Author Archives: itsmesunshinesignedyourboobs

Am I ready for this???

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Today, my journey begins…. I get my port put in… the port will allow them easy access to put my medicine in and take blood easily….

It’s felt so surreal…. until now…

Tomorrow I have to start taking steroids to prepare…

Wednesday I’ll start TAC chemo…

Initially, I felt like I had an army behind me…. But, it’s become more of a circle now…. I’ve had this amazing circle of people who’ve surrounded me…. I know that this is probably going to be one of the hardest experiences I will ever have to go through… but with this circle of people who’ve proven to love and care about me…. I feel like I am ready…

I’m scared. I’m really scared…. but, I can do this….

 

 

It’s getting close…

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It’s the fear of the unknown… I’m the type of person, I don’t get sick often… but when I do… it typically hits me hard…. So right now, it’s the fear of the unknown… Last Monday… next Wednesday felt so far away… it’s coming too fast…

It’s Friday… and we have SO much left to do.. I still have storybooks & projects I need to finish, I have weddings that I haven’t even touched… and I’m running out of time. I pray that chemo doesn’t kick my arse… and I can muddle through and I won’t be bed bound…. I pray… because I have so much left to do! And, we need to finish selling and moving out of the studio by the weekend.

I’m in search of a wig… I plan to wear hats, but I know there will be some instances… where my teenage boys will be embarrassed if I have no hair or I appear sick… sometimes I don’t want to appear sick… I want to feel normal, so it’s important to me that I find a great wig…

I know that I’m equipped to handle what happens to me…. but it’s what affects others that has me so burdened…. And that’s our brides… They count on me… they met with me, they fell in like with me…. and the dynamic of the team that we are…. So, my biggest fear has been to explain to them and the fear that they may not want to use us…. and now more than ever, it’s so important that we retain most of these dates…. especially since we cannot take any more new weddings….

I’ve notified 3 brides…. I am awaiting a response from one… and the two responses I have received…. are a pure reflection of the brides I attract…. so embracing, so understanding, so amazing…. I have some very large name photographers willing to aid and assist at these weddings without expecting any compensation…. That is amazing.

I have to notify a lot of brides yet… but I feel like I need to take it as they come… I don’t know what position I’ll be in.. maybe my surgery will be put off and I’ll be able to be there… so there’s no reason in my opinion to worry people who don’t need to be worried….

All of this has been hard… so incredibly hard…. I pray that I don’t appear to be complaining… or whiny… I pray that you understand that this is also an outlet for my fears, my feelings… this helps me to vent and also to encourage, to explain… without having to explain 1000 times…. so many people are aware of what’s going on…. due to the industry I’ve been in…

The kindness, the love, the concern, the generousness of the people in the industry… people I have never, ever met…. some people who are just relatives of people I know…. people who’ve donated, who’ve offered their assistance, people who don’t know me from Adam….. are offering themselves to me however they can…. It’s absolutely amazing, overwhelming…. absolutely heartwarming. It brings me to tears… so often…

And then there’s my husband…. my rock, my man, my protector, my fixer…. he and I have both had our different ways of dealing of coping of taking control of this….. we both found ourselves retreating inward… and not leaning on each other… he recognized this in himself… but it was also me…. I have so many fears of how he will feel about these new changes… and it’s hard. It’s very hard….. I was protecting myself. A friend allowed me to vent… and we were able to get past it…. and we talked it out and the change has been amazing…. I need him. Both of us pushing each other away is not going to help anyone…. We need each other, right now…. But, there’s so much to deal with, so much to finalize, so much to take care of… He’s the fixer.. he handles things, he plans, he finds strategies….. and I just feel… We’ve committed to leaning on each other….

My kids are each dealing with this differently…. I have Taylor… my 19 year old. He moved back home…. just having him here, it makes me feel like life is the way it’s supposed to be… He’s quiet, he leaves a lot… when I first told him, the tears fell…. I haven’t seen those tears since… but I can tell, he’s scared…. just having him here… means everything to me. I don’t care if he comes and goes… it’s just nice.

