I find music… therapy. I love all kinds of music…. and sometimes I’ll just sit and listen to Pandora… I share this in common with my family members. I love to sing…  I love to dance… I love to laugh…. and I need to do more of ALL these things!!!

One good thing about this week, it really went fast and guess what it’s the WEEKEND again!!! 🙂 Hopefully we’ll see some sunshine….

My husband sent me this blog post from another blog…. and I’d really love to share it…. So many of these I really need to apply in my life…

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/02/05/25-things-you-need-to-stop-wasting-time-on/

And for fun…

My aunt posted this… this is perfect… If you see me dancing in Indian Trail…. you’ll know why! Love this Grannie!

I guess I posted about my amazing weekend and the bottom fell out… this week has been pretty awful. It started with hearing some really not so nice things, actually incredulous things being said from SEVERAL people who I highly trust, coming from people who were involved in my fundraiser…. which…. REALLY upsets me. I’ve taken the high road and have opted not to say anything…. I really don’t understand why these things would be said about me? I know exactly where they are coming from, because there was one particular topic that ONLY one person knew about. Weren’t these people supposed to be helping me????  Why try to hurt me now?? I have cancer… really??? Why not just walk away….. why? I guess this means I’ve played my cancer card again…. Seriously, please stop… allow me to fight this disease in PEACE. I pray no one believes it…. and remember, there are ALWAYS two sides. I just haven’t vocalized mine….

I’m fighting for my life right now…. this isn’t the flu. It’s cancer…. I’m stage 3, according to my oncologist. 1 stage away from being incurable. Let’s not make this deadly by causing me more stress…. please. All of this is taking a toll on my health and my family life…. I’d really love to be here for my family, friends…. and children.

So, I wrote about my raw tongue yesterday…. it’s like when you have a swollen tastebud but it’s all over your tongue…. yes, it’s lovely. So… I’m at the point where I get the puffy, watery eyes…. My son took a photo last night with me and I’m so glad he did… because it literally…  comes on overnight. I look like a chemo patient…. Well, this morning, I woke up with a super swollen Uvula…. It’s been super dry at night, I wake up every morning all dry…. and parched, so I have my water by the bed…. I went to look in the mirror and I’m like… holy smokes! I showed Darrell… he’s like yep, it’s really swollen….. So I have a call into my doctor. I wrote about it on my message boards… they said it indicates a reaction to something. Well it’s 13 days past chemo…. I just find that so odd!? I guess apparently it’s normal for the reactions to keep coming because I’m on this cycle and it’s literally like clockwork…. Waiting on a call from my doctor…. This is the picture of me and my son Preston… ❤

So the doctor called and said they are calling in some Magic Mouthwash… it is probably thrush she said from the Red Devil chemo…. and it has benedryl and licocaine and something in it for the thrush…

So, I ventured out to Trader Joes… they did have the Coconut Sugar!! And everything I needed to make the recipe on The Coconut Mama’s Facebook Page… I did not put the cream cheese topping on it…. I like cream cheese, but I’m not a huge fan…. they are delicious… very chocolately! I could not imagine that they’d actually have the consistency of brownies because there is no flour to speak of….

So this was the recipe I posted this morning…

STEP 1
Brownie Layer Ingredients
4 eggs
1 cup unsweetened Cocoa Powder
1 cup Coconut Sugar
6 Tablespoons Coconut Oil, Melted
4 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
Pinch of Salt

Pre heat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix dry ingredients together. Add eggs one at a time until combined. Then Add the melted coconut oil and vanilla extract. Mix well and pour into a greased 8×8 inch pan. Bake brownies for 15-20 minutes or until a tooth pick inserted into the middle of the brownies comes out clean.

TEP 2
Cheesecake Layer Ingredients
8 Ounces Cream Cheese, Room Temperature
1/3 Cup Cream
1/3 Cup Sour Cream
1/3 Cup Plus 2 Tablespoons Coconut Sugar
1/2 Tablespoon Vanilla
2 Eggs, Room Temperature

Beat all the ingredients together until smooth. It is important that the cream cheese is room temp or it will chunk up. You can use a stick blender to smooth out the mixture if your cream cheese isn’t soft enough. Pour cheesecake mix over baked and slightly cooled brownie layer. Return to the oven and bake 25-30 minutes, or until the cheesecake layer is lightly brown. Allow to cool for several hours before serving. Cut into squares and serve.

