Breast Cancer Support…

I cannot tell you how many people have encouraged me to join support groups for breast cancer…. Probably 100’s by now.

I’m on a couple support groups via Facebook, I’m not actually physically part of a group. But I don’t know if I want to be…. Why?  Last week, a lady tried to commit suicide because she feels hopeless…her husband fortunately caught her and she is now hospitalized and being evaluated…  In the past day I’ve heard of 2 young mother’s who’ve died from it… way too young to die… in their 30’s.

I honestly don’t know if my heart can take it…. It’s good to have people you can relate to that are going through similar situations… or to know people who’ve survived and come out on top…. but I’ve said it before, for me…. I want to live in the denial that this disease will not take my life. I don’t know if I want to face the reality of the fact that it could kill me…. do I want to even worry about that being an option? I feel like I do not…. and cannot. I feel like I need to FOCUS ON SURVIVAL…  Is that selfish of me?? Maybe it is…

I’ve said it before…. I have this strong circle of friends who do not have cancer. I have a small group of friends who I remain in touch with who do have cancer… and we relate to each other, share our chemo war wounds… we talk about it privately between ourselves…. we laugh about chemo brain… which is a very sad reality and a definite problem while you’re on chemo…. And then I have this strong circle of friends who are healthy and committed to helping me stay positive. Doesn’t that make more sense? I know the statistics…. I’ve researched just about every aspect of this disease….

I am seriously considering doing something with what I have started here…. It’s Me Sunshine… Signed Your Boobs. I’m going to do something with this and make it very positive… after all of this is over. I want to be a source of support to those who need me… and be that person that is someone to look up to…. kicking cancer’s butt… But, while I’m going through it…. I just don’t know if I need or want to be part of a support group.

Literally just about every single day, I have someone put someone in touch with me that has cancer….. or had cancer. I ask them… what is the outcome? Anyone who knows me really well…. knows I worry. It’s bad enough that when you have cancer or have had cancer… That every little hang nail becomes this huge worry… until it’s justified… Ok, you’re fine. It’s constantly there and I’ve talked to MANY and unfortunately… that just never goes away. That’s the sad reality of having had cancer. I talked to my aunt last night. My aunt Patty had breast cancer…. it was caught early. Her re occurrence rate is 10%… Even that 10% is enough to make her worry…. That part sucks.. It’s so nice to laugh, have fun…. and forget about cancer. I seriously feel like it’s all I talk about…. all I post about…. I do. It’s my reality.

I want to focus on other things…. I want to focus on spring coming… planting some flowers….. maybe going to the beach… spending time with my family…. Enjoying my life.

I feel like cancer has given me and my husband a new perspective. I find my husband re-thinking things all the time…. He used to leave for work at 5 til 7… to beat traffic.  He came down Monday morning and said… I’m going to stay home til 7:20…. and sit in traffic, because then I get to spend more time with you…. otherwise I’m sitting at work… waiting to work… what’s the point in that?  I think my jaw dropped to the floor…. He and I are both anal about being early… when I worked a full time job, I did the same thing…

This past weekend, he needed an oil change… Usually Saturday morning… he’d be up and gone by 8am…. waiting to beat the rush for the oil change…. just in case people were lined up at the door…. ;0) He told me… I’m going to wait until you and Greyson lay down today for a nap….. so I don’t miss out on any time with you…. I think my neck spun around twice on that one…..

Then, he brought up… his car. He has a mid life crisis car ya’ll… I’m not even gonna lie. He wanted it…. we were in a position to have it… and I said, hey what the heck… and like all good things…  it’s run it’s course I guess…. He told me eventually when our situation gets better, he’d like to get a Jeep…. something we can all enjoy. I think my jaw HIT the floor on that one…. This will be a good little bit before this can happen, but…. you know, he’s re-thinking. It makes my heart smile.

And yes… baby… I’m taking notice… ❤ More than taking notice…

Cancer changes you…. when you can make it something positive….. it’s amazing. We needed amazing…. and we all need to be happy!! Every single one of us…. focus on what’s important!!!!

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Happy Monday!

I hope that all my fellow Charlotte people are not in a funk this morning… The Panthers lost…. My husband sat and sulked all afternoon and must have said 15 times last night, I can’t believe they lost….