Then I have Preston, he’s 18… he’s my snuggler, he hugs me 10 times a day, tells me how much he loves me… and he’s more vocal… He’s more like me. He announced it on Twitter and allowed people to reach out that way… I let him, it’s how he copes… everyone copes differently. And one of his friends reached out… it turned out their Mom has breast cancer and she has been very supportive and checks on him… which is awesome.

Then, there’s Brianna… Brianna’s my 17 year old step daughter…  we have a great relationship. She doesn’t live with us… but she visits often… She is soothed by music… she sends me songs… she sends me things, pictures, etc… she’s a very artistic person, a little more pulled inward…. but, she expresses herself with songs…. and music. All different kinds of music… a truly generous and kind hearted woman.

Then there’s Greyson… I’ve read that I need to be honest, so he knows what to expect and my hair doesn’t fall out and it scares him…. so besides telling him Mommy’s boobies are sick…. he knows that my hair will fall out and that Mommy is very sick and Mommy won’t be able to carry him soon… and I did tell him that they will need to take my boobies…. So last night, he lifted up my shirt…. and looked in there… to make sure they were still there… and then rubbed them…. I let him…. what’s the big deal… they won’t be there soon. He’s consoling me… *tears* I feel so bad that my kids have to go through all of this with me… I know it’s scary. They are scared to lose me…

Lastly, my parents…. my Dad has been checking on me more often, doing little things… to show me in his own way… He’s also a fixer… and he can’t fix this. He can’t take it away… so it upsets him…. My Mom has been UHMAZING… I worry about her… she’s going to be burdened with caring for me… now on top of Greyson. She’s been there every single day… every single wedding we’ve needed her to take him…. she’s more of a 2nd mother, than a Grandmother… My mother is an amazing, amazing person…. she has taken care of me more times in her life…. than a mother should have to…. For some reason, my body doesn’t do certain things, well.. Pregnancy for instance. She has never left my side… she’s always been there for me…. I pray, this doesn’t take a toll on her health…. Stress is a huge contributor to cancer….

I’m scared… every little ache… every little new feeling… I worry. I worry that it’s spread… I know the scans came back normal… but lately my collar bones have been just aching… I pray that it’s tension… because I sure have a lot of tension…. Darrell has been rubbing my shoulders for me… rubbing my head… and comforting… I am trying not to worry… but it’s hard.

They told me that with this type of cancer… they are doing everything to aid in my overall survival. But, chemotherapy with hormone related cancer… really only helps by about 10%  – they don’t expect major changes… but they hope it will help … to make my margins be clearer…. what he said will ultimately help me… will be surgery… and Tamoxifen… which will subdue my hormones… which will be my biggest contributor. I will take if for 10 years…. at least. So, you wonder… is it even worth it? 10% to go through the next 4 months of hell? But, you do all elements…. to aid in survival.. When you hear that… you realize just how serious…

Anyway, I probably won’t post much this weekend… we have so much to do…. and Monday I go for my port…. and I have another appt… so I really only have today, Saturday… Sunday we’re busy with a huge surprise…. and Tuesday… to get everything done… It’s getting close….

Awareness…

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I want to talk a little bit about my experience… I had my first mammogram at 39… I have very dense breasts…. If you’ve been told you have dense breasts…. it’s not a reason to be concerned, but it means that if you have something that is in there hiding, it may not show up on Mammogram… That’s the scary part…

In a book that I’m reading…

FACT:

On average it takes 100 days or more for a cancer cell to double in size. It takes about 10 years for cells to divide to a size that can be actually felt. – The EVERYTHING Health Guide to Living With Breast Cancer

That means… in my opinion…. when I went in April, what I felt…. was not a cyst. It was just not detectable on mammogram OR ultrasound… but it was most likely there…

This week when I went to my oncologist… he told me… if I’d have come and it was 1 cm… I probably would not even need chemotherapy, I’d take tamoxifen and I’d have a lumpectomy most likely and be on my way… That was a real blow to me… that means if I’d have been more aware… and I’d have said… hey, but I feel something, can we pursue this further… Maybe, they’d have caught it.

