With spring in the air and everyone around me beginning their seasons, including us…. I find myself having with drawls, absolutely missing photography as my art. I’ve done 2 shoots since the beginning of the year…. I did a boudoir in January because she’d pre-paid me and I did a bridal shoot in the past couple of weeks…. This weekend we have a wedding that Darrell with be shooting with our 2nd…. and I will be there as a support system, but I will not be shooting.

I feel like I’ve lost my right arm… I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself…. For the past years photography has been the majority of our income, my passion…. we grew something that was meant to be just a way for me to make enough money to stay home with my son to… something amazing…. and I’m really, really mourning it.

My husband feels like photography and the stress of weddings, the stress of the business side…( not the art side )….he feels that it’s contributed to my condition. Stress is a major contributor. I get it.

This morning I watched the most amazing video of a couple shooting an engaged couple…. I absolutely could cry at the thought of not being able to do this anymore….

My health, my life is more important….. BUT…. today…. right now….. I’m mourning.  I’m still VERY lost about my direction…. Do I get a full time job? Will I be happy with that? How can I re-invent myself as a photographer…. without doing wedding photography? Without working such long days and risking my arms developing lymphedema… I thought about doing boudoir because I absolutely love it…. I just don’t see how it’s possible….

I’m an artist…. I create beautiful things. That is what I do…. how can I NOT do that?

I just don’t know…. I keep hoping it will become clear.