I managed to get a great selfie yesterday! Profile photo worthy!!!! 🙂

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It was perfect timing to…. because my watery eye, runny nose, puffy eyes are back….. I took a photo last round… it looks exactly the same… The skin under my eyes have like a blistering effect…. Fortunately, I know that it goes away by the time the next round happens. So, I get a few great days…. then it’s a different problem. The joys of chemotherapy…. wait 5 minutes… a new symptom will appear!

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I don’t really have much other to say today….. so I hope that everyone has a fantastic Monday!

#KeepPounding

I’ve felt physically pretty good this weekend…

A few days ago, I was informed on the recurrence of cancer and the 30% kinda shocked me… I had no idea that the recurrence of cancer in another form would be that high. To me, that is a staggering number… It does mean that there is a 70% chance that the cancer will not come back…. I’ve mentioned my diet and it appears that an alkaline diet DURING chemo is actually really helpful in the chemo phase…. so to anyone who is battling… not only for recurrence but also for aiding your chemo… it seems to be really helpful… Here’s a helpful link…. http://www.nutriclue.com/2013/06/chemotherapy-and-alkaline-diet.html

I’ve been doing some research, which I know can not always be good… but I’ve noticed that my tumor feels a bit firmer these past couple of days and maybe even seems a bit larger? Last week it felt a bit smaller and softer…. but my cancer is hormone fed and it does not appear that my reproductive system is shutting down like it should…. which means my cancer is being continually fed. I will have a scan mid way… which is after my 3rd treatment which is coming up shortly…. so we’ll find out how the cancer is responding to chemo. . . The other thing is my lymph nodes throb a lot… which worries me a bit, since there is lymph node involvement and we know this…. it can easily spread. I researched cancer spreading on chemo…. Because there are 3 weeks between treatments…. cancer can actually grow during chemo… I did not know this, either…. Cancer is very smart…

Stress has known to be a huge contributor to cancer… so it’s VERY important that I try to have no stress in my life, if at all possible….. I’m trying very hard to maintain as little stress as possible…. I found this excerpt from an article… Evidence from experimental studies does suggest that psychological stress can affect a tumor’s ability to grow and spread. For example, some studies have shown that when mice bearing human tumors were kept confined or isolated from other mice—conditions that increase stress—their tumors were more likely to grow and spread (metastasize). In one set of experiments, tumors transplanted into the mammary fat pads of mice had much higher rates of spread to the lungs and lymph nodes if the mice were chronically stressed than if the mice were not stressed. Studies in mice and in human cancer cells grown in the laboratory have found that the stress hormone norepinephrine, part of the body’s fight-or-flight response system, may promote angiogenesis and metastasis.

Right now my stage is between a 2B and a 3A… we won’t know for sure my exact stage until they perform my surgery and see how many lymph nodes and surrounding tissue/size of the tumor, etc…. are affected… I found these links that really explain staging well….. http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-stage-2 & http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-stage-3

I’ve been thinking about things that I can look forward to when this is all over…

1. Food tasting normal again

2. Having energy

3. My coffee tasting normal, this has made me so incredibly sad

4. My hair coming back .. the color/texture may be different

5. Going to the beach

6. Stressing less and living more

7. My reconstruction… <crossing my fingers it will take>

8. Spending more time with people that mean everything to me

9. Maintaining a fit lifestyle

10. Being cancer free

Today is the Panther’s game…. and in support of the Carolina Panthers…. Keep Pounding Boys!!!! Hope all my fellow Charlotte peeps have a great day of the 3 F’s…. Family, Friends & Football! #KeepPounding

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A New Woman…

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I cannot tell you how GOOD it feels to wake up and feel pretty good!!!! Today is 8 days past chemo…. so ok, I’ll have an extra day each time of feeling like I’m crawling out of the darkest place on earth… before I see the sunshine again! I woke up thinking… hey maybe I should try my skinny jeans on… I’m literally at a weight that I don’t think I’ve ever seen, I think I skipped right over it in adolescence…. sure enough, my skinny jeans are too big!!! This isn’t really a good thing, because I still have 4 chemo’s left…. and so I’ll probably be wayy too thin… but apparently once I start Tamoxifen some of that weight should come back….. and hopefully my new lifestyle will support a newer, healthier me….

Last night, we went for a walk… Darrell said, you want to do what???? I said… let’s go for a walk… Gosh it felt so good to breathe different air that the stale air in the house… It felt so good just to be OUT of the house… Greyson enjoyed it a ton too! We went to the park and let him swing for awhile…. it was really nice.