Fast forward to November… what I have going on… I honestly don’t know how I didn’t see it… because I was busy, that’s what I keep telling myself… Looking down on my breast, it doesn’t look different.. its when you’re looking at it straight on… which is why I noticed in the mirror… Which is why I guess they tell you EVERY MONTH, inspect your breasts IN FRONT OF A MIRROR…. I didn’t pay attention. They told me I was fine… I believed it… who wouldn’t WANT to believe it…

Now it’s SO big… I don’t know ultimately if their fact is truly a fact… because what I had in April is nowhere near like what I have now and it seems to be a ton bigger…. although it probably was more like 175 days… so maybe? Whatever…. that is scary! Now because of the size, I have to have chemo, I have to have a mastectomy… and most likely radiation… and I have to be on Tamoxifen for 10 years at least…

I’ve known a lot of people who’ve gone for their mammograms… and HECK YES!!!! If I’m creating awareness… at least through what I am going through… people are taking it seriously and getting checked… Another photog friend was called back after her mammo… and she was scared to death… luckily, they told her it was only a vein… I told her, to be her own advocate and keep feeling those breasts and ask them to re-check her in a few-6 months… Doctors are going to hate me… lol But, it’s serious… and if it can’t be detected on mammogram…. and that’s our gauge? We HAVE to be our own advocates… We know our bodies… we should speak for our own health.

So, when I went this past month…. My mammogram BARELY detected this LARGE tumor.. it’s 4cm and probably bigger by now… it’s had 30 more days to brew…. it’s visible outside the skin now… The ultrasound… showed a 1 cm something or other…. but it was because of how my breast is presenting that they really took this seriously…. The MRI was ultimately what showed the true size of the tumor…. and remember… with LOBULAR cancer… which I have both Invasive Lobular and Invasive Ductal… The lobular spreads like tentacles, it was compared to crabgrass… it spreads and weaves it’s way in there…. THAT cannot be detected on mammogram…. With all of the science and technology… there has to be a way to detect these things… before it gets to the point that it HAS to be treated with chemo…

Let me talk about my aunt Patty for a minute… she was a good girl, she went ON TIME for her yearly mammogram (unlike my Mom and my other aunt who’ve put theirs off for 6 additional months… tsk, tsk…. ;)… so she went for her mammogram and they saw a blip on the radar… she is post menopausal… so they took it seriously…. they couldn’t even see it on the ultrasound… they had to look and look and look and finally found it…. It was found… It was stage 0, but… she opted to have the breasts both removed.. and reconstructed, she did not need chemo and was able to reconstruct right away…. If you have to have cancer… that’s ideal… but because of the lobular, there’s a much higher incidence that it can come back in the other breast…. so she opted to have both removed… which was very smart. Ironically, this past summer…. we were there in Wisconsin and she showed me her prized jewels…. they look so NICE!!!! If at the end of all of this… I come out with a tummy tuck and a new set, I’ll be thrilled…. but with all I’m going through there’s a large chance my body will reject… let’s pray NOT!!!!

My point is… don’t put off your mammograms…. and if YOU feel something… don’t accept it’s “just a cyst” like I did….. if it has been there, potentially 10 years to reach this size??? I’m not sure that I believe that… but it’s been there longer than I realized… Their point in that is… we think it’s critical… get this thing out of me NOW!!! But, it’s really not that big of a crisis… you have time to make informed decisions…. I’ve been very much like… “c’mon… let’s get this moving… this thing is changing constantly” I’ve been documenting it and someday maybe I’ll be brave enough to put my boobs out there for all to see…. but this is a blog and children can see it…. so I don’t want to do that… plus, I don’t know who’s reading… BUT,  I think it would be very helpful and would help create awareness…. so maybe someday I will….

