Today I met with my oncologist… He wanted to me to start Tamoxifen shortly after surgery and thus my visit today… It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a month since surgery… He told me from the very beginning that Tamoxifen would be my biggest ally with the type of cancer I have… The invasive lobular carcinoma is a tricky beast….

So when Dr. Brouse came in to visit with me today, he asked me…. how are you? “Frustrated I bet” he said… I said, yes… I was very shocked there was so much cancer that remained… He said “it was really surprising considering that the breast really reacted well to chemo”…. What he meant by that was… my breast had developed a large dimple… or crease from the nipple back to the armpit and the nipple was pulling inward towards the armpit…. that had bounced back somewhat or so it seemed…

After chemo… I could still feel the hardened tissue…. but they told me it may be scar tissue. Hope for the best, right? I did!!! When they saw my NORMAL MRI…. everyone was excited, including me… but elusive that was, for sure. 8cm of Lobular cancer, plus 7 of 12 nodes were cancerous….

I told him, I don’t trust these tests… he said he can understand why! There’s good reason, they’ve failed me more than once now! I asked him how long he thinks the lobular cancer has been there… he said, I bet 3 years…. I had a mammogram in 2012 and early 2013…. both did not detect the cancer. The LARGE amount of cancer….

With the amount of cancer and the nodes affected…. he said my recurrence rate without Tamoxifen is about 50%… with Tamoxifen it’s about 30%… I asked him point blank… Ladies my age, with similar status on Tamoxifen… have you seen recurrence? He said “we’re being brutally honest and that answer is yes and I don’t mean to scare you, but it does” and then he said “Unfortunately with Lobular cancer, it comes back, it’s the nature of the cancer”… On the plus side, he said “it’s a slow growing cancer so it’s not life altering right away if it does reoccur..  ” But.. by the time it shows it’s face… it’s usually progressed right along…

That being said… I’ve had this continual problem with my lung, since right after diagnosis…. I had a CT scan then, I had one during chemo for the same area that was bothering me…. and now… it’s back with a vengeance. I haven’t mentioned it, because you know… we cancer patients, we think everything is cancer…. There have been times when I do not feel it, but when I do feel it… it’s always in the very same area…. He said “Do I think it’s in your lung? No… Could it go to your lung? Yes” So, he’s ordered me another CT scan which I’ll have next week. He said… it could be something in the rib wall or the chest wall…. that is bothering me when I breathe deeply…. but we will pray that it’s not. My problem is… now I do not trust the tests. If it was a problem that came and went, if it moved locations…. but it doesn’t. Do I feel consoled that he said he doesn’t think it is in my lung? Not really…. I don’t trust these tests and the lobular cancer is a sneaky, sneaky cancer… it does not like to show it’s face. Although the doctors tell me it would in different locations…. I’ve done my own research.

So, what to do? I’m just going to be proactive with my own health… I’m going to get even stricter with myself… and eat a stricter diet of juicing cancer fighting vegetables… I’m going to eat a diet of raw foods and cancer fighting fruits and eat very little meats… and if I do, it will be wild caught fish or seafood or occasionally lamb…

Today at the doctor, although I told him… I’m ecstatic to be at this weight, it concerns me that I’ve lost almost another 10lbs since my surgery… very, very unusual for me… Could it be my diet? I hope so!!!!! I really do…

So, I’ll start Tamoxifen… he claims the benefits outweigh greatly the risks of it causing uterine cancer and blood clots…. and I’ll pray HARD that I have no side effects… I asked him, if I’m going to blow up like a blowfish from the Tamoxifen and he claims that the placebo patients gained as much as the Tamoxifen patients… I could afford to gain a few pounds, though… I HATE the idea of taking it… I really do… But, I’m honestly scared to death not to…. I trust that my body will heal itself, but I don’t know if I trust it 100%… without help.