So, although this week, I thought I was on the upswing…. I think it’s safe to say… now I’m on the upswing! I had high hopes of getting lots of work done… I did get some work done yesterday and I didn’t even take a nap! Progress! The day before… I literally slept all day long, it must be that one day before I start to feel better that is my lowest of lows…..

I always feel SO amazing when I start to feel better….

I just want to give a little shout out to my Momma… Darrell kinda takes all this stuff in stride and handles it as it comes. But, when my Mom sees me crying in pain…. and she can’t fix it, it just hurts her. Yesterday she came here and her eyes were puffy from crying…. It’s taking it’s toll on her… She said “I wished it were me… ” I’m so glad it’s NOT her….I don’t know if MY heart could take it…  I’ve said it before, I thank God above every day that it is me… and not someone I love….I love you Mom… let’s enjoy these next days before my next chemo and have some laughs and smiles….. Maybe we can do another girls day!!! Modified… without the crowds… 🙂 Mom doesn’t do internet, but she has her “smart phone” set to my blog so she can read it… 🙂 ❤

I’m a strong, determined person…. I’m aware of the risks of the cancer returning and I intend to make lifestyle changes that will be my golden ticket….. If that means never eating sugar, if that means never having a glass of wine… if that means never eating wheat….. I’m willing to do it!! I have so much to live for…. and I read over and over and over again…. and I know people who have had their cancer return… and they are living with incurable cancer….. I seriously cannot take that risk. I’m very confident with a strong positive outlook and strong, positive, healthy changes…. and a wealth of information….. that I can at least help that along!

I found this Tshirt on Pinterest….. I have to get one! Although I have no butt currently, I’m sure it will come back!!! lol

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TGIF!!!!! I am actually looking forward to this weekend!

Love you all!

Fighting Cancer

I thought my first chemo would be a great gauge for how I’d feel this time…. No Go…. I thought I’d feel better after 5 days and would be on the upswing. Not so much…. A friend reminded me yesterday, you have cancer remember? Oh yes… I forget sometimes…. I’m not weak. I’m a quick re bounder, I smile a lot…. I am a positive person most of the time… That is me. This is NOT me…. Feeling like a weak person…

As we rode to the doctor yesterday after I’d been up since 4:30am with pain in what I thought was my kidneys/back…. I apologized to my husband for being weak…. he explained I don’t need to apologize. This is not a cold, this is not something that you can gauge how your body will react…. this is chemo, a poison given to your body to kill cancer… but in the midst of it, it kills everything else too…. My doctor told me that he felt that my symptoms were part of the chemo or the Neulasta I’ve been given to expand white blood cells… I did not believe him… Test my urine anyway, I feel like I have pain into my kidneys…. He said, no you’re 1 in 4 people who experiences this deep set internal pain…. unfortunately… in his exact words…. “The regimen of chemo you are on, is very hard… it’s very hard and it’s going to continue to build in your system and get harder each time”…. GREAT!

Today is one week past chemo… and I literally feel so weak. I’m faint when I stand…. My taste buds are completely fried…. The nausea has subsided some…. but nothing tastes good… I’ve been eating some ice cream because it’s the only thing that actually tastes like it should. I found a list of symptoms that are caused from chemo…. What doesn’t chemo affect?? Literally… just about nothing is untouched in your body from chemo…. http://cancer.stanford.edu/information/cancerTreatment/methods/managing_effects/organs.html

I’m trying so hard to be positive and upbeat and just mind over matter….unfortunately, it seems my body has a different agenda…. I’m trying… and hopefully the symptoms will subside a bit…. they did the last time…. but there again, as it builds in my system… it appears that there is nothing you can really gauge…

I never expected chemo to be a cake walk….. but after last time, I was hopeful… Ok 5 bad days… and then I felt so amazingly good…. I was ready and raring to go….

1 week later after this past round, I’m sitting laying on a heating pad to ease the pain in my back and rotating ibuprofen 800mg every 4 hours and taking 1000mg of tylenol in between….

I wanted so badly to just get back into work…. yesterday, I literally slept alllll dayyyyy long. And, I slept through the night…. It doesn’t help that I’m completely house bound, everyone around me is sick… so no visitors…. and no change of scenery…. Oh how I wished it were summer and I could be sitting on a beach chair…. and relax that way….. seriously, I think I’d give a kidney…. to have cancer like the movies… where there’s a beach chair sitting on the horizon… and Mom’s just out there…. relaxing…. Ahhh, that sounds amazing.

