Pink has always been a favorite color of mine…..Despite the fact that the color pink defines breast cancer…. I choose to look past that and I KNOW pink will forever be a part of my life… it’s just so beautiful! I’ve been pinteresting…. is that a word? I think it is now…. ❤

These are the pink things I’m thinking of today…. Pink Peonies… spring is coming! Pink Roses…. Gabriella’s Pink Cherry Blossom Tree….. I can’t wait to start sprucing up our yard…. and walking around the neighborhood… and I honestly just can’t wait to feel normal again…. I’m so looking forward to all the things that lie ahead….. I’m grateful all of the major parts of my breast cancer will be behind me by summer…. I want to firm up this newly skinny body of mine…. and just soak up life’s moments….. we will have a beach trip planned… courtesy of some of our past wedding clients….. I just want to live…. and literally enjoy every thing. I want to redecorate my home, garage sale…. I want to spend time with my family and have silly moments…. and hopefully spend a lot more time with friends….

Speaking of pink…. my beautiful daughter turns 18 today, she’s also a lover of pink! It’s a mutual likeness we have…. I never had my own daughter, so when my boyfriend at the time (now my hubby) told me he had a daughter… I was a bit worried, how would we get along? Not one bat of an eyelash… we get along amazing – I hate to even refer to her as my step daughter… to me, she is just simply my daughter. She wanted the best for her Daddy and I quite like to think I am what’s best for him…. and she has changed my world forever! I love doing girlie girl things with her.. it’s so nice to have her around…  Brianna… I love you!

I’m just recuperating from this last round of chemo but wanted to talk a little how I love Pink… ❤

As I’m going to sip my coffee and I take a taste and just sit there and wish it would taste the same!!!  In the meanwhile my dog is sitting next to me… and I can’t stand the smell of him, it was wet outside… wet dog smell is the worst… I think he thinks I don’t love him anymore… I think everyone in my house with breath thinks I don’t love them anymore….When you lose your nose hairs… your sense of smell is amplified by 100X… Everything stinks.. my perfume, the smell of meat cooking, all foods cooking… onion breath…. any type of Italian breath…. I think it’s the worst… God love my family, but let’s pray these next 2 chemo cycles go quickly….  Kisses are real quick these days….

And taste…. well, I’ve touched on this before… besides the taste of medicines, your mouth tastes like you’ve sucked on a bunch of pennies…. all the time. I think maybe like 4-5 days before it’s time to start again… it might get a little better. All the things I love…. taste different. I still try to drink my coffee…. and remember how it used to taste… it just doesn’t taste the same. Some coffees taste like they should… Starbucks for instance? Why? I’m sure it’s just because it’s harder to get my hands on… lol So my diet… is pretty bland. Rice…. potatoes, baked, hash browns, mashed… potatoes in every variety…. eggs taste normal…. toast tastes normal…. I’m avoiding gluten so this reduces my options a lot. Watermelon tastes pretty good… but they are hard to get a hold of this time of year…. Peaches sound delicious too… I had chemo in the wrong season….

This photo I took from google, it has the link attached for credit… but it pretty much sums up my taste and smell….

Yesterday I went and had my Neulasta shot…. the winter storm was over, but the roads were pretty glazy in places… so my parents came and picked me up, took me to get something to eat… and then we went to their house for the afternoon… it was a nice change of scenery. I napped and I reminisced over photos for a good while… it was nice to look back at the photos of my older boys… and remember times with my family, my Mom’s family, my Dad’s family… I really enjoyed it.  The purpose of my blog is to inform of the reality of chemo, the ups and downs…. etc. This go around… my nausea is ridiculous…. I have to get up in the night to keep my meds in me…. I alternate between Zofran and Lorazepam, I think I will ask next time for Phenergan…these two aren’t cutting it…. I try to eat what I can…. and I’m really trying to stay hydrated…

And I remind myself… 2 more…. 2 more!!!!

I know this last chemo is one that will not be forgotten… it was one of the largest storms we’ve seen in 10 years here in the south…We’ve been all tucked in… I thought they might cancel my chemo, but they didn’t…there were very few people there, but I was so grateful they didn’t cancel my chemo. I did not want to put it off… I just wanted to get it over with… At this point, I just can’t wait to be done….. By the time I left chemo.. it took Darrell and hour to get me… and for us to get home. I came home and crawled into bed…

I had a consultation with my surgical oncologist and my surgery will be in April… I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel and I just can’t wait for this whole process to be over… well it won’t be over for a good long time, but… just to have chemo behind me. I know the surgery will be painful… but I have a pretty high tolerance for pain…

My chemo’s have been accumulating… the side effects are getting worse each time. I feel really, really lousy…. today I napped for 4 hours. My nausea is really hard…. I’ve been trying to eat little bits and drink a lot of water….

