Finding Myself…

I think I’ve found my mid-chemo slump…. I’m finding blogging difficult, I’m finding myself feeling very cooped up and I’m feeling a bit lonely…. I keep telling myself what I have to look forward to…. my husband keeps telling me what I have to look forward to…. and I find myself down…

I have flourished for the past almost 5 years as a photographer… I never once questioned myself, I always drove myself to be better…. I see everyone in the wedding industry starting their seasons off with a bang, which is awesome!! And I’m feeling a little left behind…. I wished I could submerge myself in my photos…. and I honestly think one of the hardest things about finding out that I have cancer is losing my career…. and I know others have said, but… you never know what will happen, you might be fine…. My doctor sat and told me in front of witnesses that I will need to find a new career path. At the time, it felt like… OK, I can do that…. I can and it will be worth it…. and it will…

During this time I’ve really found out who my true friends are…. and for those people, I am so very thankful…. and those people have come to my aid, stood by my side and continue to stay by my side…. It’s so true that during times of trouble you will learn to rely on your friends…. but now I am finding myself pushing them away a bit…. as I retreat to this place within myself…. for fear I will not say the right thing or I will complain to much or I may seem like I’m dwelling too much on my cancer… I still have a long road ahead after all…. I may be half way through chemo, but I still have surger(ies) ahead… radiation… and I don’t want to seem as though I’m complaining….

I’ve had people reach out to me time and time again….. to tell me how much they enjoy my blog…. The reality of this is that it’s not easy and I will not always be up and bubbly…. I will find myself again, I will find my smile again and cry a little less…. until then…. please bare with me…. if my blogs seem a little less than sunshine…..

I’ve been doing a lot of research on my reconstruction because there are several different options out there….. I’ve been researching DIEP and TUG reconstruction and will most likely have TUG flap reconstruction where they take skin and muscle from your inner thighs because I don’t have enough stomach skin to take at this point…. and I pray, pray, pray I find a good surgeon…. because some of the outcomes I’ve seen have been less than beautiful and very Frankenstein looking…. I was curious to know the recovery time since surgery will be two different locations but I’m having a hard time finding anyone who’s had that type of surgery done…. so if anyone can recommend a site or support group, please let me know!

During the time of surgery/reconstruction I know that my doctor will have me see someone to help prepare me for the surgery and the realization of it…. especially since my reconstruction will most likely be many, many months off….. I don’t know that anyone can truly prepare themselves for it…

This will be my last blog over the weekend…. so I hope that everyone enjoys the Superbowl festivities this weekend!!!  I’m especially looking forward to this weekend as I’m finally feeling a bit better …. I promise as time passes, I will come out stronger and I will find myself….  ❤


3 thoughts on “Finding Myself…

  1. Good Morning Dawn, your words certainly resonate with a fellow cancer survivor. 🙂 I found the Buddy Kemp Cancer Support Center to be an extraordinary resource for information and support both online and when I attended the cancer survivors support group. These women are SO informative and know exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through and will go through. Plus, there are FREE classes (with free wigs) to help you with make-up, etc. so that you ‘feel good and look great’! Here’s their physical address, phone number and blogspot address:
    Buddy Kemp Cancer Support Center
    242 Colonial Avenue

    I believe the Director’s name is Lorraine….she’s awesome if you’d like to find out when the support group meets. If you decide to attend, let me know. I would be DELIGHTED to go with you.

    Sending love, hugs and positive thoughts your way.
    Phyllis Davis

  2. Hi Dawn,
    I really don’t even know where to begin, but I’d like to say I’m sorry and I wish I could hug you right now. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to say or not. I’m hardly on FB anymore, life is just too busy but I was glancing through tonight and I saw your newest profile picture and I thought to myself, “gosh she’s beautiful. I wonder why she did that, or who did she do that for” – and I only thought that because last month my mom shaved her head in honor of a little child with cancer in her small town. I peeked at your page and soon realized what has been going on in your life. I know we’re not “in real life” friends and we’ve only known each other via FB – but I truly believe so much of our support can come from those we don’t know in real life. I have sat here tonight for the past hour or so reading each and every single one of these posts, with tissues in hand. I am so sorry you are going through this, I can not imagine how hard it must be physically or emotionally for you and your husband and loved ones. But you are amazing and beautiful person. And I thank you for writing here to make others aware of so much. Not only the beginnings of breast cancer but the whole entire process. You will be changing so many lives by doing this. My sister has been going through mammograms and ultrasounds because of lumps, cysts (they’re not sure just yet) and it has been pretty emotional. Believe it or not, I’ve never had a mammogram and I’m almost 40. This all is really making me think. I just want to let you know that you will be in my continued prayers as will your whole family. You’ve got an awesome support system there, your hubby sounds like an amazing man and your kids also! You are such a strong and beautiful woman ((hugs))

  3. I just had the DIEP at Levine in December with left side reconstruction. Not the exact same as DIEP, but will be there if you need to talk at any time.

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