Find Ingredients Here:
Unsweetened Cocoa Powder – http://amzn.to/1eIytrd
Coconut Sugar – http://amzn.to/18uTxBF
Coconut Oil – http://amzn.to/15F6LYw
(amazon affiliate links)

Here’s the original link…

Here’s how mine turned out…. I haven’t had hardly any sugar since I was diagnosed…. so these really taste delicious to me!!!

I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long while…. I have come out of my chemo slump and when I do it’s like exhilarating….. you go from feeling SO incredibly lousy to feeling better and that just feels so unbelievably amazing…. I tire easy, I don’t have the stamina I once had…. but I keep on because I just feel so much better! Right now I’m struggling with a sore mouth…. they said mouth sores might be a side effect… I’ve had some small sores, but right now…. my mouth and tongue is just so incredibly sore, it is affecting the taste of everything… I have to be super careful what I eat.. many fruits, dressings, etc… are so acidic that they just sting…. BUT, my nausea is a lot better….. so it’s a trade off!

Friday night was a fantastic day/night….. a friend invited us to pizza… and so we went and had an amazing time…. talking and catching up…. Saturday my Mom and I took a shopping trip to Goodwill…. lots of great scores! Saturday afternoon I was alone and watched a movie by myself…. it was great! Saturday night we were invited with some friends…. to another friends house and they had the nicest gathering to support me during this journey… it wasn’t really at all about me, but moreso about gathering people together and it was such a nice time…. we came home and watched the UFC fight…. My Mom kept Greyson overnight, so Darrell and I were able to stay up late watching TV and sleep in Sunday…. Sunday’s weather was just absolutely gorgeous and I spent as much of it outside as I possibly could…. I played chalk with Greyson on the back patio…. we went to the park… skipped naptime  and then we had a few friends over for the Superbowl….. It was just a lot of quality time spent…. a lot of chatting between Darrell and I…. talk of future plans, talk of our admiration of Greyson….. and our kids. We are very blessed….

I’ve talked about how cancer changes you…. it really changes your perspective and how you look at the smallest of things….. While I was sitting outside… I leaned back in the chair and the chair was at the perfect height to rub the back of your head… and I was like OMG… this feels so amazing… and my friend Tess said… “it’s the little things”…. it really is! lol As silly as that sounds…..  I find myself looking at things with so much more perspective…. and really soaking in the moments that we have….  I can see the changes in my husband too…. and how he’s viewing this… he’s being more expressive with me…. and it’s absolutely awesome.

Life is so short…. at any moment you can get bad news…. life can be taken from you…. and it truly is a gift and why shouldn’t we enjoy it?? I’ve expressed how much I’d love to move to the beach… it’s not realistic for us at any near point in our future… but it’s definitely on my living bucket list…. I want to live at the beach at some point…. and hopefully at some point, it will happen…. when all the cards come together…. 🙂

Another thing I was thinking about…. 2 years ago…. I got a life insurance policy…. I had no health insurance, but life insurance… hey, why not? lol I wanted to make sure my family was covered in case…. At the time, I honestly never thought anything would happen to me…. I was still young and wanted to get a policy while it was affordable, basically….. I am SO glad I did now!!! Now, I doubt any insurance company would cover me for anything affordable!! Also, I never realized…. they have cancer insurance! If you get cancer, they’ll pay you a lump sum of money…. like $5o,000….. boy would that be helpful at this point! But, I had no idea it existed… I guess because I have cancer now… I get mailings…. Something to consider… with breast cancer being a 1 in 8…. I think it’s something I’d consider doing! Unfortunately, no one would touch me at this point…..

Mom and I are going to go to Trader Joes today…. A recipe was posted yesterday for Gluten Free brownies and they look to die for….. It was on “The Coconut Mama” ‘s page on Facebook.. Here is the link…. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=788533694493665&set=a.304404822906557.91648.284497951563911&type=1&theater

I am a sweets junkie and I have given up all sugar… I would think Coconut sugar is ok?! Everything else coconut is…. so I’m anxious to make these… and hope I can find coconut sugar! I can’t wait to try them….