My doctor asked me yesterday about my tumor… it’s changing. It’s seems to be softening…. so at least all of this is for a purpose…. at the very least, it’s changing the composition of the tumor…. they don’t expect for it to go away, but… shrink away my boobie enemy…. shrink!

12 days till my BFF comes to town…. I cannot wait!

So for today, I will remind myself…. that I’m limited…. and I’m fighting cancer…. and that’s the best I can do for this day…. hopefully tomorrow will bring a huge boost of energy….

And… this song is too cute not to share…. check your boobies…. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1427380354158159&set=vb.1422079948021533&type=2&theater

Love & Hugs…

On The Upswing

Yesterday was a very discouraging day… I slept most of it away… It seems pretty much that day 5 is my worst day…. I’m feeling much better today! I’m going to try to get some work done today and focus on what needs to be focused on…. ❤

Today I’ll be culling through a wedding which hopefully I will complete so I can go onto edit and retouch…. and then I will attempt to create a boudoir book for one of my most favorite brides…. ❤

Some things to look forward to….

1. My BFF will be here in 14 days…. and I’ll be having a glam shoot later that day as well!

2. I’ll have a day of relaxation between her visit and chemo…. and a night of maybe dinner out… on the town!

3. My day of chemo on the 23rd… really not looking forward to that… but the fundraiser the following evening will be amazing…

It’s not always easy to smile… especially when you don’t feel well…. but all of this is part of the reality of cancer…. and although I try to be upbeat and happy *most* of the time…. I’m bound to have bad days…

Chemo is not easy…. and it seems each time it’s a little different how it hits you…. but, I’m really doing my best to take it like a champ….. and try not to dwell…. but focus on what needs to be focused on…

Thank you for hanging in there with me through it all… ❤

Thank you 🙂 My little photog Greyson took this for me…

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Losing Your Sparkle…

I’ve felt kinda down both mentally and physically these past couple days… not much different to report on that end… so figured it was best not to blog while I’ve not in the best of spirits…. Chemo is not easy for sure.

As I watch all of my industry friends begin their new year…. it makes me so happy for them, yet also so sad… because this year would have really set our business apart… and it just saddens me so deeply to feel like my career as a wedding photographer is going to be forever changed…. I must say that while I was so busy I didn’t really have the time or take the time to look at all of the talent in our industry, but there is some really amazing talent in our industry… of wedding photographers…

I’m truly happy for the successes of others, but can’t help but feel that….. I’m a little lost. I’m sitting here… day after day, not feeling the greatest…. and trying so desperately to look forward to what lies ahead…. but really not knowing what that might be, is also worrisome…. And I have so much to overcome before I can even think about it….

The responses of many of my brides have truly warmed my heart. I honestly only have maybe 2-3 brides that have expressed worry or reluctance when it comes to our choices and decisions and for that I’m sooooo honestly grateful…. I cry at most of the responses…. It’s been such a huge relief and I’m so thankful.. Former and future brides… I always really expressed the importance of relationships with them… and many of them I truly consider friends… For that I am so incredibly blessed….

I have so many people in the wedding industry who have gone above and beyond for me… for our family… but I urge everyone to consider this upcoming party/fundraiser as a way for everyone to come together and have a great time….  I realize the focus is on raising funds for our family…. but I really hope that everyone will come together as a way to take some time out of life and just enjoy…. https://itrulycare.com/events/pink-is-the-new-black-fundraiser-for-dawn-gaddy If I’ve not met you… please take the time to introduce yourself to me and my family….

When I say, I’ve lost my sparkle…. I will not stop smiling or forget my purpose is bigger than what I do for a living…. or bigger than what I hoped to be…. I will try to focus on what I have to look forward to…. But, I can’t help for a minute to feel so saddened…. I’ve gained so much….. but I’ve lost a lot too….

I have a busy year ahead… for sure, of editing and creating storybooks and being there for as many of the brides that I can…. I’m just going to cherish it…. and enjoy it so much…. Knowing, it may be the last of my career as a wedding photographer… So many other obstacles to overcome… 4 more chemotherapy sessions and surgery and radiation….

Also I wanted to ask for a few prayers for a lady that is struggling…. her cancer was in remission for 2.5 years and has metastasized and I pray for her all the time…  It’s very scary…. I’m looking at beating the cancer that I have… and to know that it’s always going to be a concern, that it could return… or I could lose my battle…. scares me… which is why I have focused on trying to eat the very best way I can to avoid my cancer from returning… and pray that it’s all taken from my body while I have the chance…. 

