Be kind always, because you never know what someone is going through…
So, I’m once again awaiting a biopsy. Because a simple rash… could be skin mets. And, I’m supposed to act like everything is ok…I debated whether to even discuss it… because lately, I feel so incredibly alone in my fight. I feel like I don’t dare talk about it. I feel like no one wants to hear it. They want me to be positive ALL the time. All the support, I once had… and I feel lonely. How is it possible? I think because I always seem to smile and act like everything is ok, people assume I am. My children included. Maybe, that’s a mistake on my part… I am ok for the most part… and I’ll try to pretend I’m ok… until I get the phone call with either great news or devastating news. I just never know when that time will be for for me. Even if I have cancer again, I will be ok. I will continue to live my life the best way I can, I will do whatever is necessary and I will paint on a smile and live with more changes to my incredibly unrecognizable self. Until, its my time. Whenever that may be.
I’ve refused to live in fear and I’ve thrown myself into prayer. I’ve resolved that if this disease takes my life, it’s because there is a purpose in it… Maybe there is a lesson in it….
I honestly want to not think about cancer anymore. I want to go on and live a normal life and blissfully pretend that cancer cannot affect me. Lately, I’ve allowed myself to fall off the wagon with my diet… I hear people say, diet doesn’t make any difference… some people live healthy lives and die anyway. Justification…. it’s ok to have this little bit of sugar… it’s ok to have a glass of wine. I’m too tired today to walk… And, it should be ok… but, what if it’s not? What if I’ve caused this myself?
Do I publish this or do I let this be just my thoughts… nobody wants to hear it Dawn, they are tired of hearing about it…. but these thoughts swim around in my head… and unless you’ve walked in the shoes of cancer, you could never understand. No amount of “you’ve got this” will help. I know I’ve probably said those words before to someone else… but those words suck. Because, no…. I don’t “got this”… I so don’t have this. I don’t have control over any of this…. I want to believe my diet is enough, I want to believe that the radiation was enough or the chemo was enough or all the carving that’s been done to my body, has been enough…. but, what if it’s not. And my doctor said…. “your cancer comes back”…. Is my time now? Or have I dodged another bullet?
Then, there’s my body… which I’m so unhappy with right now. I won’t even go into all of the issues I have…I used to have like a couple problem areas…. well, that list is mighty long now. Thank God above for clothing. And people say… just be happy you are alive. I should be right?! But, I don’t even recognize myself… I’ve lost 10 years of estrogen… plus the chemo… and I see things in myself…. and I remind myself, you should be happy to be alive and then I see a photo of myself from just a couple or few years ago… I could cry. I can only imagine what more chemo or treatments would do… Then I think, would I even want to go through all that, again? Could I do it? I don’t know. I don’t honestly know. I don’t think my teeth could take more chemo…
Some days, I just have a hard time smiling. And, feeling like your kid places more importance on anything and everything else, certainly doesn’t help matters. I just want to shake them sometimes when they are so absorbed in their phones or so busy to spend time with family… and I want to say… someday you will regret this!!! I’m sorry this has to even be a thought in your head…. but, you would think that cancer would maybe forced them to re-calculate their priorities. But, no…. they are self absorbed, young men… and I say they, but it’s really one more than the other. But, then again… they both can be that way. I know that cancer has affected my oldest son, deeply. He is so afraid to lose me, I know this. And, because of this, love me or anyone else… I feel like he distances himself…. but then sometimes, he’ll do something so incredibly sweet and thoughtful, which makes me know… he cares. Then there’s my middle one…. I don’t think if it stared him in the face, he’d get it. The day will come… they’ll get it. But, will it be too late? Greyson has seen more, been through more with me… and gets it more than any of them! He talks all the time about breast cancer and draws me ribbons. My fight is truly for him, because obviously my older boys would be just fine without me.
This probably comes across as very negative… tomorrow, I will wake up and smile… and pretend all is fine, until I have more information. I just seem to never catch a break and there always seems to be something I have to worry about… So far, like I’ve said.. I’ve dodged those bullets. Every single time I have a worry, I think about my job, will I be able to work, I’ll lose my hair, will they notice? Will I be too tired, how will we financially make it? Will we lose everything?
And, then I stop and pray… I pray so much. I literally pray more than I have ever prayed in my life and when I pray I get this warm feeling in my stomach…. No matter what, I know I’ll be ok. I just worry about everyone else. My Mom, Greyson, my older boys… although they seem so tough… my husband is probably the strongest of them all and would be just fine, but would it be hard for him parenting a grieving child? Think positive, people say… medidate, do yoga… I do all of these things, but there is no amount of positivity that can remove the worry of this beast.
I remind myself… be kind always, people are fighting battles no one knows anything about. Everyone, seems to be facing a battle of some sort.