Mourning…

Yesterday, we were at the surgical oncologist for a good little bit… I had so many people texting, calling…. worried. I put on my brave face and told my story at least 10 different times yesterday….

This morning… I woke up in tears… My husband and I just laid together talking about it all…. It’s all very surreal…

This morning. I’m mourning…. I’m mourning the loss of my hair, I will never again complain about my hair… or wanting to cut it or dye it or whatever I’ve ever complained about in the past… I’m also mourning the loss of my breasts… and more than anything, I pray my husband still thinks I’m beautiful…. it’s going to be a long time coming before I have the reconstructive process… it appears almost a year and a half… and then that takes awhile…

Tuesday I will be cutting my hair off…. to prepare… I want to prepare mostly my littlest son… and I don’t want it to be such a shock when my long hair starts to fall out… so I was going to do a bob, but now I’m thinking more like a pixie…. it will only be there for a few more weeks… and then it will be gone for six months…

I pray that I tolerate chemotherapy well. I pray that I tolerate radiation well…. but I thoroughly appreciate what the doctor is trying to do… by saving my arms.. potentially… if you’ve seen lymph edema… it’s not something you want if you can at all avoid it.

I think when people see me getting down, they think they need to remind me that I will be ok…. I know I will be ok, I know I’m a strong person…. I just need to get my feelings out and this is all part of the process. If I don’t grieve the loss, that is unhealthy…. they told me… tears are absolutely part of this process…

Anyway, I have lots to do today…. I need to clear my plate of what I have left…. Many thanks to DeLayna Kenney McCallum from D. Kenney Imaging and Levi J. Wiggins from www.photographersedit.com for helping me make this possible.

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