I’ve had a handful of other survivors come forward to tell me… they have these same fears or thoughts… we just haven’t wanted to speak them.

My blog was my outlet and I’d given it up… like everything else. Ironically, I do feel so much better today! Just getting it down.. helps. Journaling… helps.  It’s getting the thoughts out of your head…. and letting them rest. Instead of allowing them to consume you….

My husband told me yesterday… you need to find something that you absolutely love, like he does with golf… that makes you forget every care you have! I already know what that is…. but, I just currently don’t have the means of that outlet. Someday, I will! Not photographing for a living…. photographing as my art, photographing beauty… being so excited you cannot wait to edit those photos and post them…. I lived for it! Did it consume me? It probably did… I did one of those Facebook things that analyzes your a weakness… for me it said I was a workaholic… lol I was. I’m not going to lie. That isn’t healthy either. I put all I had into my business… but it made us successful. I mourn it every day… but it’s like giving up sugar… you realize that it also probably made you sick, but you still love it and miss it…. Moderation is key, kind of thing….  So, for me… to do it as my business…. would have probably led me right back where I was. As a married couple, working together…. it had it’s stresses. I gave it up… working 10-12 hour days isn’t conducive for my current state of health… But, doing it for 2 hours, is…  I crave it…

My integrative oncologist said I need massage and healing touch and these outlets… that allow you to forget everything for a little while….. healing touch is a service they give. I did it once and it was amazing… Unfortunately, groceries are more important than massages.

With my job… currently, I’m an account executive for a logistics company where you go out and find business.  It’s not as easy as I had thought… At Ashley, I hit the ground running… I was instantly successful. But, the hours and weekends…. were killer. I’ve just learned that there is no utopia. I’ve got to embrace the positive things about my current job… the small victories… They give you a base salary and a vehicle…. and this is why. It’s NOT easy. But, it’s not enough either… so I feel this constant battle with myself to try and try and when it doesn’t happen instantly… it’s difficult. That’s why I said… it’s a living. I don’t LOVE it… it’s a job. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m going to find something that I absolutely love…. and so job hopping is just stupid. Stop…. and just try to embrace what positives this job brings. My manager is a really great guy. The upper management is a little difficult. Being by myself…. driving around all day, going into businesses where people are instantly busy when you walk in…. it’s a little bit of a downer. When you find someone who actually sees value in it… it’s awesome! I’ve experienced this in other aspects of my life, so I’m very used to it…

Someone posted something on FB, who I’m fairly certain reads my blog…. who cannot possibly understand… Maybe it wasn’t for me… but I related to it. I had given up Facebook for about a month, for this very reason… It causes arguments and frustration. We never had the ability to peek into someone’s life before and look at the highlight reel which makes everything look so glamorous. When you stop and talk to those people for a few minutes…. they are like.. eh, this sucks and that sucks…. yet… by Facebook, you’d think everything was honkey dorey… so you don’t even stop to bother to talk to them, because you think… they’re doing just fine. Not true…. I figured if someone wanted to talk to me… they know how to reach me. I’ve become slightly active on Facebook again…. and now I understand why I took the break. Politics and people’s opinions… which if they were standing before you face to face, they’d never have the “balls” to say it to your face. It’s cyber bullying, really… It’s stupid and pointless. Who needs this in their life!?

I’ve smiled through all the pain…. although the pain remains, I’ve buried it deep… Now, I’m putting it out there. I still smile through it… Thank God for my smile, it hides so much! I am so glad I’ve put it out there… because the ones that relate are coming forward… not posting things on Facebook hoping I get the point…. they are reaching out and saying… I feel this way too!!! I understand!!!

It’s not to say you sit around obsessing all day long…. you just have it there… lingering. A silent presence… that you’re afraid to vocalize.

Since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve watched probably 10-15 people die from this disease…. I wasn’t stage 0 or 1, I was stage 3. Even someone who was stage 2… and was diagnosed at the same time as me… died last week.

It’s not a fear of dying… believe me some days, I feel like…seriously, is this even worth it?! It’s not a fear of leaving my husband or my older children, they would miss me, but I know that they would be fine…..my older kids go about their daily lives as if I don’t exist anyway… they would be just fine.  There are honestly 2 reasons why I fight… Greyson and my Mom. A small child cannot possibly understand… and the missing me would be unbearable and I fear that. I fear leaving my mother and my husband to have to deal with that…. And, for a mother to lose a child….. I know it would kill her too…  That’s the God’s honest truth. Very amazing reasons to fight.

This blog…. is for me. It’s not for you to judge me. It’s real, it’s ugly, it’s beautiful, it’s brutally honest, it’s exposed, it’s my reality. I’ve decided to make it a blog… so that if others relate or want to peek in… that’s awesome. But, it’s truly for me. I asked you yesterday to love me through it… please just love me through it.

I’m feeling better today… it’s a good thing!