It’s been a little while… and there’s lots to put down in words.
2 months ago, I had scans and my doctor said that there was “sclerotic change” on my scans. It was different than previous scans. It affected my sternum and 1st rib. For nearly two months, I’ve been semi-concerned about it. It’s hard when you know something “could” be wrong that could change your life dramatically, and when you’ve been through all this before… it’s so worrisome. I’ve carried this burden myself, I’ve prayed about it – sure. I don’t know that I’ve completely given it to God.
In my research, when there is tumor… either the cancer eats at the bone or it builds up bone around it. Sclerotic means, builds up the bone around it. So, I’ve developed a hump on my breast bone on my sternum area.
2 months pass, lots going on so it was easy to semi-forget. I went to my oncologist on Monday and he said there was more than just “sclerotic change” – there was also an internal mammary node that was swollen. I was re-scanned on Friday. I really did my best to forget about it this past weekend… but, it’s hard to completely forget.
My doctor called me and said that the “sclerotic change” has remained stable. He told me that it would be his suggestion to do a bone scan. I’ve decided to go back to Ashley… and so I’ll be without benefits for 2 months. I asked him if he felt I would be ok to wait that long. He felt that it’s fine to wait 10 weeks. He said “IF” it is cancer.. it’s not fast growing based upon the fact that it’s remained stable for the past two months… He said “I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s not or it could not be cancer”….and then he said regardless.. the protocol will be no different, now or 10 weeks from now IF it were cancer. It’s imperative that I make this change back to Ashley – I am just not happy at my current job. I left on good terms, so thankfully they are having me back. I’ll have a completely different schedule and 3 weekdays off, so I’m so excited for this… it will be so important for me to have this time with Greyson. I’m loved and respected there and that is vital for my well being, as well. I know, I just can’t seem to figure out my work thing…. it’s VERY hard losing your business. This as close to “home” as I’ll get to photography. They are like family there…
Anyway, I prematurely expressed my concern for my health to my kids and I’m so ashamed of myself for doing this… I HAVE to bear this burden of worry. I obviously do not realize, even though they act all strong and tough… how much they love me and I mean to them. I’m ok. I know that’s all that matters.
All this time… I’m just like lying in wait for it to happen… is this the time… is now the time?? Will it be the next set of scans??? I don’t think you can fathom how it feels, you just can’t…. it’s HORRIBLE. My doctor was extremely realistic with me about my chance of recurrence and it’s literally put a fear in me….. and I realize, I cannot bear this on my own. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I have to give it to God. I have to trust in him…. no matter what that I’ll be ok… and no matter what, my kids will be ok. I have to do what is best for my well-being… I have to find joy and peace in the simplest of things. I have to let go of this fear… It will be easier said than done. Another 10 weeks of worry??? No! I won’t do it… I’m going to revel in the sunshine…. and enjoy summer. I’m so tired of worrying.
I had an amazing Anniversary weekend… my children showed me such love and I’m so incredibly blessed to have them in my life. So incredibly blessed.
We are making some huge changes… to make it a bit easier to recuperate and save some money to build a house. Let’s just say, we’re simplifying and the goal is to have a home that will incorporate a home for my parents, as well. I am so incredibly grateful to my parents…. my Mom rides these waves with me. I HAVE to be able to talk to someone while this is going on or I will go crazy…. and my Mom, I know she’s just as fearful as my children are. I cannot even imagine. But, they are all praying for me, with me… and fortunately, at this point… I’m going to revel in the fact that I can be blissfully unaware of cancer.
It’s so incredibly important that I remain stress free with a positive attitude… and I’ll be honest. Life has been anything BUT stress free. I am a huge believer that stress AND diet contribute. I’ve had my fair share of stresses… finances being primary. Cancer has wreaked havoc on our lives. Hopefully, it will all be on the upswing from here.