If one person reads this… just one person….. and her breasts are saved…. because of this awareness, everything I will go through is worth it…..

❤

Thanks & Stuff…

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I have so many things to be thankful for… I cannot believe the people who’ve donated to the go fund me page that Diane has created… do you know that most of them are complete strangers? How incredibly humbling… Diane called me last night and told me… and I was just absolutely blown away. It’s truly unbelievable and so heart warming…  gofundme.com/5kihio  and it’s been shared by 196 people?!

My sister in law called me yesterday and told me she would come clean my house once a week… she told me to call her and let her know and I told her… I’m so bad at asking… so bad. I will ask my best friend, I will ask my Mom… but it’s so hard to ask people…  I read an article recently about what not to say to people who have cancer… it was informative to me, because I have probably said the wrong thing…. but one thing that stuck in my mind… and I will implement in my life…. is, don’t ask… just do.. not that you just show up, but you say… I will be there at 7 to bring you….. or I will be there tonight, if you’re well to watch a movie if you’re up to it… When someone is sick, the last thing they want to do is burden someone. If you just do.. they can’t say no…. My life is going to be completely different and I will now probably be that go to person… and I will be the person to make meals and I will be the person to lean on…. I’ve been so incredibly blessed by so many people…

I need to thank Jamie for the conversation last night.. it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other… and we’ve rescheduled a bunch of times… and I told her… if it’s not now, it may not be anytime soon… so let’s just do it. I’m glad we did… These are the things for the last literally years… I’ve just not done. I’ve not had those girls conversations…. I’ve not taken the time, not because I didn’t want to… but I couldn’t… I’ve been so busy with work…. It is so nice to just talk to someone else…. of course, we talked about me some…. but it’s so nice to talk to someone else about what’s going on in their life…

Thank you to Ines, Juliet, Amelia and Tillie who have graciously offered to bring my family meals…. that is so appreciated… although I’m not going through chemo just yet… we are SO incredibly busy… too busy. I’ve actually decided that no more evenings will I be going out and doing things until chemo.. They told me I need to rest and rest up for what’s ahead…. so I really need to do that!

We are trying to sell all of our studio items so that we can move what’s left…. we need to move it out this weekend… Thank you so much to Katie O’Neil Greico for organizing and keeping track of the sold items… and meeting people there to pick them up… I was so completely overwhelmed with that task….. thank you, thank you…

And, there’s one more thing I’d love to address in this blog… 

This year, we will not be taking on anymore new weddings…. and honestly we’re not sure what next year will bring… But, Darrell will finish up the contracts that we have currently…. Darrell would love to spread the word among all the photographers…. that he will be available as a 2nd shooter for dates that we are not booked…. He’s a freaking amazing photographer and of course we have plenty of gear, lighting, etc…. and he would be an phenomenal addition to any photographer…. It would be immensely appreciated if you would consider having him…. because we REALLY depended on the income for photography and it’s going to be months before we have any money coming back in….. and I PRAY that our brides will understand and not have any issues with just Darrell shooting with another shooter. I tried to call one of my brides yesterday…. and she didn’t answer and I was in part…. so thankful. I don’t know if I was ready…. If they cancel, which some very well may…. Darrell will need to make extra income now more than ever…. so I pray that the Charlotte Photography Industry…. will embrace a fantastic addition to their team…. Please contact me if you are interested…. greysonsteelephotography@gmail.com

Many, many thanks….