Jill Brzezinski-Conley – Breast Friends on Facebook

Also, please keep Katie Moore in your prayers and thoughts and if you can find some financial resources to pass along to their family, it would be most appreciated… She’s a 12 year old girl battling ovarian cancer…. I can’t even imagine being in their family’s shoes…

http://www.gofundme.com/5vc760

Thank you all for your love and support…. You truly have no idea how much it means to me and our family….

We are fed, we are provided for…. we are so blessed. Thank you…

 

 

 

4 more chemo’s…

I’ve not had much new to report this time after chemo.. I’m 4 days past…  the nausea has been relentless despite all the meds they have me on…. I’m praying it will subside after a few more days… I’m achey from the Neulasta shot… and I’m just overall pretty tired… but, I think I’m handling it pretty well… considering. My eye puffiness has gone down a lot… my eyes aren’t teary at the moment… but they did tell me the teary eyes are definitely from Taxotere… so the puffiness could’ve been from the UTI like my doctor said because it was an infection or the teary eyes… who knows, I’m just glad it’s subsided…

My husband has literally been doing everything…. I could not do it without him. Thank goodness for all the meals provided so that he doesn’t have so much to do…. but he’s holding down the fort with everything else… even if it means getting me nausea meds at 3:30am…

Last night I got a pretty stellar night’s sleep…. I slept from about 8:30-6:30 this morning…

Just planning to have a lazy day in this cold, chilly weather….

 

Things to look forward to.. Party!

I have some great news… they agreed to let my next chemo be delayed for one day… til the 23rd, so that I can hopefully attend the fundraiser all our friends are planning for us…. Exactly 21 days away!!! Eeek!!!

My friends are keeping everything very secretive, so many surprises are in store… but I do know that it’s probably a great idea to reserve your tickets.. so I’ll post the link here… for you to reserve your tickets…

https://itrulycare.com/events/pink-is-the-new-black-fundraiser-for-dawn-gaddy

On January 21, my best friend arrives… and then I’ve got another very special surprise in store…. a photog that has taken the Charlotte market by storm… has decided to do a glam shoot for me. I’m unaware of any of the details…. so it should be interesting…. but I sure hope I feel beautiful because these days…. I haven’t felt so hot lately… If anyone can make cancer look amazing, it’s this photog…

I’ll have a day to play on the 22nd with my BFF and family…. Then the 23rd, I’ll have chemo….. The 24th in the morning I’ll have to have my Neulasta shot…. and then I imagine I’ll go get glammed up for the party….. I’m beyond excited…. I pray I’m in good enough shape to enjoy myself!!! I am just so grateful I’ll have an opportunity to be there….

Yesterday, we took a few pics…. after I had been already drugged up with Benadryl… and my cocktail of choice…. 😉 Only 4 more to go….

Always freezing… lol

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I’m looking forward to not shaving…. I’m looking forward to losing all my peach fuzz on my face…. a few stray whiskers that come with being 40+…. I’m looking forward to a new set of boobs…. 1. lets pray that chemo and mastectomy clear my margins… so maybe I don’t need radiation (unlikely, but I’ll be hopeful)… 2. I’ll most likely get a tummy tuck and/or a leg lift to make enough skin for them to work….  3.Once my hair grows back… I lose my puffy….. I’m thin from my new lifestyle…. which I will NEVER stop because I will NEVER allow my body to fail me like this again….. I could very well be one smoking 41/42 year old…… 😉 This is definitely something to look forward to…. Here’s to hoping!!!

After chemo yesterday… I feel like I’ve been steam trained…. nothing new…. nausea, my legs feel like elephants…. foggy headed…. but…. I’m 1/3 complete…. and closer to my goal…. being cancer free!!! ❤

I continue to thank all of the people in my life who are loving me and supporting me through this….. I’m so incredibly loved…. it’s so amazing… Love you all!

Love is… Family & Friends…

Yesterday, I wrote about a post about love is… and there are several people that I missed…. and others I’d like to expound upon… When you go through something like this, you realize how important family & friends are…. I’ve been so blessed to have people in the wedding industry come to my aid and many of them have more flexibility…. some of my best friends in the world feel horrible because they live miles away… or they work full time and can’t be there for me like others can…. and I know that it hurts them that they can’t be there for me… Today I honestly don’t care if anyone else reads this… but the very important people I’m going to mention in this blog post….

