Since my last post, my arm and shoulder has drastically taken a turn for the worse. It’s been a big struggle because it’s severely affected my mobility, it hurts badly…. and it’s causing my lymphedema to flare up quite rapidly. Although you cannot see it in the photo, it’s now starting to affect my forearm, whereas prior to this it’s only affected my upper arm. When it’s swelling, it’s the most awkward feeling. I don’t know how to describe it other than a burning feeling. You can tell when it’s swelling. Unfortunately, I’ve been using pain medication because it’s also affecting my spinal alignment… I quite honestly hurt, a lot. It’s affecting everything.

The capsular contracture is visible, it’s squeezing the breast, it’s dramatically smaller and it’s continually contracting and pulling upward, and under my arm. It is pulling and affecting my ribs, my spinal alignment and my shoulder is now locked. I’ve been going to therapy and having chiropractic adjustments on it, which definitely are helping… but it seems to go right back by the time I’m ready to see the doctor again. It makes it difficult to dress, to hug people, to drive, put on seat belts… pull covers… pull anything really, my mobility is very limited and if I jolt it… it sends me through the roof.

I see my plastic surgeon this Friday. Quite honestly, I cannot WAIT to have my surgery. They will have to remove the capsule and the ex-pander. Last time, he discussed putting in implants. I’m honestly not sure what his game plan will be… because my concern is that due to the radiated skin… it will do the same thing. Capsular contracture is basically an immune system response, trying to expel the foreign object. An implant will be no different, in my opinion. I’ve gained some weight because of the medication that I am taking for my continued therapy, but I’ve been walking and doing elliptical, so although I weight slightly more, I still don’t have much fat. I’ll have to update regarding what he would like to do for my surgery.

Here is a photo that will help to explain what’s been going on… I honestly haven’t really focused on it that much. I try to wear my compression sleeve as much as possible… but I don’t know that anything will honestly prevent the swelling, because my shoulder is locked and until I have movement, they can’t really help to drain the lymphatic fluid.

I’m alive and I’m well, so it’s just another thing to deal with ❤ It’s a very good thing, I’m not photographing regularly because I don’t think I could manage it.

I’m now working at Ashley Homestore in Pineville and doing amazingly well… I can’t remember if I updated about my change of employment, but Champagne Manor no longer felt my services were necessary. So, I was forced to look elsewhere. I’m loving my co-workers and doing very well!!!

Onto the photos!

I haven’t posted in awhile… so much going on! Where do I begin…. Well, both my boys moved out… and so we decided it’s time to downsize… We started getting the house ready to sell. We sold it very quickly… and we found a little ranch that we’re moving into. Just perfect for G, Darrell and I…

We’re simplifying on every level… weeding out and filling our lives with what really matters.

I am no longer working with Champagne Manor… They decided that it wasn’t working out… I was very upset and sad. I felt very used. I did everything to get their business going and it was going very well…. I took this as my queue. My queue to be done with the wedding industry. I’m tired of the drama, I’m tired of being used… I’m tired of the industry. I will desperately miss working with brides… I truly loved that part of what I did….

I quickly got a job…. ironically, a Mother of the bride… was the GM of a job I applied for…. She’d met me weeks earlier. She was so impressed with me and my cover letter that she told their recruiter to hire me on the spot. I almost passed the job by, I wasn’t sure if I was up for furniture sales… but, they wrote me back and urged me to come in… They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and I start today…

Things don’t just happen for no good reason. Things happen because it’s what’s best for you…. even though it doesn’t feel that way at the time… I think honestly when I decided to stay in the industry it probably wasn’t good for my health. Everything is a reminder…. and this is a chapter of a book that needs to close. There were some very great moments, but also some very hurtful moments with people in this industry. This time of year is a big reminder and I think it’s truly the best thing for me to move on…. and move forward…… and no looking back!

I went through and cleaned my Facebook page. Many people honestly did nothing to warrant me deleting them. I just don’t want to be reminded. I kept probably 2 handfuls of industry related people that I truly feel are worth being reminded for…. I am so thankful to my cancer for a very select few of amazing friends that I met and relationships were strengthened during my ordeal….. and then of course my close and personal friends…. who are there for me regardless. I’m so thankful for them…

We move in 12 days…. we’ve simplified everything. Closets, cabinets, furniture…. scaled everything way back other than what’s absolutely necessary. We packed everything away other than a couple pots, knives… etc. It’s amazing what you can live without.