Taking a break…

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I have so much stuff to get caught up on… and there’s no sense dwelling on what I cannot change…. so for the here and now I am going to focus on what I need to complete, the remaining tasks for the business… take a small hiatus from Facebook, other than to maybe let you know when I have a blog post… I have had such an overwhelming outpouring of support… I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate it… I’m sure Diane and others will keep me updated…

Right now, I have a lot of fear of the unknown… and so until I know… I’m just going to try to focus on what needs to be focused on…

Thank you Katie for handling the studio sales… for me… I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all of this…

Thank you to Diane for creating the site to try to help us through this… if you want it…. http://www.gofundme.com/5kihio

Yesterday I went to have my ECHO done and I went for genetics counseling, but it was extremely expensive and that is just not in the cards for us, right now…. They said my risk is 5% or 1 in 20…. eventually maybe when I’m insured I will choose to have it completed… I may just go ahead and have them remove my girl parts to avoid the ovarian cancer risk…. I will eventually want to have it done to know if I have passed it onto my boys…  but that will come in time…

On the bright side.. while I was there yesterday… I found my wig… 🙂

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Chemo & A Plan…

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Today’s visit with the oncologist was very informative… and a little scary. There are lots of side effects of chemo… but, it appears that the benefits outweigh the risks…I pray I am able to avoid any of the horrible things they scared me with today… 

Bare with me through my roller coaster ride of emotions. My emotions change by the moment… 

So, we have a plan… December 9th, I’ll receive my port… December 11th, will be my first day of TAC chemo. I’ll receive treatments every 3 weeks for 4.5 months. This too shall pass… 

I’ve been mourning the loss of my ability to act as a photographer for our company… but, we’ve decided that rather than allow all the hard work we’ve invested over the past years… to go to waste… Darrell will continue to shoot, because he is a phenomenal photographer and we will find a fabulous 2nd shooter…. and I will oversee everything. I will find a fabulous wig.. and hopefullyhave my makeup artist friends who can teach me how to learn my new way to apply makeup. ❤

I’m trying desperately to see the positive, to find my way… and find peace with all of this. I find myself smiling a little more than I’m crying…. and I will take that for now… ❤

 

Good Day…

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Sometimes you just have to make a conscious decision to have a good day…. There has been so much news lately of bad things happening to people… people losing their lives wayyy too soon. People are grieving their loss, children have lost their parents… and it really puts in perspective what I’m going through… yes, it’s going to be hard…. but it’s not the end of the world…. Can it come back? Yes…. could it be much worse? Yes…. But it isn’t right now. And that’s what I will choose to focus on…..

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And I think so myself… at least I can survive this…. For that, I am blessed. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Dawn… all of this is temporary…

Today, we have a lot to look forward to…. this has made me re-evaluate my relationship with God… He’s always been in my heart… but he’s not always been on my mind and right now I need him more than ever. Sadly, it takes things like this to make you think twice…. I hope he forgives for that… and I will be making it more of a habit to worship him… and be where I should be.

And, later today…. although Vinny is working all day…. Diane and Vinny have invited us for dinner after the Panthers game today…. and with all that she has going on with her friend’s loss, I really didn’t expect for her to keep these plans. I’m so grateful for all of my friends. I have some amazing close friends…. Tess & Lou… you have been by our sides through some good times and bad… on both sides and whenever I need you, you are there. I love you both! My bestie Tracey, I don’t get to talk to you often… and we don’t get to see each other nearly enough…. but it’s the kind of relationship that you don’t have to. It just is and remains… no matter what. And very recently, before all of this drama…. Diane and I connected… and hit it off… and I am so grateful for her presence in my life, especially now…

Have a great Sunday everyone…

 

 

 

Grieving

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I’ve been sitting here… for a bit, trying to find the words…. I feel like everyone wants me to be positive… stay positive, be positive… you can do this! But it’s SO freaking hard…. in 3 weeks my life has been turned completely up side down sideways…

At first, all I cared about was surviving… when you hear the word cancer… you automatically think the worst….

Now, there’s so much to work out… so much to think about… so much to grieve. Last night, when driving through our neighborhood… my husband said. “It doesn’t feel real, does it”…. no, it doesn’t… but then again it does. It will soon feel real enough.

I’m seriously grieving our business…. I feel like it’s something that we’ve babied, nourished and we’re just having to give it away…. or allow it to die… It feels like… “hey here’s my child…. I can’t take care of it anymore”…. How can you just be OK with that? I am having a very hard time. Yes… I know it’s all about surviving, trying to be positive to beat it…. but I feel like it’s perfectly normal to grieve…. I know that people want to encourage me, to lift me up…. but unless you walk in my shoes, there’s no way to understand…. just how hard this is.