First, I’d like to talk about my best friend… Tracey. She and I have known each other since I was 16 and she was 17… Our lives were eerily similar and have remained eerily similar throughout our friendship… It’s one of those friendships that you can not talk for weeks or months… but you can come together and it’s as if nothing has changed…. We live hundreds of miles apart, she lives in Nashville…. and we rarely get to see each other… But, when we do… it’s like we’re back to our teenage years… in that paddle boat where it all began, talking for hours…. Years ago, we used to spend hours on the phone just about every day…. Now, we’re lucky if we get 20 minutes every week…. But, it’s true love… a friendship that will be forever… I know you can’t be here in ways you wished you could… but you always come when it matters most… and I love you so much!!!

Next, I’d love to talk about my closest friend here in Charlotte… Tess. I call her my NC bestie… We both know each other has besties… and that’s ok… Our friendship is different and special, in it’s own unique way. Tess showed up on my door step 6 years ago… her son and my son had become friends… and they invited us over to their house. And we’ve been friends ever since…. Tess & Lou are the friends whenever we have a chance… we’re getting together, grilling, going out to eat…. whatever we can. Any special occasions… Tess said it best… we’re not friends, we’ve become family. When I was newly diagnosed, Tess was calling me every single morning to just chat… to come down to just give me a hug… and I completely overlooked her yesterday in my Love Is…. and I feel horrible about that… because she is truly one of those people in my life… that means so much to me… I love you so very much Tess & Lou…. and Nichole and Devin…. you all are truly family to our family…. And our life’s events would not be the same without you all…. Throughout the past years… we’ve all been so busy, we haven’t has as much time to do things like we’d like to… but I’m positive all of that will change… and this next year is going to be amazing for us all!

Honestly, I’ve kept my friends very near and dear…. I don’t let a lot of people in, but when I do… it’s extremely close and literally we can talk about anything. And, I mean anything…. and those bonds are kept so close… I’ve been blessed to have these friends in my life…. and throughout this process… and make new ones…. and I can say that I’ve got a few more friends that I can add to that “close friends” list…. and for that, I’m forever grateful….

The next friend in my life I’d like to talk about is my Mom… Not many people are honored to consider their mothers a best friend…. but I am. My Mom and I are VERY close… and over these past years while we’ve been so busy, I’ve neglected all of these relationships…. including the relationship with my Mom… even though, she’s been nothing short of everything to our family…. She’s watched Greyson for nearly every single wedding we’ve photographed… and she’s picked him up daily…. and taken Greyson to her house so that I could work…. She never asks or expects a thing, she only gives and gives and gives….. I pray that I become half of the amazing woman she is…. she doesn’t get any credit for what type of person she is…. Truly, she is selfless, honest, trustworthy, funny… amazing. The day I lose her will be a day that I become forever changed…. and I dread that day…. Fortunately, my family tends to have longevity and I pray that day is many, many years away….. I became best friends with my Mom at a time when most kids stray from their parents…. I was about 14 when my Mom and I clung to each other…. and we did everything together… whenever possible…. When my first boys were born… she was no different to them… an AMAZING Grandmother… really a second mother to all of my children…. They are so blessed to have her…. We are all so amazingly fortunate to have my Mom in our lives…. Mom, you are a saint…. truly a saint…. I love you with everything I am….

The next person I’d like to talk about for a minute is my Dad…. I was my Dad’s little girl…. my fondest memories are of my childhood and hanging out with my parents, since I was the last child at home… I went almost everywhere with my parents…. My Dad has always been extremely proud of me in an unspoken way…. I just knew.  My childhood memories are of family and friends, sing a longs… visits with other family and friends…. I love my Daddy so much…. and although he’s a very tough, strong man…. I know that this is hurting him to watch me go through this…. I know it bothers him and I know he is the type of man who fixes…. and wants to protect and provide…. and he is helpless. And it’s scary…. Again, all of this is unspoken…. I just know. I know him. As a child…. my Dad used to put me on his knee…. and sing me this song…. “A tiny turned up nose… two cheeks, just like a rose…. 2 eyes that always glow… That little girl of mine….. She means the world to me….. She climbs upon my knee…. Yes, she will always be…. That little girl of mine”….  Yes, I will…. I love you Daddy…

I could go on and on…. I need to focus on my sons… I need to focus on so many more people….. that mean so much to me…but, I don’t want to bore…. and it seems someone is always left out….. but I will stop here for today…. I’ve cried enough tears….

I am so amazingly loved by so many people…. and I am so grateful for you all who are “loving me through this”…..