My doctor’s are happy with my progress with chemo…. the tumor seems to be responding real well….

2 more to go…..

Today was a bit of a sad, reflective day…. 5 years ago today, we found out that we’d lost our Gabriella at my 4D ultrasound… we turned right around and went back to the doctor and she was delivered on the 14th…. I decided to write about it today… I don’t want to bring down anyone’s tomorrow…. We think of her all the time… and we have a cherry blossom tree planted in her honor…. after all this snow, we should see some blossoms…. Thinking of you always Gabriella Christine Ann Gaddy….

It was in the 60’s yesterday and they are calling for snow Tuesday and Wednesday…. Tuesday I’m supposed to go see my surgical oncologist and Wednesday I have chemo…  I’ll be calling here in a few minutes to find out what will become of these appointments….. I wished I could just skippit…. chemo that is! Doubtful…. I just called and they said I have to call the day of… Grrrr…  The stores and shelves in the stores will be empty…. February storms seem to be the worst here in NC! The refreezes keep the kids home and the roads empty! Well… if they are smart, because there are no snow plows here…. or salt or sand…. well maybe the main thoroughfares… but that’s it. The back roads are brutal. I lived in Wisconsin for 32 years… it’s quite interesting when the state goes into panic mode and the news stations have nothing to report… but news of snow….

I would love to talk about feelings for a minute… When you are first diagnosed with cancer…. everyone you know rallies by your side, they are shocked, they are your cheerleaders, they want to see you well, they want to help…. When I was first diagnosed, I was sure, I was confident, I was exuberant with hope…. Cancer doesn’t feel real, you feel well….. I was still strong.

Time goes by…. you have your first chemo…. this starts to feel real. You realize chemo is not a joke. It’s extremely hard on your body…. you get lots of visitors,offers of help and support like you will not believe, you are still strong and hopeful…. then you start to lose your hair… somewhere around the 2nd week after the first chem0 and by the time you start again….. and it starts to feel REALLY real and then you start to look like a cancer patient…. You’re tired…. you feel physically unwell. But, you’re still hopeful.

More time goes by… a couple chemo’s in… things start to hurt that you never imagined could hurt. The news of the cancer wears off and you find there is less support… you start to feel a bit lonely…. you are now very bald, you feel very unattractive (unless you have energy to put makeup on – because believe me you NEED it)…. you look wrinkly and dry (I have lines on my face, I’m sure will need help after all this)… you look sick, people look upon you with pity… especially in public and even those in your own family. But… you find your smiles where you can…. those that text you to see if you’re doing well, the notes of hope on your Facebook wall, the meals that are delivered and the ones who remain by your side…. Your real friends and people who know what cancer & chemo does and genuinely want to help. You will find out who your real friends are and the fake ones will wayside…. the real ones have longevity. You are no longer strong… you wonder how you’ll make it through the rest…. You’ll have good days and really bad days… you just soak up the good days and take the bad as they come… You find strength deep inside you to keep going! Staying positive is harder…

And, that is where I am at this point in time….

I do find joy in the smallest of things…. and this little thing is one of the biggest reasons I find joy….I thank God I have him every day… he keeps me going, he keeps me moving…. and he makes me smile.

Just Cysts…. These words ring back in my ears….  last April I was told the lumps I felt were “just cysts” and come back in a year…  Since I’ve been diagnosed… I’ve met several other women who were told that they had fibrous cysts or simple cysts…. and it turned out they ARE cancerous! I only wish I could go back in time and urge them to look into those cysts a little bit more…. In 7 months time, I had a tumor that presented itself…. but it did NOT show up on mammogram.. It could be felt and honestly it caused my breast to cave in, basically… from the nipple to the armpit… Had I been diagnosed earlier… maybe I could have avoided chemo altogether!

In my case – I was told I was healthy and those were EXACTLY the words I wanted to hear and honestly… I stopped checking my breasts!!! I figured they were just cysts… no big deal! I didn’t pay my breasts any attention from April – November when I happened to look in the mirror…. I’ve been asked repeatedly… how could you not tell? I guess the changes were gradual…. and unless I was looking in a mirror… from my view looking down it was not noticeable.

MRI is what ultimately diagnosed me… AND found some spots in my right breast…. On ultrasound, it appeared…. I have “cysts” in my right breast…. When the doctor went to biopsy my right breast, she told me she felt it was “just a cyst” and would aspirate upon the needle being inserted…. IT DID NOT.

I pray…. in our day and age with all the garbage we ingest and the processed foods we eat, the alcohol we drink….. maybe cysts aren’t just cysts anymore? I don’t think it’s coincidental that several people I’ve met now who’ve been told that their spots in their breast are “cysts”…. turned out to be cancerous….

I have a previous post… “Stick a Needle In It”…. seriously, if ever in question….. URGE them to stick a needle in it! It really isn’t all that painful as you might think… it’s tolerable.