I have never been a vain person… but I’ve always taken pride in my appearance…. I’ve mentioned, I have my own insecurities… and I feel like this is just going to take it to another level… I won’t have breasts for awhile…. I’m grieving all of this…. I’m adjusting to my short hair…. I feel like I’ve aged, 10 years… I see photos of myself and I just feel like I look old… will this age me even more??

Everyone is trying to help me, I mean everyone and people I never, ever expected…. and I’m so amazingly grateful. The smallest thing sends me into tears…. The outpouring of offers, it’s seriously hard to even grasp…. or express my appreciation. I feel like I’m slipping into a state of “numb”…. so I pray that I will be able to continuously express my gratitude…. I don’t want anyone to feel like one gesture means less to me than another…. so if I become a state of “numb” or “too sick” please, please know how much I appreciate everything. I may not be able to blog or Facebook or recognize everyone who’s helping….

I’ve been reading a book, that helps prepare you for this journey… it’s raw. It’s honest. It doesn’t sugar coat…. Everyone reacts differently, so I pray I am one that doesn’t react adversely to chemo… I don’t know if it’s best that I’m reading…. or maybe I should be taking it as it comes. Sometimes I feel like reading about it, makes me dwell…. and worry. I may just stop reading this book… but then again, maybe it’s good to know what to expect. When I was pregnant with Greyson, I read everything I could and prepared myself for what I was in store for and I feel like it strengthened me so much. I honestly don’t know what’s best in this situation.

I feel like everyone thinks I’m so strong…. and I should always be strong. But, I’m not. I feel very weak, a lot lately…. I’ve been through a lot… I’m sure this won’t be the last life altering event I deal with…. and for that I’m grateful…. I can survive this and I will TRY to focus on that….

But, please allow me to grieve, please know I can’t be strong 100% of the time…. thank you to my bestie from NC for letting me chat with her this morning on Facebook… and I simply sent my BFF in Nashville a message this morning that said… “I’m having a bad morning” and she said… “do you want to talk?” I told her.. honestly no…. but she called anyway and I’m glad she did…. I found my words again. For a while, I literally lost it….

Thank you to Juliet Harless for fulfilling my Mom’s request for a specific photograph… I appreciate you doing this for us…

That’s all I have for today…. Maybe one of these days, I’ll add more photographs to make this more interesting…

Losing Your Way…

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I won’t advertise every blog I post, some are for me… because this is my therapy..

Most everyone knows I’m a wedding photographer… For the past 4+ years… we’ve cultivated and nourished this business to a point where we were peaking… The magazines were starting to recognize our work, we’ve won countless awards, referrals were pouring in…. we were finally going to achieve our goal, next spring…. for my husband to join me full time.  And then we found out I have cancer…. all of this is very new, news… still within a couple of weeks and during these two weeks…. it has been both amazing and devastating…

Yesterday, we were finally given the information…. we were dreading. After my mastectomy.. this summer, I will not be able to shoot weddings… for several years… and I will explain…

Someone asked me why? I got a little defensive… I could tell that they felt we were being too cautious….

My diagnosis is… Left Breast – Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and it’s positive in my Sentinel Lymph Node. Right Breast – I had 3 spots on MRI that they were concerned with… when biopsied, my surgical oncologist is unsure that what was biopsied was what was seen on MRI…. What was biopsied… has something called Atypia (pre-cancerous cells)…. which means that in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… it will most likely develop into cancer.  The doctor recommended mastectomy due to the size of the tumor…. on the left breast. We opted to go ahead and do a double because of the atypia… we do not want to risk going through all of this again. So therefore my course of treatment…. 6 months chemotherapy/double mastectomy/radiation… I will have to wait 6-8 months and then I can start reconstruction.