It’s been 1 year in 2 days since I started chemo. This time of year is eery and reminiscent of that time of year. I’m SO grateful to be past it…

A few updates on my health…. I have lock shoulder in my radiated shoulder…. I will be starting physical therapy soon. I have horrible range of motion, I can’t lift it past a certain point. It’s painful…. It’s a good thing we opted to give up the photography business. We have 2 weddings next year. I should get through them just fine…. but, to do it all the time would be difficult. The lymphedema is not horrid, but it’s definitely there. And it throbs at times… and doesn’t feel great, but unless you know what you’re looking for.. it’s not noticeable.

I start a new chemo drug for post menopausal women. It’s not Armidex, it’s another one… and I can’t remember the name…

I think I’ve adapted to the new me…. the post menopausal me… Hot flashes don’t really overcome me unless I have something hot to drink. I’m usually cold. My oncologist wants me to wait closer to the 1 year point from my blood clot before they allow me to have my surgery. So, it looks like… spring of this year before I can have my exchange surgery…. My capsular contracture on my breasts is soooo ridiculous. It’s so tight and it’s pulling into my back tissue…. I can’t wait to have these out. My doctor wants to try for implants and not take the fat from my butt for the time being… There is a 50% chance of rejection. But, he wants to take that chance because he feels it’s worth it….. versus having to go through such a hard surgery. I’m in agreement. We can try it…

Too many life changes in a short time! But, managing it all just fine…. ❤

Will update soon!!! XOXO

I posted this on Facebook and didn’t post here… from november 6th…

1 year ago today… this afternoon… for some odd reason, I plopped my butt on the sink in the bathroom and just looked at myself, which I never do… and when I looked, I found that my breast had a huge crease from the nipple to the armpit…and my nipple was pulling sideways. I took a photo, sent to it my husband and my Mom…. and they both thought it was odd. This was 7 months from the discovery of some lumps I had found in this same breast. At that time, I’d had a mammogram and a diagnostic ultrasound and these lumps were thought to be just cysts. I was in the clear or so I thought… I heard the news I wanted to hear and I just honestly stopped worrying about it. I stopped looking, I stopped checking. So this day in November…. I still didn’t think it was cancer…

November 6th marked 1 year since my discovery of cancer… and November 14th it was official and my life changed forever… Cancer has taught me so much…

This past year was tough… BUT… because of it, I met some amazing new people… who have brought me so much love, kindness and compassion. This time of year brings back some great memories and some not so great memories…. but, I’m grateful to my cancer for what it’s brought me & taught me.

Cancer has taught me who is truly there for me. Who truly loves me and cares for me..

Cancer has brought me back a restored faith in humanity. So many people reached out to me and touched my life in some way… and truly helped us to manage to get through. There have been so very tough times. I.have.not.forgotten…. ❤

Cancer has taught me what is truly important. It’s made me re-evaluate my life…. clean out, simplify and try to establish a manageable life and not one that is so out of reach and difficult to maintain, financially and emotionally… Cancer has made me re-evaluate my living style…. my profession and my stress level. It’s forced me to weed out the bad and keep the good…

Cancer has robbed me of the peace of knowing I’m healthy and living without worry is no longer possible…..HOWEVER, it has forced me to change my lifestyle and I honestly feel healthier than ever…. I no longer need to use deodorant (which I feel is a huge factor in all breast cancers,including men)… my skin on my body is smooth and flawless… I have energy…. I also have tons of aches and pains that I never had before…. but, thankfully I have a huge pain tolerance… and you take it in stride and it just becomes normal.

Thanks to cancer I have a new style… I would have never had the guts to try before… Honestly, I was always a bit overweight and it wouldn’t have carried well on me…. due to my blindness from chemo… I now wear glasses and I’ve decided to keep this “do”… the color may change as it seems my scalp and skin now have developed a sensitivity that cause it to react from the chemicals and bleach… so color may change here soon…

I have developed an allergy to shellfish… I believe my body is trying to tell me what’s bad and good… I now eat no meat, but have allowed myself to eat saltwater and fresh fish (not farm raised)… well, my eyes swell up and get all dry when I eat shellfish now…. so apparently I will no be absolutely no meat.

I am loving my job…. I love, love, love it… It’s so amazing to be a part of something so great! The response has been amazing… I love and have always loved working with brides… and my bosses and business partners are truly some of the kindest and most amazing people I could ever have had the honor of working for and with….