Happy Monday!!! 🙂

I think I’ve found my mid-chemo slump…. I’m finding blogging difficult, I’m finding myself feeling very cooped up and I’m feeling a bit lonely…. I keep telling myself what I have to look forward to…. my husband keeps telling me what I have to look forward to…. and I find myself down…

I have flourished for the past almost 5 years as a photographer… I never once questioned myself, I always drove myself to be better…. I see everyone in the wedding industry starting their seasons off with a bang, which is awesome!! And I’m feeling a little left behind…. I wished I could submerge myself in my photos…. and I honestly think one of the hardest things about finding out that I have cancer is losing my career…. and I know others have said, but… you never know what will happen, you might be fine…. My doctor sat and told me in front of witnesses that I will need to find a new career path. At the time, it felt like… OK, I can do that…. I can and it will be worth it…. and it will…

During this time I’ve really found out who my true friends are…. and for those people, I am so very thankful…. and those people have come to my aid, stood by my side and continue to stay by my side…. It’s so true that during times of trouble you will learn to rely on your friends…. but now I am finding myself pushing them away a bit…. as I retreat to this place within myself…. for fear I will not say the right thing or I will complain to much or I may seem like I’m dwelling too much on my cancer… I still have a long road ahead after all…. I may be half way through chemo, but I still have surger(ies) ahead… radiation… and I don’t want to seem as though I’m complaining….

I’ve had people reach out to me time and time again….. to tell me how much they enjoy my blog…. The reality of this is that it’s not easy and I will not always be up and bubbly…. I will find myself again, I will find my smile again and cry a little less…. until then…. please bare with me…. if my blogs seem a little less than sunshine…..

I’ve been doing a lot of research on my reconstruction because there are several different options out there….. I’ve been researching DIEP and TUG reconstruction and will most likely have TUG flap reconstruction where they take skin and muscle from your inner thighs because I don’t have enough stomach skin to take at this point…. and I pray, pray, pray I find a good surgeon…. because some of the outcomes I’ve seen have been less than beautiful and very Frankenstein looking…. I was curious to know the recovery time since surgery will be two different locations but I’m having a hard time finding anyone who’s had that type of surgery done…. so if anyone can recommend a site or support group, please let me know!

During the time of surgery/reconstruction I know that my doctor will have me see someone to help prepare me for the surgery and the realization of it…. especially since my reconstruction will most likely be many, many months off….. I don’t know that anyone can truly prepare themselves for it…

This will be my last blog over the weekend…. so I hope that everyone enjoys the Superbowl festivities this weekend!!!  I’m especially looking forward to this weekend as I’m finally feeling a bit better …. I promise as time passes, I will come out stronger and I will find myself….  ❤

The joys of chemo….   Besides some of the usual side effects… hair loss, etc…. yayyyyyy meeee!!!!

1. Nausea… but not just any nausea – Mucositis –  painful inflammation and ulceration of the mucous membranes lining the digestive tract, usually as an adverse effect of chemotherapyand radiotherapy treatment for cancer. I am so glad I mentioned this in one of the groups… My doctor said I need to take Prilosec…

2. Constipation & Hemorrhoids – no explanation necessary – stool softeners, herbs… it’s ridiculous….

3. You lose your nose hairs…. so your snot just randomly falls out

4. Pain… from Nuelasta, it’s random… last time I thought I had a kidney infection… back pain, leg pain… just pain in general… it’s joyous!

5. Chemo Brain… stopping mid sentence when having a perfectly normal conversation and saying… “what was I saying again?” Walking into a room and not being able to remember why you went in there…. asking someone a question 5 times because you forgot you talked about it…

6. Balance… getting up and feeling like you are drunk because you need to catch your footing…

7. Fatigue… I require a lot of sleep…

8. Freezing ALL The time – If you come to my house, you will find me bundled, 2 shirts, 2 socks, hat and I will be under a blanket by the fireplace… This is probably partially due to the weight loss… but, it’s lovely… it’s part of the reason I cannot wait for warm weather! I’ve heard that it doesn’t get better even in summer, I’ll still be wrapped in a blanket

9. Chemo Rash… Day 10 after chemo….

10. Puffy Eyes Watery Eyes… Day 14 after chemo and lasts till next cycle…. repeat…

BUT!!!!! In all of this… I have not lost my eyelashes or eyebrows yet!!!!! Yay! LOL I will rejoice in the little things….