In my case…. had my breasts been D’s… and I had more breast tissue, it’s ENTIRELY possible… that this time it would have been missed as well because my breast may not have shown any signs on the outside…  Mammogram November and Mammogram April looked identical side by side. My doctor said ONLY because of the way my breast was presenting…. did they really look further. And…. had they waited…. another year – I would probably be incurable with the cancer having spread to other areas of my body…. That’s incredibly scary!!! I’m so thankful this one time in my life that my breasts had the life sucked out of them…. and weren’t incredibly large.

On another note… I’d really like to thank Monica Reid and her husband from Monica Reid Photography for photographing our February 8th wedding… We are so incredibly thankful for you… and offering your services was incredibly generous and we are extremely thankful… My bride loved your work and it was a phenomenal fit for you both… I cannot wait to see the outcome of the photos!!!

For the past several days I’ve had some deep pain in my ribs…. which I’m hoping is from my Neulasta shot… but I go to see my surgical oncologist on Tuesday and I may ask for some additional tests… if it doesn’t stop…

I find music… therapy. I love all kinds of music…. and sometimes I’ll just sit and listen to Pandora… I share this in common with my family members. I love to sing…  I love to dance… I love to laugh…. and I need to do more of ALL these things!!!

One good thing about this week, it really went fast and guess what it’s the WEEKEND again!!! 🙂 Hopefully we’ll see some sunshine….

My husband sent me this blog post from another blog…. and I’d really love to share it…. So many of these I really need to apply in my life…

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/02/05/25-things-you-need-to-stop-wasting-time-on/

And for fun…

My aunt posted this… this is perfect… If you see me dancing in Indian Trail…. you’ll know why! Love this Grannie!

I guess I posted about my amazing weekend and the bottom fell out… this week has been pretty awful. It started with hearing some really not so nice things, actually incredulous things being said from SEVERAL people who I highly trust, coming from people who were involved in my fundraiser…. which…. REALLY upsets me. I’ve taken the high road and have opted not to say anything…. I really don’t understand why these things would be said about me? I know exactly where they are coming from, because there was one particular topic that ONLY one person knew about. Weren’t these people supposed to be helping me????  Why try to hurt me now?? I have cancer… really??? Why not just walk away….. why? I guess this means I’ve played my cancer card again…. Seriously, please stop… allow me to fight this disease in PEACE. I pray no one believes it…. and remember, there are ALWAYS two sides. I just haven’t vocalized mine….

I’m fighting for my life right now…. this isn’t the flu. It’s cancer…. I’m stage 3, according to my oncologist. 1 stage away from being incurable. Let’s not make this deadly by causing me more stress…. please. All of this is taking a toll on my health and my family life…. I’d really love to be here for my family, friends…. and children.

So, I wrote about my raw tongue yesterday…. it’s like when you have a swollen tastebud but it’s all over your tongue…. yes, it’s lovely. So… I’m at the point where I get the puffy, watery eyes…. My son took a photo last night with me and I’m so glad he did… because it literally…  comes on overnight. I look like a chemo patient…. Well, this morning, I woke up with a super swollen Uvula…. It’s been super dry at night, I wake up every morning all dry…. and parched, so I have my water by the bed…. I went to look in the mirror and I’m like… holy smokes! I showed Darrell… he’s like yep, it’s really swollen….. So I have a call into my doctor. I wrote about it on my message boards… they said it indicates a reaction to something. Well it’s 13 days past chemo…. I just find that so odd!? I guess apparently it’s normal for the reactions to keep coming because I’m on this cycle and it’s literally like clockwork…. Waiting on a call from my doctor…. This is the picture of me and my son Preston… ❤

So the doctor called and said they are calling in some Magic Mouthwash… it is probably thrush she said from the Red Devil chemo…. and it has benedryl and licocaine and something in it for the thrush…

So, I ventured out to Trader Joes… they did have the Coconut Sugar!! And everything I needed to make the recipe on The Coconut Mama’s Facebook Page… I did not put the cream cheese topping on it…. I like cream cheese, but I’m not a huge fan…. they are delicious… very chocolately! I could not imagine that they’d actually have the consistency of brownies because there is no flour to speak of….

So this was the recipe I posted this morning…

STEP 1
Brownie Layer Ingredients
4 eggs
1 cup unsweetened Cocoa Powder
1 cup Coconut Sugar
6 Tablespoons Coconut Oil, Melted
4 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
Pinch of Salt

Pre heat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix dry ingredients together. Add eggs one at a time until combined. Then Add the melted coconut oil and vanilla extract. Mix well and pour into a greased 8×8 inch pan. Bake brownies for 15-20 minutes or until a tooth pick inserted into the middle of the brownies comes out clean.