Life is good…. I hope it stays that way! ❤ I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed…. and God is so good.

So, I had my 3rd shot of Zoladex today. Chemically inducing menopause. Oh the joy…  I told my doctor today that the black cloud came over me about 3 weeks ago… I’ve been hyper sensitive to everything. My emotions are just extreme, no matter what they are…. He said, “everything you’ve been through has been hard on you, but this… is basically taking what happens during a 10 year span naturally and forcing your body into menopause in 2 months. We have to starve your body of estrogen or it will feed your cancer… so we have to stop it.  It’s difficult and it can affect your quality of life and we have to balance that… it affects sex, it affects sleep, it affects everything…. ” he suggested if I need an anti-depressant, we can discuss it. I am not ready for that… I feel like I manage it “ok”. Except for yesterday… both of my oldest boys have decided they want to move out. They are of age, but my middle son still in high school…  I did not take it well. It was something emotionally, I was not prepared for. Not both…. at once. I think I lost a bit of my mind yesterday. Unrecognizable, I told my doctor… It was a very, very bad day… He told me… “in less than a years time, you’ve had so much happen to you emotionally, physically, mentally…. some people don’t deal with all these things at all, much less in such a short time. He understands. I honestly feel like no one understands…. not those close to me, not those distant from me. but my doctor today…. empathized. It calmed me, I thanked him… feeling understood is an amazing thing. He wants to start Arimidex but he told me that he will give me a little more time to adjust to this medication first.

Secondly, I’ve developed capsular contracture around my left implant… caused by radiation. Basically the muscle and tissue is creating a capsule around it… and it’s pulling and lifting. My boobs are now very lopsided. Especially in the past week… Nothing can be done until surgery, which is January. But it’s uncomfortable… and it’s now very visible in my shirts. Google or Bing it… you’ll get an idea of what it looks like. I will spare you what mine look like…

I can’t wait for my visit to Wisconsin at the end of the month…. I desperately need a break…

It occurred to me today.. it’s been a good little while since I’ve posted. Lots of changes… lots of things to update. But the most profound thing is… there are some days when I don’t even think about cancer. Life is *almost* that normal. Amazing. Then there are days like today, where I am graced with the presence of other ladies who are battling or who have battled this ugly disease… some of whom have had a recurrence, some who are living with Stage IV… and it truly amazes me at the strength of these women, including myself. It’s hard to believe that life almost feels normal again. Today we discussed that feeling you have after treatment…. when you realize, your treatment is over… now what?! It’s almost like after you have your first baby… and you’re expected to go home and just adjust. It’s truly no different with cancer after your treatment is over…. Eventually you adjust. It’s just a part of life. There are so many scary things about this disease… but one thing all of these women had was this strength and a feeling of peace…. Worry is futile. You cannot change what you cannot control…. So, we just live.

There is one really neat thing… As we discussed a fellow cancer patient that is battling… and hospice is being called in – Cindy from Cindy’s Hope Chest… wants to know what she can do to help this woman. Her son is engaged… No doubt, she wants to see her son marry before she dies. THIS is something I might be able to help with. I don’t have money to give… but I do have a brother/sisterhood of wedding vendors who may like to pitch in to make this woman’s last wish come true… Just maybe…. Hopefully we have enough time.

I believe in the purpose of every thing we face. Some really crappy things we go through in life… but they are all learning lessons and I believe everything is for some reason. It may not be apparent right this moment… but at some point, it all makes sense.

Which leads me to discuss my job change… I know I posted months ago about my exuberance with my new position…. but, all that didn’t pan out the way I had hoped. However, during that time… I was contacted by some folks that I’d met last year during my quest to find the perfect location for a bride and groom’s engagement photos. During this quest, I stumbled upon the most amazing home… a mansion that I fell in love with. I fell in love with it’s owners and I pitched the prospect of making it into a wedding venue… and appropriately named it… Champagne Manor (On Sugar & Wine Rd). They sat on the prospect for over a year…. while waiting to fulfill a real estate contract on the home…. that later fell apart. Which led them back to me….. and our “baby” Champagne Manor. And, now I am the Director of Weddings & Events…. at this beautiful wedding venue. I’m truly thrilled to be a part of it!

