Grieving

I’ve been sitting here… for a bit, trying to find the words…. I feel like everyone wants me to be positive… stay positive, be positive… you can do this! But it’s SO freaking hard…. in 3 weeks my life has been turned completely up side down sideways…

At first, all I cared about was surviving… when you hear the word cancer… you automatically think the worst….

Now, there’s so much to work out… so much to think about… so much to grieve. Last night, when driving through our neighborhood… my husband said. “It doesn’t feel real, does it”…. no, it doesn’t… but then again it does. It will soon feel real enough.

I’m seriously grieving our business…. I feel like it’s something that we’ve babied, nourished and we’re just having to give it away…. or allow it to die… It feels like… “hey here’s my child…. I can’t take care of it anymore”…. How can you just be OK with that? I am having a very hard time. Yes… I know it’s all about surviving, trying to be positive to beat it…. but I feel like it’s perfectly normal to grieve…. I know that people want to encourage me, to lift me up…. but unless you walk in my shoes, there’s no way to understand…. just how hard this is.

I have never been a vain person… but I’ve always taken pride in my appearance…. I’ve mentioned, I have my own insecurities… and I feel like this is just going to take it to another level… I won’t have breasts for awhile…. I’m grieving all of this…. I’m adjusting to my short hair…. I feel like I’ve aged, 10 years… I see photos of myself and I just feel like I look old… will this age me even more??

Everyone is trying to help me, I mean everyone and people I never, ever expected…. and I’m so amazingly grateful. The smallest thing sends me into tears…. The outpouring of offers, it’s seriously hard to even grasp…. or express my appreciation. I feel like I’m slipping into a state of “numb”…. so I pray that I will be able to continuously express my gratitude…. I don’t want anyone to feel like one gesture means less to me than another…. so if I become a state of “numb” or “too sick” please, please know how much I appreciate everything. I may not be able to blog or Facebook or recognize everyone who’s helping….

I’ve been reading a book, that helps prepare you for this journey… it’s raw. It’s honest. It doesn’t sugar coat…. Everyone reacts differently, so I pray I am one that doesn’t react adversely to chemo… I don’t know if it’s best that I’m reading…. or maybe I should be taking it as it comes. Sometimes I feel like reading about it, makes me dwell…. and worry. I may just stop reading this book… but then again, maybe it’s good to know what to expect. When I was pregnant with Greyson, I read everything I could and prepared myself for what I was in store for and I feel like it strengthened me so much. I honestly don’t know what’s best in this situation.

I feel like everyone thinks I’m so strong…. and I should always be strong. But, I’m not. I feel very weak, a lot lately…. I’ve been through a lot… I’m sure this won’t be the last life altering event I deal with…. and for that I’m grateful…. I can survive this and I will TRY to focus on that….

But, please allow me to grieve, please know I can’t be strong 100% of the time…. thank you to my bestie from NC for letting me chat with her this morning on Facebook… and I simply sent my BFF in Nashville a message this morning that said… “I’m having a bad morning” and she said… “do you want to talk?” I told her.. honestly no…. but she called anyway and I’m glad she did…. I found my words again. For a while, I literally lost it….

Thank you to Juliet Harless for fulfilling my Mom’s request for a specific photograph… I appreciate you doing this for us…

That’s all I have for today…. Maybe one of these days, I’ll add more photographs to make this more interesting…

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