It’s hard to believe January is almost over… but in a way I’m sooo happy that it is! Time is clipping right along… although many of my days feel the same… wake up… lounge… sleep… repeat…. I’m so happy that time is moving right along.  I don’t think there is another time when I’ve been so anxious for warm, spring weather! Today, we’re cooped up in the house because of our “winter blizzard”…. and it just has this chill and I stay freezing, so…. I seriously cannot wait for the warm weather to come!!  March 26th will be my last chemo…. and then I’ll have surgery in May…. I’m just so incredibly anxious to put cancer behind me…. to literally forget about cancer, how it’s affected my life…. and move right along with life. I cannot wait to have cancer behind me…. I cannot wait to find my new career path, to have a new focus…. and literally forget that cancer ever existed in my life.

Today we had an offer from one of our clients…. they are going to allow us to use their beach house in Myrtle Beach this summer. I cannot even tell you how exciting it is that we’ll have this opportunity…. We are beyond blessed… and the amazing offers we have received…. Thank you to the Lindsay family for this amazing offer!!!

I’m still struggling with nausea, it’s been really, really tough this round….. but, this time no major body aches….. so we’ll take what we can get! 🙂 

I hope everyone stays nice and toasty warm….

I’m so excited… because after 2 months my stitches from my port have FINALLY fallen out! I thought I would look like Frankenstein forever! It’s the little things…

This round of chemo has brought intense nausea… but this morning I seem to be feeling a bit better…. thankfully! It’s strange how each time certain symptoms seem more prominent than others and the next time it will be different….

I’ve been trying to focus on what I have to look forward to coming up… after my best friend left on Sunday, I’ll be honest… I’ve been a little down… I’m half way through chemo, but… still a long road ahead… Praying that spring weather comes soon, so that I can maybe get outside and walk…. take Greyson to the park, etc… take some time to be a Mom… In May most likely I’ll be having my double mastectomy and I’ll be recovering from that… soon after , I’ll have to re-direct my career somehow… so I can look forward to what that might be… re-entering the workforce most likely….

I hope that maybe we can take some time as a family this summer and spend time together, I actually entered to hopefully be granted a vacation for cancer patients…. at one of the beaches in NC… that would be so amazing for our family!! 

Many people in my life have stepped forward… some I would have considered friends before…. now I most definitely consider close friends… it is so true that during times like this you find out who your friends are…. some have come and stayed and I know will never leave… some have really come forward and I never expected it…. I really look forward to cultivating those friendships and being the kind of friend in return that they have been to me….

It’s the little things… enjoy your Tuesday!

Chemo was Thursday… and it is so encouraging to know that I’m half way done with chemo… Although it’s definitely had it’s rough moments… It’s not intolerable. My nausea this time has been a lot more intense than the previous times… It started at chemo which was different, it usually doesn’t hit until that evening… and it’s not subsided… 

When I met with my doctor he felt encouraged that my tumors may be responding to chemo, so that was most definitely encouraging… I’ll be having a follow up appointment before my next chemo with my surgical oncologist… 

It was nice having my best friend Tracey there with me at chemo… she said “well this is one thing I never expected us to do together”… we both laughed. Not at this point in life, anyway…. 

It’s been so nice having her here, she was supposed to leave today, but decided to stay another day… she said she couldn’t leave yet….I have really appreciated having her here…  We will be friends for 25 years, this upcoming May…. so hard to believe. Ours is a friendship that time can pass… and you can pick up the phone and it’s as nothing has changed, even though you may not have spoken in weeks… This week, she’s watched me cry…. hugged me, picked me up, reminded me who I am, helped keep my mind clear…. and has tried to help remove my burdens… I’m so grateful for her and I’m grateful to have this extra day to spend together…

I’m so grateful for all of the close friendships in my life, especially during one of the most difficult times in my life… I’ve made some new friends… strengthened friendships that were cultivating….I’m so incredibly grateful for these friends in my life. They have been my core throughout this… and I am so blessed for these people. I am so grateful for my NC bestie Tess… she is another constant, she lives right up the road and it’s so convenient…. when a chat is needed, she’s not far away…

Yesterday I received 2 beautiful bouquets from Carrie at The Flower Diva, plus a little breast cancer bracelet that is loaded with charms…. I was so surprised to receive them!! The timing could not have been better, Carrie and I really appreciate the gesture…. It means so much to me! Thank you…. 

Today will be a lazy day, hanging out watching movies… trying to stay warm…. while I recuperate… 

Thank you for all of you who have stood by my side and continue to read my blog…

Happy Saturday!