I still feel really great! I’ve been diligent with my diet and walking every day. I’ve missed only a few days in the past several months. I’m on my 2nd shot of Lupron… which gives me the occasional hot flash from time to time. I’m thankful I’ve decided to keep my hair short because I think it really wards off the hot flashes. Plus, I still freeze much of the time…. so a little rush of warmth is just fine with me, I’d rather be hot that freeze… This morning I had a dentist appointment and they got me a blanket… that’s how cold I stay…. Other than that, I don’t really feel all that different. I’m pretty sure I’ve been menopausal for awhile… this is just clinching the deal to make absolutely sure before my next step… which is to take Arimidex. I’ll be taking the last of my 3 months of Xarelto for my blood clot in my long here in the next couple of days….

The next step after that is surgery… I will need to have my surgery to give me buttoobies. He did say he “may” try implants…. even though he typically will not when radiated skin is involved. That’s a bridge we will cross as we get closer. The risk of implants is a 50/50 chance of the radiated side to reject the implant… So typically they take your fat/skin to make boobs.. usually that’s with belly fat… but during all this I’ve literally dropped to a very low amount of body fat and all that remains is my butt. What a surgery and recovery that will be… January is the goal. Either way. And… I will still need to have a hysterectomy. If I have implants I can do both at the same time…. If not, it’s two separate surgeries. Really kinda makes me want to try the implants…. but I could risk more surgery anyway. So…. which way do you go?

I haven’t visited this page in months… I’m surprised at how many still are reading. Thank you for all the love, support and cheer leading I’ve received during my process… Each of you who’ve reached out to me… I seriously thank you. Some days, it literally meant everything to me.

Til the next one… ❤ Hugs & LOTS of LOVE!

Today I see my oncologist…. Normally they’d give me a hysterectomy at this point, but because of the blood clot I had in my lung I’m taking blood thinners for the next several months and so surgically no one will touch me until 3 months past taking blood thinners…. So the hysterectomy will be in December/January most likely. Right around the time of my surgery for my breast reconstruction, however…. I’ve been told it cannot happen at the same time… So, 2 surgeries… or more depending on the reconstruction process and what they feel will work for me…

Because the tamoxifen failed and caused the clot…. they need to make sure they are shutting down my hormone production to ensure the cancer does not return…. So, today I will receive the first in a series of shots called Lupron shots. These shots will basically shut down any ovarian function…. I honestly don’t think I have much ovarian function because chemo shrunk my ovaries to non-existence and I haven’t had a period since January. They were visibly not detectable on an ultrasound. But, this is just precautionary, my doctor said he cannot trust that my body is not making hormone. I have no idea what kind of side effects I can expect from these shots….. I dread it. Especially since I’ve been feeling so good.

Then, they’ll start me on a new medication…. because they will have given me these shots, they are basically forcing me into menopause… They can give me a different medication called Arimidex… which I imagine I will begin after today’s visit…. Again, I have no idea of the side effects…. I’ve been told it affects your joints but it doesn’t have the life threatening side effects like blood clots that Tamoxifen gives you….

So…. we shall see! I’ll keep you posted…. I pray that I don’t have side effects… and turn into some raging hormonal circus show… I’ve already been experiencing menopausal symptoms…. so I’m *hoping* it won’t be much different because honestly…. I feel like my hormones are so much more subdued…. versus before and during the cancer treatment…. But, from what I hear…. it’s horrible. My doctor said “You will not like me”…… UGH. Here we go! Bring it…..

So, for the most part… my cancer is behind me. A couple surgeries and follow ups to report about… but hopefully the cancer can be a thing of the past….

So, now I can use my blog to just speak what’s on my mind, in my heart and weighing down my soul…

I chose to take a job in the wedding industry and in a way I am building  a completely separate wing of a business… it’s truly like starting a business from the ground floor. Although, established… not many were aware they existed. It’s an undertaking… It’s become my new focus, my quest… I can no longer have my own business…. So, I will help someone else’s be a success.

The wedding industry is what I’ve known. My husband said… look at these past years as “your education”… my education in the wedding industry. I know what’s pretty. I was a photographer… I know how to position people, how to light people, how to photograph details…. I know pretty. But, there are a lot of things I don’t know… how to plan a party, what’s the right day to have a party, the proper elements involved…. But, I can design a suite and studio space from construction to completion in 3 weeks…. I’m a very good executor… I get things done, I get things accomplished….. but, there’s a ton I don’t know. Fortunately, I have people who are willing to step in and take those reigns…. next time I’ll consult before, not after…. ❤ It’s all about learning….

What I do know is how to build relationships, how to make a connection and how to make someone feel taken care of…. I know I can succeed.

