It was in the 60’s yesterday and they are calling for snow Tuesday and Wednesday…. Tuesday I’m supposed to go see my surgical oncologist and Wednesday I have chemo… I’ll be calling here in a few minutes to find out what will become of these appointments….. I wished I could just skippit…. chemo that is! Doubtful…. I just called and they said I have to call the day of… Grrrr… The stores and shelves in the stores will be empty…. February storms seem to be the worst here in NC! The refreezes keep the kids home and the roads empty! Well… if they are smart, because there are no snow plows here…. or salt or sand…. well maybe the main thoroughfares… but that’s it. The back roads are brutal. I lived in Wisconsin for 32 years… it’s quite interesting when the state goes into panic mode and the news stations have nothing to report… but news of snow….
I would love to talk about feelings for a minute… When you are first diagnosed with cancer…. everyone you know rallies by your side, they are shocked, they are your cheerleaders, they want to see you well, they want to help…. When I was first diagnosed, I was sure, I was confident, I was exuberant with hope…. Cancer doesn’t feel real, you feel well….. I was still strong.
Time goes by…. you have your first chemo…. this starts to feel real. You realize chemo is not a joke. It’s extremely hard on your body…. you get lots of visitors,offers of help and support like you will not believe, you are still strong and hopeful…. then you start to lose your hair… somewhere around the 2nd week after the first chem0 and by the time you start again….. and it starts to feel REALLY real and then you start to look like a cancer patient…. You’re tired…. you feel physically unwell. But, you’re still hopeful.
More time goes by… a couple chemo’s in… things start to hurt that you never imagined could hurt. The news of the cancer wears off and you find there is less support… you start to feel a bit lonely…. you are now very bald, you feel very unattractive (unless you have energy to put makeup on – because believe me you NEED it)…. you look wrinkly and dry (I have lines on my face, I’m sure will need help after all this)… you look sick, people look upon you with pity… especially in public and even those in your own family. But… you find your smiles where you can…. those that text you to see if you’re doing well, the notes of hope on your Facebook wall, the meals that are delivered and the ones who remain by your side…. Your real friends and people who know what cancer & chemo does and genuinely want to help. You will find out who your real friends are and the fake ones will wayside…. the real ones have longevity. You are no longer strong… you wonder how you’ll make it through the rest…. You’ll have good days and really bad days… you just soak up the good days and take the bad as they come… You find strength deep inside you to keep going! Staying positive is harder…
And, that is where I am at this point in time….
I do find joy in the smallest of things…. and this little thing is one of the biggest reasons I find joy….I thank God I have him every day… he keeps me going, he keeps me moving…. and he makes me smile.