My doctor is not concerned not for the breasts…. but for the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are what cause the cancer to spread…. I have a distinct tumor on one of the lymph nodes… but they do not know how many lymph nodes it affects.  Yesterday the reason for my appointment… was…. they wanted to give me the option of biopsying the right breast to either confirm or deny diagnosis…. but also they are concerned about the lymph nodes… the reason is…. if they have to remove even 3-4 of the lymph nodes.. which they will during mastectomy…. I could end up with lympedema… it’s a 1-5% chance… that may seem small… but it’s large enough to not risk it…. If you’ve seen how ugly lymphedema can be…. it’s not worth it. Plus it’s limiting when/if you get it…  If we opted to go ahead an biopsy the areas of concern…. we have to wait for another month before I can start chemo… that gives my body another month for this cancer to spread. We decided to move forward right away with chemo… to start attacking this beast inside me…. and take the slight chance of lymphedema…. but that risk is extremely lowered…. if you do not do anything strenuous with your arms. At the time of surgery… if the chemo has not shrunk the tumor in that main lymph node… and she said with the type of cancer I have… she’s just being real…. that there’s a higher chance it will not kill it completely… My cancer is hormone driven and I have a continuous supply that is feeding these tumors… IF it’s positive in that main node… she will take ALL of the lymph nodes on that side… and my risk goes up to 15-30%. I’ve seen lymphedema…. and I will do everything I can to prevent it. It does not go away. I’m not an older woman in her 60’s-70’s…. I’m still very young… and I have lots of years of sleeveless shirts, swimsuits, etc… that I’d like to enjoy… and not worry about hiding my arms.

I’ve had so many worries and concerns…. 1. our business…. what will happen to it, all this work we’ve put into it… will just slowly die 2. having no breasts for a good long time…. 3. losing my hair (it may seem trivial… but it’s a loss)… 4. losing my studio  5. losing myself…. I’m a photographer, this is what I am…. not to mention that… but I already had self confidence issues… I’m a woman….we all have them… but this… puts it at another level…

And then I remind myself… but you will survive. Yes, it’s going to be a really tough couple of years… financially, emotionally and it’s going to take a toll on my health… but I will be alive… I will be here for my children. Then I’ve had people cause me to worry about my husband leaving or cheating…. and so I talk to him… and he assures me he isn’t going anywhere… This has caused so many vulnerabilities to come out…. and it’s not attractive, at all…

I’ve been through a lot since I’ve been with Darrell… more than one man should have to deal with.. honestly, in the past 6 years… we lost a child and I grieved, terribly…, we went through the premature birth of another child.. where he had to care for me 24 hours a day… and then visit a baby every day in the NICU for months… and now this….plus on top of all of this… the stress of our business…. it’s a lot. It’s only normal for me to worry that it might be too much for him to deal with… He assures me, he’s not going anywhere…. I’m going to need him….

A friend of a friend sent me this… and I was actually wet with tears….

http://vimeo.com/57648966

I pray…. that I find my way like this woman has…. I pray that I can inspire someone, like she has…. I pray that I find my way… and that losing my photography career…. does not mean that I’ve lost my way…. but that I will find my way in another direction….

Good News…

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There was good news today… the cancer does not appear to have spread… they still are not convinced, I don’t have breast cancer in the right breast, but we decided rather than undergo another biopsy and surgery, we are going to move forward with chemo first/mastectomy/ radiation if necessary… and we’ll be taking a risk that I may get lymphedema… but it’s a small risk 1-5%… I will have to be extremely careful not to do anything with my arms for 2 years following surgery, no lifting, nothing at all strenuous. If I have to have all lymph nodes removed… my chance of lymphedema will go up to 15-30% and then I really need to make sure I don’t do anything with my arms for 2 years or longer… It appears for the next 2.5 years at least… my career in photography is over. I feel extremely sad about that…. but, I will survive and I will be here to see my children grow older…. and that is really what everything is about, now… and we’ll have to pray to God that we figure out a way to manage through it all, financially and emotionally…