But, let me tell you….. there are times when I have wondered if I’ve made the right choice…. My “history” in this industry at first … I kept to myself – I’ve never been one that had to run with the crowd, I do my own thing…. I don’t need a lot of people, I just need quality ones…. Then when I had cancer, I was sort of thrown like a wet noodle of despair into the industry…. whether I wanted it or not… And, the perception of some may not be what I actually am…. and I have to find peace with that.  I call people and they know me…. is that a good thing or a bad thing? Oy!

Then there are days where it’s perfectly clear… like yesterday, I sold my very first bride and groom on their wedding catering…. When they left, they told me… they chose “me”….. That is what it is all about to me…. I make friends, not clients…. Every single one of my clients will tell you this…. I take care of people… I make them feel like they are in amazing hands…

I had a bride we photographed a couple months ago… come visit me the other day and bring me coffee…. that is what it’s all about for me… Spend 5 minutes with me… and you have a window to my soul…

Several times through this, I’ve called upon some friends…. and questioned them… “Did I make the right decision trying to stay in this industry”…. they told me… YES, this is where you belong…. I thank them…. they are right… I’m in the right place…. Not everyone has to love me…. just the ones that matter.

Hey, we all need a pep talk, now and then….. For a little bit I was completely, honestly….. swarming in doubt…. But, I’ve found my inner strength and I genuinely look forward to the relationship building that lies ahead of me… ❤

I wanted to post on Tuesday, but this honestly has been a crazy week at work….

Tuesday I got to ring that bell!!! It was such an emotional day… I hung my head and literally couldn’t believe I’ve made it… 18 weeks of chemo, a mastectomy, a pulmonary embolism and 34 radiation treatments later…. My skin held up really well until about 2 weeks prior to the end of radiation. The 2nd to last week they really radiated the mammary nodes… and they must have cranked it up because boy… have I scabbed… The very last week of treatment, they radiated all of the hard to reach places I guess… and under my arm. Ever since, I’ve had radiating pains in my breast area… just randomly…

My skin is soooo incredibly raw and scabbed. The area under my arm is just so tender and it’s oozing… My shirt sticks to my burns… and then because I’m on Xarelto… I bleed and bleed and bleed…. It’s not very pleasant…

I did it… I made it! My updates will probably be less and less…. It’s time to move on…

I’m keeping so busy with my new job… plus the remaining weddings and editing…

Thank you so much for keeping up with my journey… allowing me to be myself, voicing my frustrations, concerns, worries… etc…

I pray so hard… that I never have to battle this disease like I have had to… again!

My next steps are…. I need to have Lupron shots shut down my ovaries… because I’m taking Xarelto so I can’t have any surgery until it’s out of my body… and I’ll be on Xarelto for 3 months. Then a total hysterectomy most likely in January… and my reconstruction…. which I’m not honestly sure, because I have to be off Xarelto…. so on those things, I’ll keep you posted…. ❤

Let me preface this by saying… I’m tired. Extremely tired… as a matter of fact.

We had a wedding Saturday, I had to finish a shoot we had contracted for Sunday… and radiation bright and early every single day before work… and working a job, also editing the remaining weddings. It’s a lot, right now on my plate…. I’m a bit overwhelmed and tired. To say the least… I’m trying to find time in my personal life to be a Mom… and try to stay on my walking schedule… much less try to find time to be a wife…. It’s a lot of juggling right now.

4 more radiation treatments left….

But… on top of that, my new job is going great – they love me… but, I now have 3 bosses. The owner, his wife and his son… all of whom have to approve every single thing I’m doing. 3 different opinions. It’s the planning phase…. so it’s a lot of approvals…. for the brochure, the website…. it’s a phase… it will pass. But in the mean time, I have to get through it. On top of that…. I purchased an item that I’ve had a heck of a time trying to get them to pick up and the person in the industry I purchased it from, has been on a roller coaster ride with their lack of planning… and I’m in the middle and it’s really uncool…. which has stressed me out a lot.

BUT… we have a 3 day weekend ahead and NO weddings… SO I should hopefully recoup some…

And, we have a vacation planned for the beach for 1 week in August… thanks to the Lindsay family who so kindly donated their beach house so we can have a vacation…

For the past 8 months… I’ve been through HELL and back…. I’m on the back part… which feels amazing. But, when I’m tired…. it sucks. I’m tired… my body is telling me I need to clam it up a bit…. I need to listen.

Early night for me! But for now… I have to go for my walk… it’s my therapy.