TEP 2
Cheesecake Layer Ingredients
8 Ounces Cream Cheese, Room Temperature
1/3 Cup Cream
1/3 Cup Sour Cream
1/3 Cup Plus 2 Tablespoons Coconut Sugar
1/2 Tablespoon Vanilla
2 Eggs, Room Temperature

Beat all the ingredients together until smooth. It is important that the cream cheese is room temp or it will chunk up. You can use a stick blender to smooth out the mixture if your cream cheese isn’t soft enough. Pour cheesecake mix over baked and slightly cooled brownie layer. Return to the oven and bake 25-30 minutes, or until the cheesecake layer is lightly brown. Allow to cool for several hours before serving. Cut into squares and serve.

Find Ingredients Here:
Unsweetened Cocoa Powder – http://amzn.to/1eIytrd
Coconut Sugar – http://amzn.to/18uTxBF
Coconut Oil – http://amzn.to/15F6LYw
(amazon affiliate links)

Here’s the original link…

Here’s how mine turned out…. I haven’t had hardly any sugar since I was diagnosed…. so these really taste delicious to me!!!

I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long while…. I have come out of my chemo slump and when I do it’s like exhilarating….. you go from feeling SO incredibly lousy to feeling better and that just feels so unbelievably amazing…. I tire easy, I don’t have the stamina I once had…. but I keep on because I just feel so much better! Right now I’m struggling with a sore mouth…. they said mouth sores might be a side effect… I’ve had some small sores, but right now…. my mouth and tongue is just so incredibly sore, it is affecting the taste of everything… I have to be super careful what I eat.. many fruits, dressings, etc… are so acidic that they just sting…. BUT, my nausea is a lot better….. so it’s a trade off!

Friday night was a fantastic day/night….. a friend invited us to pizza… and so we went and had an amazing time…. talking and catching up…. Saturday my Mom and I took a shopping trip to Goodwill…. lots of great scores! Saturday afternoon I was alone and watched a movie by myself…. it was great! Saturday night we were invited with some friends…. to another friends house and they had the nicest gathering to support me during this journey… it wasn’t really at all about me, but moreso about gathering people together and it was such a nice time…. we came home and watched the UFC fight…. My Mom kept Greyson overnight, so Darrell and I were able to stay up late watching TV and sleep in Sunday…. Sunday’s weather was just absolutely gorgeous and I spent as much of it outside as I possibly could…. I played chalk with Greyson on the back patio…. we went to the park… skipped naptime  and then we had a few friends over for the Superbowl….. It was just a lot of quality time spent…. a lot of chatting between Darrell and I…. talk of future plans, talk of our admiration of Greyson….. and our kids. We are very blessed….

I’ve talked about how cancer changes you…. it really changes your perspective and how you look at the smallest of things….. While I was sitting outside… I leaned back in the chair and the chair was at the perfect height to rub the back of your head… and I was like OMG… this feels so amazing… and my friend Tess said… “it’s the little things”…. it really is! lol As silly as that sounds…..  I find myself looking at things with so much more perspective…. and really soaking in the moments that we have….  I can see the changes in my husband too…. and how he’s viewing this… he’s being more expressive with me…. and it’s absolutely awesome.

Life is so short…. at any moment you can get bad news…. life can be taken from you…. and it truly is a gift and why shouldn’t we enjoy it?? I’ve expressed how much I’d love to move to the beach… it’s not realistic for us at any near point in our future… but it’s definitely on my living bucket list…. I want to live at the beach at some point…. and hopefully at some point, it will happen…. when all the cards come together…. 🙂

Another thing I was thinking about…. 2 years ago…. I got a life insurance policy…. I had no health insurance, but life insurance… hey, why not? lol I wanted to make sure my family was covered in case…. At the time, I honestly never thought anything would happen to me…. I was still young and wanted to get a policy while it was affordable, basically….. I am SO glad I did now!!! Now, I doubt any insurance company would cover me for anything affordable!! Also, I never realized…. they have cancer insurance! If you get cancer, they’ll pay you a lump sum of money…. like $5o,000….. boy would that be helpful at this point! But, I had no idea it existed… I guess because I have cancer now… I get mailings…. Something to consider… with breast cancer being a 1 in 8…. I think it’s something I’d consider doing! Unfortunately, no one would touch me at this point…..

Mom and I are going to go to Trader Joes today…. A recipe was posted yesterday for Gluten Free brownies and they look to die for….. It was on “The Coconut Mama” ‘s page on Facebook.. Here is the link…. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=788533694493665&set=a.304404822906557.91648.284497951563911&type=1&theater

I am a sweets junkie and I have given up all sugar… I would think Coconut sugar is ok?! Everything else coconut is…. so I’m anxious to make these… and hope I can find coconut sugar! I can’t wait to try them….

Happy Monday!!! 🙂