…. then this past Saturday, I shaved it off… and I realized, hey this really isn’t so bad….. well then these past few days, it was coming out in clumps and I was getting the patchy look…. The first photo is my hair coming out on the lint roller yesterday… but that really aggravated and hurt my head…. so we decided since my husband is a professional head shaver we’d go ahead and just let him take it off…. My head hurt yesterday… today it’s almost numb to the touch, it’s very strange…

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This is the progression of my look…. I will have long hair again some day!! ❤

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My husband is amazingly proud of me. It oozes from him….. he’s not ashamed and ironically, I think he kind of digs it in a weird way…. We went out to dinner as a family before I was shiny bald and I asked them if they wanted me to wear a wig. They didn’t…. My family has been amazingly supportive of me. ❤

My next biggest fear is my breasts…. After all this is said and done… chemo check, double mastectomy check, radiation check….. I have to wait for my skin and tissue to heal before I can have reconstruction. I’ve had boobs since I was 11, actually maybe 10. When I was a teenager my boobs were abnormally large in comparison to other girls my age… Eventually, my kids sucked the life out of them…. lol And, so one thing that I’m really looking forward to is new boobies… and they will have to take the skin from somewhere and I don’t have a lot of tummy fat…. so I’m thinking maybe they can take it from the backs of my legs, maybe both areas, I’m not sure…. we’ll know more about that soon when I meet with the reconstruction docs. BUT…. there’s a chance due to the damage that my body will reject the implants…. I’m still really young, I know it’s not the END Of the world… and I can handle being flat chested for 6 months…. but, I PRAY that my body will not reject the implants! It really is such a huge fear of mine…..

I’m honestly not even worried about dying anymore…. I don’t even think about it. I don’t even allow it to enter my mind….. I’m really trying to stay positive and remain focused on each little thing I have to accomplish….

On a side note, my best friend Tracey had her first mammogram yesterday… My aunt had hers, my Mom had hers…. and I’m PRAYING for No Call Backs!!!! I cannot tell you how many women have messaged me or told me…. I had my mammogram! That is amazing…. amazing… amazing!!!!!

I don’t know still how I missed mine… after they told me I was ok… after weeks of fidgeting with my boobs, I just stopped…. I stopped completely checking them. Oh how I wished I didn’t allow them to ease my mind so much…. These days… I can feel my arm pits throbbing…. I know for 100% my left sentinel is positive… but the throbbing under both makes me suspicious. We won’t know until surgery if they are both positive or how many nodes are positive…. even being upstaged to a 3-4 doesn’t really worry me anymore…. I have come to know so many amazing women who have lived YEARS…. staged as a 4. I’m grateful to have had this time to educate myself and know more. My doctor really didn’t even want to put a stage on me…. she said but honestly that could change after surgery and at this point, if you had surgery you could and probably will be upstaged… She said it doesn’t matter… the treatment is the same. So, let’s take one thing at a time….

Totally sidetracked….. lol Sorry!

My biggest fear initially was not being here for my children…. having to explain to him why Mommy is losing her hair, etc… For him truly…. was all of this shaving, cutting, etc…. Greyson is such an aware child…. and if you explain it to him, he totally accepts it. He’s really been my rock through this…. he rubs my head. When I cry… he asks me “Are you crying Mom… or No?”…. that’s his new thing, it’s the cutest… “Do you have a surprise for me… or No?”… He keeps me focused… He told me “Mom you look funny” last night…. I asked if I was still beautiful and he said “Yes…” He is truly a Dennis the Menace…. but I love him so much.

TGIF!!!!! 5 Days til the next chemo…. :/

One thought on “My Worst Fears…

  1. Dawn, this is so nice to read how you are just taking one day at a time. What are your favorite scriptures that help with the emotions? My favorite is Proverbs 3:5. I wish there was more I could do to help. Know you are in my thoughts everyday and in our prayers
    Love you,

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