I cannot tell you how many people have encouraged me to join support groups for breast cancer…. Probably 100’s by now.

I’m on a couple support groups via Facebook, I’m not actually physically part of a group. But I don’t know if I want to be…. Why?  Last week, a lady tried to commit suicide because she feels hopeless…her husband fortunately caught her and she is now hospitalized and being evaluated…  In the past day I’ve heard of 2 young mother’s who’ve died from it… way too young to die… in their 30’s.

I honestly don’t know if my heart can take it…. It’s good to have people you can relate to that are going through similar situations… or to know people who’ve survived and come out on top…. but I’ve said it before, for me…. I want to live in the denial that this disease will not take my life. I don’t know if I want to face the reality of the fact that it could kill me…. do I want to even worry about that being an option? I feel like I do not…. and cannot. I feel like I need to FOCUS ON SURVIVAL…  Is that selfish of me?? Maybe it is…

I’ve said it before…. I have this strong circle of friends who do not have cancer. I have a small group of friends who I remain in touch with who do have cancer… and we relate to each other, share our chemo war wounds… we talk about it privately between ourselves…. we laugh about chemo brain… which is a very sad reality and a definite problem while you’re on chemo…. And then I have this strong circle of friends who are healthy and committed to helping me stay positive. Doesn’t that make more sense? I know the statistics…. I’ve researched just about every aspect of this disease….

I am seriously considering doing something with what I have started here…. It’s Me Sunshine… Signed Your Boobs. I’m going to do something with this and make it very positive… after all of this is over. I want to be a source of support to those who need me… and be that person that is someone to look up to…. kicking cancer’s butt… But, while I’m going through it…. I just don’t know if I need or want to be part of a support group.

Literally just about every single day, I have someone put someone in touch with me that has cancer….. or had cancer. I ask them… what is the outcome? Anyone who knows me really well…. knows I worry. It’s bad enough that when you have cancer or have had cancer… That every little hang nail becomes this huge worry… until it’s justified… Ok, you’re fine. It’s constantly there and I’ve talked to MANY and unfortunately… that just never goes away. That’s the sad reality of having had cancer. I talked to my aunt last night. My aunt Patty had breast cancer…. it was caught early. Her re occurrence rate is 10%… Even that 10% is enough to make her worry…. That part sucks.. It’s so nice to laugh, have fun…. and forget about cancer. I seriously feel like it’s all I talk about…. all I post about…. I do. It’s my reality.

I want to focus on other things…. I want to focus on spring coming… planting some flowers….. maybe going to the beach… spending time with my family…. Enjoying my life.

I feel like cancer has given me and my husband a new perspective. I find my husband re-thinking things all the time…. He used to leave for work at 5 til 7… to beat traffic.  He came down Monday morning and said… I’m going to stay home til 7:20…. and sit in traffic, because then I get to spend more time with you…. otherwise I’m sitting at work… waiting to work… what’s the point in that?  I think my jaw dropped to the floor…. He and I are both anal about being early… when I worked a full time job, I did the same thing…

This past weekend, he needed an oil change… Usually Saturday morning… he’d be up and gone by 8am…. waiting to beat the rush for the oil change…. just in case people were lined up at the door…. ;0) He told me… I’m going to wait until you and Greyson lay down today for a nap….. so I don’t miss out on any time with you…. I think my neck spun around twice on that one…..

Then, he brought up… his car. He has a mid life crisis car ya’ll… I’m not even gonna lie. He wanted it…. we were in a position to have it… and I said, hey what the heck… and like all good things…  it’s run it’s course I guess…. He told me eventually when our situation gets better, he’d like to get a Jeep…. something we can all enjoy. I think my jaw HIT the floor on that one…. This will be a good little bit before this can happen, but…. you know, he’s re-thinking. It makes my heart smile.

And yes… baby… I’m taking notice… ❤ More than taking notice…

Cancer changes you…. when you can make it something positive….. it’s amazing. We needed amazing…. and we all need to be happy!! Every single one of us…. focus on what’s important!!!!