Today at radiation, a very wise woman that I spoke to yesterday about my fears… came to me and asked me if I’m giving it to God… she asked me if I pray. I said “I do pray… a lot”… she said use those 20 minutes while you’re staring at the ceiling and just be thankful… be thankful for everything, be thankful for the warm air coming through your car, be thankful for the medicine you’re receiving, be thankful for the healing, be thankful for every little tiny thing and thank God for providing it for you… and the rest… Give to God. I’m so bad at this… I forget to throw my burdens on him and I try to tackle it all on my own. I’m receiving the best medicine, I’m receiving amazing care, I have doctors who truly care about me… who reach out and want to know genuinely how I am…. I’m very blessed. I’m not unheard, they are listening…. and I’ll continue to press and voice my thoughts and worries….

At the beginning of this, I didn’t have medical coverage… and now, I have been granted the best care…. I have so much to be thankful for…. It was a very powerful radiation appointment today… the tears streamed down my face. I needed that reminder. She told me… plan the next month, the next year, the next 5 years…. plan those vacations and things to look forward to, they will give you a reason to live…. and things to look forward to and just remind yourself… “you don’t have time for this”….

Yesterday was an emotional day, feeling very out of control… I thought we had a plan, now there’s a hiccup in the plan… it makes things uncertain for me again…. But, I have no control. I am doing everything within my power to do what I can do to eat better and take care of myself…. I can’t really do more than that. Other than to nurture my soul….

I’ve been worried about my weight, I’m not going to worry about it anymore…. maybe this is the benefit I get to reap for having done all this hard work…. nourishing my body. I doubt it, but… let’s hope that is what it is….. I talked to a friend today… we laughed and said, bet you never worried about having to gain weight…. She said it’s fantastic… I said, all but the saggy skin where my butt used to be…. Now, I have an excuse to let the doctor take it and make boobies…. I’m sure we can make up a word for my boobies that are made from my butt, I’m not that quick witted at the moment….

My doctor sat and told me last week… what do you do for relaxation… whatever it is… do that. Very wise people… I’m sure at the end of this journey, they see all types of mental states that people are in…. It’s waring, it wears you down….. and they are so kind and loving about it. I’m thankful for them….